Eating Disorder Recovery Journal

Love Letter

Dear you,

I know every single thing that you have been through is not easy. There was the time that you feel so low, the time when you feel like eating disorder is the only way to help you to bring out the pain. Making yourself sick seemed okay at the time. When you think that you are sinking in your own mind. But you just looked great and none of your friends and family know what you were and are facing and thinking. It feels so big in your head. Even you try to come to God, but still fucked up.

Dear you,

It's okay, relapsing doesn't mean that you are weak, it doesn't mean that you can't control yourself. You still have more beautiful days ahead. Tomorrow, the next two days, next week, next month, no, I didn't say that everything is going to be alright. What I mean is you are going to be alright, even when everything seems like shit. But you and your precious soul inside, will be much stronger than ever. It is a process to get the good progress. Life is totally sucking your brain, but it doesn't mean you have to give up. Even when you are stumbling, you won't be crumbled like the crumble in strawberry cheese cake.

Dear you,

It seems like you are worrying too much about life. Remember the day you decided to take a break from the hectic life. You have a good break. It's good aye. Then you have to relax. Don't be scared or stressed out just because you are taking a break. You need that. Don't freak out when you are not doing exercise in a day. It's okay to eat your breakfast, lunch, and dinner, because it nourishes your skin. don't you see that your face is glowing now? Because you get all the good stuff in your food. Fruits are really good, right? Even the meat really matches with rice. Everything just tastes so good in mouth. Especially when you are taking it easy. When you are keeping it in your body to keep you alive. And being healthy feels so good.

You are on your recovery now. Bulimia Nervosa will be just a name, not a friend anymore. Binge and purge will not be in your 'Things To Do' list anymore. You are getting better each day. Going to the nutritionist and psychologist every week is really helping right? Because I really think so....

And hey, it is really okay to catch up with new people. They are all nice. Meet old friends are really good, aye? No no, you don't have to bring up the bad memories that hurts you so much. It's really okay, you can learn to let go. I know the fear is real, it looks like you are so scared of getting along with people. That's okay.. Sometimes you could get hurt or you could be the one who hurts them. But hey, we're all humans. As long as you're trying to be nice, it is all going to be cool, this is life, love.

Dear my love, the self inside my body,

You are loved, and you know it. So why are you letting that dumb eating disorder telling you that you are worthless?

You know that God is real, He keeps holding your hand and walking with you, then why are you trying to push Him away from your life? You need Him. You can be as strong as you are now because of Him. Don't let that freaking little monster inside your mind controlling your faith.

And you also know it, you can't control every single shit in life. So why aren't you trying to do what you need to do? And letting go is not a sin.

It's okay to be not okay, my love.

I love you,

G