All Alone

My Reasons To Live, Were My Reasons To Die ~~The End

Devin’s POV:

I sit down on the bed trying to calm my nerves. Ricky had gotten me to eat twenty wings earlier and I felt the need to expel them. I guess he knew about my eating disorder and wanted to make me eat more. I feel full to the brim, I should have told him to stop feeding me after one, I don’t need to get any bigger anyways. Staying at my 112 pounds wasn’t a big hassle to me, quite the opposite really, I just need to be skinny.

I check the time, 10pm. Good, hopefully everybody will be asleep so I can get rid of my food. I stand up and limp my way to the bathroom, still sore mind you after last night, || I lift the toilet seat up and kneel down in front of it and stick two fingers down my throat, trying to get rid of my stomach contents. I stick my fingers down my throat once again and begin to heave. I finally retch up a small amount of vomit and stick my fingers down my throat to try and get more up. The more the vomit comes up, the better it makes me feel. ||

I stop once I see blood in the bottom of the toilet. I rest my head against the wall next to the toilet. The prickling, burning sensation returns to my thighs and wrists and this time I can’t ignore it. || My shaky legs carry me over to the cupboard where a few razors are stored. I grab out the razor and smash it against the side of the sink and pull out the three blades and lie them out in front of me. I shakily pick up one of the blades and pull up my shirt and begin to slash at my thighs. I end up cutting the heart in half with a deep gash of the razor. I move to my wrists and cut jagged lines in the old silver scars littered up and down my arms. ||

“Devin? What are you…” The blade clatters to the floor and I now notice their is a small pool of blood in front of me and I stare at Ricky who’s looking at me with sad eyes.

“Why?” He whispers almost inaudibly and I swear I see his eyes brim with tears.

“Because I’m fat and ugly.”

“No you’re not you are  perfection Devin. Have you seen yourself in the mirror?” He spins me so I’m facing the mirror and pulls my shirt up. “See? You don’t have a stomach, you’re practically skin and bones, how could you think you’re fat? You look beautiful without makeup, you have the most flawless skin and most of all you’re beautiful to me and you all mine.” He places a kiss to my nose and lips.

“And you have the cutest nose ever.” I give him a small smile which turns into a full blown grin when Ricky kisses my lips again. “Uh, Ricky? In case you haven’t noticed we’re standing in a pool of my blood.” The cuts are still leaking blood onto the floor and Ricky looks down and makes a face of discomfort.

“We need to get you cleaned up.” He pulls my shirt off my body and then my underwear and pushes me into the warmth of the shower. I stand under the water and watch as Ricky pulls of his clothes and steps into the water with me.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” I look at him with tears in my eyes and allow them all to leak out, blending with the water.

“Devin…” He pulls me into a hug and wraps his arms around my waist and lets me cry into his neck, sobbing like a baby.

“Shh, Devin you’ll be fine.” I wrap my arms around his neck and continue to cry.

“W-Why do you care so much?” I whimper into his neck.

“Why wouldn’t I?… I love you.” He places a kiss to my wet hair.

“I love you to Ricky.” I take my head off of Ricky’s shoulder and look at his eyeliner running down his face. I reach my hand up and wipe under his eyes and down his cheeks and he kisses the tips of my fingers as I drag them down his face.

He places a soft kiss to my lips and they gently move together, nothing lustful about it. We both stay in there until the water is like ice. Once we both get out, Ricky goes to his room to get changed while I get changed in mine. I place on a pair of black thigh-highs and a oversized black t-shirt with a pair of boy shorts. Once I get changed I sit cross-legged on the bed and wait for Ricky to return. Moments later he returns, dressed in boxers and nothing else.

Ricky sits on the bed next to me and pulls me into his lap and I turn around so I’m straddling him with my legs around his waist.

He sighs. “Devin did you do anything else?”

Now it’s my turn to sigh. “I-I purged.”

“Was it because I made you eat all that food?” I nod only slightly.

“Devin… If I had of known that was going to happen I wouldn’t have done it. Maybe if I had of given you ten you wouldn’t have done it. I can’t believe I was so stupid to think-” I silence him with a kiss to his lips.

“But I was so stupid I should-” I kiss his lips again and push him back onto the bed.

“Shut up. I don’t care what you say, I probably still would have done it.” I coo.

“But I don’t want you to do it ever again.”

“Don’t worry I won’t.” I replied, knowing it would be an empty promise.

He grins. “Thank you.” He places soft kisses over my face and I laugh when he won’t stop. Generally whenever we have finished talking he leaves the room and we spend the night in separate rooms. That’s just the way it always is.

“Devin? Can I stay in here for the night with you?” I nod and he grins before pulling us into a full blown make out session. I stay straddled to his body and we both fall asleep that way with smiles on our faces. We did this every night till , I started eating and stop harming.

And tomorrow, I will ask him to marry me.

Notes

Title credit: 306 - Emilie Autumn