Eating Disorder Recovery Journal

Sorry

The first thing that I normally felt when I woke up in the morning is; hopeless.

It was normal for me to feel worthless before. It was normal for me to blame myself for all the messy things around me. It was not normal for me to feel the happiness without feeling sad inside. And it hurts.

After a week taking the proper recovery to beat my eating disorder, I found peace in me. I found something that I never felt before.

I was trying to recover myself alone without telling anyone before. For hundred times. The time when I was so clueless about healing myself. I was crazy inside. But people always see me as a normal girl. Even I thought it would be okay to struggle alone. It felt so sad but yet so good at the same time. I was drowning in my own thoughts and insecurities. I was trying to love myself, the thing people said to me every time I tried to tell them about my story.

I only could make plans to find something beautiful in me. But the hatred inside me was still there. The facts about people around me always criticized made me insecure about myself. Even when I was alone, the voice were still chasing me. And no, it was actually coming from my mind. I started to be careless about what people think but the voice in my head instead. It actually tortures me more.

Sorry is the first thing that I felt this morning. I felt sorry to myself for not letting me feel the happiness, for feeling sad all the damn time. I felt so sorry to let myself got hurt and sadly let others do the same, to let myself drowning nowhere, sorry for not forgiving myself, sorry for not forgiving the past and letting it go.

And now, I sincerely apologize to the self inside, to the soft self inside, that I wasn't taking care of you, and not giving much love to you, and for being so hard on you.

From now on, I will try to give you much love. I didn't say it would be easy, we may face the struggles, the shits to deal with. But we can do it together, fight for what matters, stick together, and tell the world that is possible to beat eating disorders.

Dear the self inside, let's show the world what's the power of loving ourselves. It takes a lot of bravery, and that's why we decide to do it.

And I know, it is possible for other selves outside too.

Love,

G