Warning: suicide
—
His bed holds him, cradling his body. He feels lifeless, dead, and he may as well be. The ocean fills his eyes, trickling from his ducts and onto his pale cheek. Tyler doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know why he's here. Why? Why is he alive? He keeps praying to God for help, but it feels like nothing ever happens. At church, they'd repeat the same phrases over and over, there was nothing new to hear, nothing to amount to and now he just hates going there. Tyler feels stuck. He wonders if God is actually real, is he? Tyler thinks he his but he doubts it sometimes.
—
Josh, Josh, Josh. Josh is kissing him deeply as he leans over the centre console. Tyler thinks about God and his mother. Kelly had pretty, blue eyes but they were so cold. She'd kill Tyler if she knew what they were doing right now. He wonders if God still loves him even though Tyler is in love with a boy. Josh's lips are raspberry and they're so soft and sweet tasting, Tyler dreams about them every night.
—
"Tyler, get up, we're going to church whether you like it or not!" Kelly scowls, throwing his clothes to the floor as she hurries to her own room to do her makeup. Tyler thought she looked ugly in makeup, he'd told her this and she'd slapped him in the face. She truly is a great Catholic woman, isn't she? Tyler thought it was a compliment, if he's honest, she's naturally pretty, she looks bad in makeup. Is that such a horrible thing to say? Tyler prefers girls without makeup, he thinks they look even prettier.
The tall boy stands in front of his mirror, taking his shirt off slowly. He's hesitant, he hates looking at his body, it's not the way he wants it to be. Tyler doesn't have a toned chest, no muscles, he's just thin, lanky looking. He stares at the glass, gently running his hand up and down his stomach. He's soft; he blinks, lips parting slightly before he turns away, he doesn't want to look anymore.
Tyler stares at the clothes his mother had given him. It was a black suit, a suit that he wasn't fond of. His eyes burn holes into the material, teeth biting at his bottom lip. Why would she give him this suit? Why? Why? Why?
Tyler swallows, storming down the hallway and into his mother's room. She's sitting at her makeup table, applying a thick coat of shiny, red lipstick. Tyler stands at her door, his breath hitching, he tries not to cry; he's fucking angry. Kelly turns to him, her smile faltering.
"What's wrong?" She asks, she's scared, Tyler can tell.
He shakes his head, it feels like he's swallowed a stone.
"W-Why would you make me wear that fucking suit."
Kelly furrows her eyebrows, "Get over it, Tyler. Joshua is dead! He's fucking dead whether you like it or not! It was two years ago, move the fuck on!" She yells, face growing hot and red.
He can't take it anymore, he can't take it. He can't take it. He can't take it.
Tyler screams. He screams; and the entire house shakes. His vocal chords rattle, he doesn't realise it, but he's fallen to the ground, screaming into the carpet. He screams. He screams and he doesn't stop.
"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
Kelly takes a deep breath in, slowly walking closer to him. She's terrified of her own son and Tyler hates her, he hates her so much.
"I hope you die!" He screams, bashing his head against the floor.
—
Joshua smiles at him, it's a grey smile. It's not a yellow or a pink smile, Tyler frowns at him. They're in Josh's bed, staring at each other. Josh sighs, closing his eyes softly. He's holding Tyler's hands, murmuring quietly. His words are small and almost silent as they hang heavy in the air of Josh's dark bedroom. Tyler kisses his forehead gently, smiling at him, hoping he'd get at least a blue one back; a light blue one.
