Don't Leave Me | ʏᴏᴏɴᴍɪɴsᴇᴏᴋ

five

| ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ғɪᴠᴇ

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hoseok wakes up with a gasp. clutching the bedsheets in his hand as he has tears running down his face. his head is spinning and he feels dizzy, sick to his stomach and he feels a lump in his throat as he runs toward the bathroom. falling to his knees as he kneels over the toilet. 

tears blur his vision and he feels his throat burn as the clear liquid and blood keep coming out, hardly any food even in the beginning. he stays there, in the same position until he's sure it's stopped. but the tears are still there, letting out a choked sob as he leans back against the cold tile wall. his body shaking as he feels too weak and drained to do anything. 

it had been another nightmare. well, more like a replay or flashback from a day he would rather forget than keep remembering. but it was hard to, especially if they keep happening almost every week. and even if it's been years since the accident has happened, leaving him alone and fend for himself. 

another set of tears roll down his puffy red cheeks, a sob escaping his mouth as it racks his whole body even more. curling his arms around himself as he wishes it would all just go away. that he would just go away. 

hoseok stayed like this, thinking things that seemed so true to him but they weren't. they were far from the truth yet he couldn't stop himself from thinking so and he hated it. he hated how bad it has actually become but he couldn't help it, he couldn't help the fact he felt so unworthy and useless and just so drained. 

he looks down at himself. at his too thin waist, ribs visible and his wrist thinner than they should be. and yet hoseok thinks it isn't enough, that he isn't enough and he guesses this is what it means when others say your slowly hurting yourself. but the thought leaves as quickly as it came. 

he wonders if the blonde-haired male still thought of him. if he even crossed his mind just once. if he wanted to bump into the boy again and hoseok hates himself for thinking the boy would want to. or maybe even jimin, who made him feel so incredibly happy even if it was just for a few hours. he wonders if the black-haired boy thought of him as well.

hoseok stays in the bathroom for however long. the sickening feeling in his stomach coming back up again mere hours later, and that's how he spends the rest of his night. curled in his bathroom with the door open. no one there to comfort him or pull him out of this darkness that has been consuming him since that day. 

he wonders if there will ever be someone to pull him out of this, or if he was just meant to suffer alone. 

it's not until he hears his alarm go off that he realizes he was in there for an entire night. glancing lazily out the door into the semi-darkened hall across to his room. he doesn't move for a while, until the alarm has stopped and he gathers the strength to turn on the tub slowly. trying his best not to collapse again from how tired and dehydrated he was. 

hoseok takes less than ten minutes to shower. to brush his teeth until he walking steadily into his room. glad that his clothes were already set aside for the day and he realizes that he would have to put on the mask again. 

the same mask that he always wears so it would look like he's living a happy life and he doesn't have a single spot of emptiness inside him when that was all he felt. sure, there were times he felt a tinge of happiness, but it didn't last like he hoped and he thinks when he would be able to feel that way again. 

grabbing his things, he leaves his room. not bothering to blow dry his hair and leave it how it is. grabbing a water bottle from the fridge and taking medicine even though he knew it was a bad idea. but he didn't care, walking out of the apartment and heading towards the place he loves, but hates at the same time. 

walking like he didn't just stay up a whole night. crying his eyes out and heaving and just fully drained. like he wasn't hurting himself badly. but that was how he was. that was how hoseok worked for more than he could remember.