Eating Disorder Recovery Journal

The Art of Letting Go

...'Let go'

I didn't like those words before. I supposed to hate it during the recovery process. My mind was trying to comprehend the meaning of it every time I feel like trapped in my own sadness. I kept asking myself about how could it be so unfair to me, about why this world is full of things that can't be controlled, why there are a lot of fake people, or other questions that I knew I couldn't even know the answer and I also didn't realize that it was actually driving me crazy.

As you guys know, I got the happiness from spreading awareness about eating disorders and mental illness and posting positive stuff, like quotes or the long caption (haha I know I have that excitement) on Instagram. But there's one thing I haven't done working it out, which means it actually broke me down every time I post those stuff, but I was still feeling like something was not in its place. And yes, I actually didn't realize that I still needed to finish myself first. I didn't mean that I need to kill my own self, that is something that no one should've done, and it shouldn't be a choice, either you are feeling like rubbish at the moment or you just ruined something that actually it wasn't a big deal but your anxiety told you the opposite.

So yeah, because I haven't done fixing my problem, the problem inside, that freaking anxiety that mixed with eating disorders and unreasonable depression. I found myself got the anger every time I felt like something didn't run well as what I've planned. I found myself overthinking every time I saw other friends or even some people I didn't know them that well, and sadly, even those celebrities! Hahaha..

I was worrying the reasonable and unreasonable stuff. I felt so mad every single time I was hungry, I didn't like eating the meal because I knew I was going to eat more than my body needs or other normal people eat or need to go to the toilet and throw it all up. I tried to lie to my mind, like drinking a big cup of black coffee and add stevia in it, eating fruits (not the proper portion), and zero coke to feel full. But still ended up binging and vomiting. I was stepping back in to my hell. I hated myself so much.

I deleted all my social media, facebook, instagram, and didn't answer messages from friends, didn't pick up calls. I got myself overeating, sometimes trying to not eat anything. I left all the things behind and started sleeping in long hours. I could feel sick inside, like had no power to face the day, didn't want to talk as much as I did (everyone knows I only can shut my mouth when I sleep). I started being so grumpy but couldn't show it anyway because I thought that no one was going to pay any attention. I didn't do my check up routine to the psychologist and nutritionist anymore because I found it useless and didn't help at all, I started gaining weight and hated myself for that. It was like a daily routine I found myself crying. And the worst of all, I started hating God and blaming Him for everything. I didn't want to live that time but I couldn't do some stupid stuff even though I kept thinking about it.

There's the time when I slowly learn about letting go. But still couldn't do it 100% smoothly. one day, I went to the church with my friend and we got time to talk about what we had been through lately, I couldn't be so opened at the first, but I know it's God's plan, I slowly started to tell my problems. Long story short, we needed to say good bye because it was already midnight. But my friend told me to listen to Laura Story's song, 'Take It All'. We were like the fans of her since we were in high school because her songs are so empowering. So I was like, oh okay.

First time I heard that song, I denied every meaning of every word. I didn't want to give all my plans and dreams, that was hard to forgive myself for letting all the opportunities go, it was unfair to accept things I didn't like just happened. But I knew I have to learn those words, I kept listening to the song, like at least 4 times a day (I know I'm a weirdo haha!).

I started to let go, which means I started to forgive myself and people who hurt me, and accept things, even when it's really hard to deal with. And I started to pray again, and ask for forgiveness, and the peace.

One thing that was still really hard to kick it away. My eating disorder. It was the biggest reason. I can tell God is good all the time. God knows what I really need. I had been praying for it for 5 years I guess or more? Haha. I kept wondering if only I could find the medicine, whatever it's going to make me feel, as long as I could get my normal appetite back, I'm going to take that. Yes, I couldn't control my appetite for 5 years (or more) because of the circle of binge and starving. I'd rather overeating or eat nothing in a day, and it made my stomach couldn't transfer the signal anytime I was feeling full already. Tragic, I know.

Long story short, I found an account selling herbal stuff, I bought it and consumed it for a month
(I got another package tho, it helps me a lot haha). Everything starts getting better each day till now. It doesn't mean that the medicine gives the big impact. It just helps my stomach to work properly like the first I had no problem with food and didn't know anything about diet cultures and eating disorders. I still need to be in charge to control my mind.

I've lost lots of things the last couple years, and I could blame eating disorder, diet cultures, social standards, and everyone who did hurt me and made myself hurt me mentally and physically even more. But I find nothing good from it, it just hurts me more, and I'm not going to live my life so well with it. I chose to accept it then (no choice!), and every time the strange voice tried to ask me something that I know it could bring me down, I can just ask it back "so what?".

Guys, I didn't mean that is useless to seek help and go to the psychologist. Or maybe I could be not sick enough to tell this. But I really hope this could open your eyes. Every good thing starts from inside, from your mind. It doesn't matter how hard it is, how stupid it might sound to you, but your inner thought is much stronger than anything. You can go to the psychologist, spend some of your money (I know it costs much like lots of money to be honest, I mean, you can spend it by buying books or other stuff), but if you still let the toxic thoughts control yourself, you better keep your money, it's going to be wasted anyway.

The most important thing, go back to God. No matter how broken you are, or feel so lost or empty, just close your eyes, and call Him, and tell Him everything, just like when you are telling stuff like gossiping to your best friend. It's not going to be like a magic and you are going to feel so amazing in a second, it's the first step of accepting things. Start to find things you think you can do it, like cleaning your bedroom (never underestimate it), or going outside to meet friends, travelling?

Keep trying, keep feeding your mind with the positive thoughts. And being positive doesn't mean you can't be mad or angry or feel anything beside happiness, it means that you don't let those negative shits control yourself, and the time is still doing its job. Duh. Too classic.

Life would never be so simple, and not going to be as what planned all the time, life is not a movie, it's a big mistery box. And it has the thing that could be good, bad, worst, best, all depends on how you are going to work with it.

I know most of you who read my story since 'Eating Disorder Awareness' one, till 'Eating Disorder Recovery Journal', you could be so boring by my words telling you that I'm doing fine with my recovery blah blah blah...

But this time, I'm telling my eating disorder who taught me lessons; "Thank you for the past few years, you taught me how to respect others and have the different perspective to see that beauty is not based on how skinny people are, or what meal they eat daily to keep them in shape. Thank you for being there with me, you actually taught me to be strong and independent. But here's the time I have to say good bye to you. Once again, Thank you so much, I don't hate you, but I can't let you be here with me, we're not the same anymore. And please, just go, don't try to find anyone to control, they're good with themselves already, let them live the life. Thank you.. Good bye.. much love, G xx"

Oh I forgot to tell you guys, I'm clean for 2 months already (maybe more than 2 months? I guess. I think so..)
I hope this story can empower all of you, even though I don't know how exactly it affects your life. But you all are beautiful, and our imperfection is the perfection that you probably haven't realized. And, God loves you, He's always be there with you, so you are loved..

Finally, this is my last writing for 'Eating Disorder Recovery Journal'.

God bless you all..

Lots of love,

G

xx