How It Starts

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by yelllowrose_

by yelllowrose_

It always starts off with happiness
But not just "happiness"
I'm ecstatic
Adrenaline rushing through my veins
Energetic
I go out at least three times a week
Maybe a football game or hang out with a friend
Sometimes go downtown and dance on the life guard towers
All my homework is complete on time and 100%
I know what I'm doing with my life
At this time, I'm prepared for college
I want to be something in the special education department
Or a makeup artist
I would make new friends
And get rid of other ones because I think I'm better off without them
I'm always confident in how I look
And sometimes I'll dye my hair a crazy color

But then the colors fade
And I go into the in between stage
I get confused because I don't feel like
Doing homework
Or dancing at the beach
But I do it sometimes
I just space out into nothing
And think alot
People will always ask what's wrong
Because I look sad
I tell them I feel great
Which is half true because I'm not entirely sad
I'm just numb
I start to regret
Dying my hair that crazy color
And ruining my friendship with that one person
Dressing the way I did two days ago
Because it didn't feel right anymore
But I wasn't sad
Oh I swear

Until the next week
Or month
When I changed again
And oh, was I sad this time
For what felt like the third time this year
For no reason
My friends love me
But I would feel like an outcast if they didn't answer my text under five minutes
When really they were doing the dishes
My eyes would turn to grey
And I would stop doing that homework
I would stop going out for weeks
Because I didn't want to socialize
I didn't want a future
Because how can you have a future
When you fail everything
I forget about that special education job I wanted
I want to be alone
But when I'm alone
I cry
Because I am alone after all
I do bad habits again
And regret afterwards

And soon
I want to die
Not dye, like I used too
Until it starts all over again