Eating Disorder Recovery Journal

Harder to get Better

I was totally feeling like a piece of shit for the past two weeks. If you were the one who is doing recovery, you probably would understand the up and down feelings. I was feeling okay two weeks before. Let me say that I was so proud of the progress and thought, "oh, I actually just do it right, the therapy really works on me, the psychologist and the nutritionist just do it all right, i would be healed faster than I ever thought I think."

Trust me, I was just so fucked up these past two weeks. Relapsing sounds so familiar these days. The thought of being not sick enough came in back. I know, my eating disorder just surprised me every single day. All the bad thoughts was stuck inside. Even when people asked me why, I would find no words to explain it all. I refused to meet people except my family, I didn't want to do any work out, I didn't eat well. And you know if I said I didn't eat well means that I relapsed. There was the day I could be so happy in the morning but feel so sad at night. And surprisingly, people could see nothing was wrong with me.

I hated all the things I did, I hated all the part of my body, I started seeing all the curves again, and I
hated as much as I hate the things that I hate. Sorry, because I just cannot even describe it.

I did 'B&P' almost everyday. Thinking about giving up on my recovery process and blaming myself for everything became the daily thoughts. Just let me tell you, I am still feeling that way until today. But I am not in the highest level of being tired of the recovery process anymore. Probably in the medium to lowest level now. I could tell one of my friend how tiring it is to do this, and tell the other one I'd rather die. I was feeling so low, like all the positive energy just come and go so easy.

I could blame myself for something that was actually not my business. Until last night, someone that I knew on Instagram was sharing the things about Relapse Prevention Plans. I told her what I was feeling about my recovery process and how fucked up I was. Surprisingly, I got pumped, charged, and blessed by the words. She told me that I'm brave to take the decision of leaving my job and focus on my recovery. You know, I was feeling like a dumb for dumping all the things I got, the things that people want it too for something that sounds so dramatic. Well, not being so sensitive, but I can tell you how disappointed those people are about my condition, I mean, the close ones. I can tell that some of them think that I am just being so dramatic. I can tell you how they see me as an idiot and the one who has no faith. But trust me, it is not that easy to be recovered from eating disorder. I would be so grateful if I could be healed by having faith only. The struggles are real, even when you cannot even describe the feelings and it makes you feel like dumb, the struggles are valid.

And that person tell me and I will keep it in the 'Cool Quotes' file in my brain, "It gets harder to get better."

That is the one I really want to hear last night. I know it would sound silly to you, but I've been asking God to take me out from my own hell, and He gave me someone, the one that I never met before (she was on recovery too and got recovered already). You know, the technology nowadays is really cool, it connects everyone.

Sometimes you just need some good words to get the power back.

I know that I could be pissed off by other things on the other day, but I will keep coming back to God, to take the weight on my shoulder. I will keep doing this recovery process. It would take long, it would give me mixed emotion, unstable feelings. And I know, being recovered doesn't mean that eating disorder is going to be disappeared from my life. It will teach you how to deal with it. Recovery means so much to me. It teaches me how to control my emotion, and I didn't say that I'm going to be so great at controlling it. It leads me to see how I actually am, and knowing more about myself.

I can tell you that recovery is worth it. Maybe I don't really see it now. But I will be so proud of what I'm doing now. I believe in myself.

No, I am not an attention seeker who wants to tell you guys about my problems.

I want to tell you guys that mental illness and eating disorder are real. We, who are suffering from eating disorder and mental illness are not being dramatic. There's nothing cool about having mental illness and eating disorder. And let's open our eyes to see what's around. Spread the positive thoughts around. Treat people like how you want to be treated.

Sometimes you have no idea that one of your friends is struggling with eating disorder or mental illness. They don't need your advice. They don't need the preach out of your mouth. Once they told you about that, hug them, and say "I know you are strong enough to get through this, you are not alone, I am here, thank you for being brave and being here with me, you give the color to my life too just in case you don't realize, you can beat your mental illness/ED, I believe in you, so you have to believe in yourself. I love you."

I really hope we can support each other.

Much love,

G

__________________

Sorry for not doing Q&A about my ED as what I promised before. I am not feeling well to do that right now, and because some of the questions triggered me, so I think I would do it later when I could control this emotion.

The things I do when I'm feeling low or in panic:

+ Exhale Inhale with rhythm.

+ Read a book.

+ Listen to the slow music to calm you down.

+ Tip toe dance.

+ Shout the good things loud, like, "I'm feeling so grateful that I can have the bravery to keep living." And the other good things you've done and got.

+ Cook.

+ Clean your room.

+ The most important thing, think that you are much stronger than your ED and mental illness!

+ Write it all down, what makes you sad, what you feel, everything. The psychologist taught me to do that. It helps for most of the times!]

Hope those can help you a bit.

Don't forget that you are loved, and I love you whoever and wherever you are!