Josh wraps his arms around Tyler's body. They're strong and overflowing with colour. Tyler didn't want to hug, he didn't want to touch or be touched. He so badly wants to grabs Josh's arms and cut them off. What's wrong with him? The man with rainbow arms is his favourite man. The person he adores with all his being; shouldn't he always want his arms around him?
Tyler's toes curl, eyes squeezing shut. His whole body is tense. Josh smiles, the sun peeking through the blinds. Josh can't see him, Tyler's turned over on his side. Josh is everything beautiful in this world. He's everything. Tyler won't go through a huge list of what he is, he can't, he doesn't have enough words; there aren't enough words in any language to describe Josh. He's purely everything.
Josh grabs Tyler's hand. It's sweaty and uncomfortable, and Tyler doesn't understand why Josh doesn't mind it. He's never bothered by anything Tyler does and it aggravates him. He's so fucking imperfect, sometimes he just wants Josh to point out all his flaws because Josh is so much more beautiful than him. God is he perfect.
Josh runs his soft fingertips against Tyler's eyelids. They're shut tight, not allowing any light to enter them. It's dark and there's nothing but Tyler's consciousness. It's just him. Everything about himself isn't himself. When he taught himself how to play an instrument, that wasn't him, that was his brain. Tyler doesn't control himself, every motion is his brain, not him, nothing's him. Nothing is Tyler except for when his eyes are closed and it's just black, black, black nothingness. He's just with him, with his consciousness. Tyler likes it like this.
"Darling?" Josh whispers into Tyler's shoulder. Tyler hums, gripping onto the pillow beneath his head. Josh slips his hand out of the other man's. It's silent apart from the sounds inside their brains. Nothing will ever be silent, Tyler will always have a voice inside his head talking and talking and talking.
"Tyler, what are you thinking about?"
Tyler pulls the blanket up around himself, slowly opening his eyes. He looks at Josh, his vision still slightly blurry. He just stares, and Josh stares back.
"Baby?"
His eyebrows pull together, he has nothing to say.
Words can't form and syllables don't string together. What's wrong? What is he thinking of? He doesn't know.
"I feel sick, Joshua."
Josh coos, kissing Tyler's forehead. He feels like he's going to cry.
"In what way?" Josh asks. He's so kind and Tyler wishes he could be as sweet as him.
"In my head."
Josh frowns, lying down on his back. Tyler lays down on top of him. The other man traces Tyler's features. Fingertips oozing with love as they glide over Tyler's nose, down to his plump lips.
"Let me kiss it better."
Josh's hands tangle themselves into his lover's hair, kissing his temples a countless amount of times; Tyler wishes it could be fixed this easily.
"Thank you, J."
"Of course, honeybee." Josh smiles, their foreheads pressing together. Josh wishes they could swap brains, he wants to know what's inside Tyler's head.
—
Who knew a fucking piece of reflective glass could have the power to define someone's self worth? The average person spends fifty-six minutes of their time everyday looking in the mirror. Tyler couldn't do it. He'd travel to another dimension if he looked too long. His face would begin to distort, he'd stare and he wouldn't be able to stop. Tyler looks and he thinks, "I am alive, I am existing and I am in this body." He has a panic attack every time he looks.
Why is he doing this to himself? Tyler's reflection stares back at him. His toothbrush is hanging out of his mouth, it's about to fall out of it. He feels like he's going to die. This is him, he's that person staring back at him.
Tyler's eyes are wide as he grabs at his face, pulling at his skin. He wants to get out of it! This isn't him. Tyler! This isn't you! Tears gather in his eyes; please stop, don't cry.
He tears his eyes away, letting out a deep breath.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
