The Oath, Book 2 of The Coven Series

Chapter Twenty-Two

~ Jenny ~

May 5, 2013

Just thinking about what I have to do makes me want to curl up and cry. I get dizzy and have to lay down. Knowing what I should do is causing me to stress so much and I just want it to end. Mandy said I should just do it. The others agreed. I don't know about Sebastian, though. I'm terrified to ask him. What if he says yes, that I should do it? What if he doesn't love me as much as I love him? I think he does, but I don't know if I can handle hearing him say he doesn't love me. It would make this so much easier if he didn't love me, though.

Even my writing sounds confused. I'm confused. I don't want to do it, but everything inside of me screams that I have to, that it's the only way to give Sebastian everything he needs. He needs this sacrifice from me even if he won't ask for it himself. Mandy told he would never ask that of me because he loves me, but she lies so much.

I wish I had more time to tell everyone how much I love them, especially Melinda, but this needs to happen tonight. It's the only way. Sebastian needs this. He's hinted that he needs something from me, so I know it's true. I just hesitate to give this. It's wrong. I know it's wrong. I was taught to believe it will damn my soul, but there is this other force inside of me that's making me push that little voice aside. It's overriding everything else.

I already bought the pills from a guy in the park. All I have to do is take them and then go to sleep. I'll do it tonight when I go to bed so Daddy won't be worried. If I take them before bed, Dad might find me and rush me to the hospital. I can't let that happen. I have to die tonight. I have to sacrifice myself. It's the only way.

My sister is what's causing me to hurt the most. I only just found Melinda again. We were getting so close, like real sisters. What is this going to do to her? I wanted to talk to her about everything, tell her about the crazy dreams I've been having about them all chanting something I can't understand. Sometimes I think they put a spell on me. Mel might know, but every time I think about talking to her, I get that crazy dizzy feeling and I almost pass out. I just can't bring myself to do it.

I'm not sure how much more I can take anyway. I love Sebastian, but he's mean to me. He's never physically hurt me, but he makes me feel worthless and unworthy of him. I cry all the time anymore because of the things he says to me. He's as bad as his friends sometimes, but then just like that, he's a sweetheart again. It's like there's a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde version of him. I just want all this to stop. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

I wrote the note earlier. It's just a formality, but Wes said it was necessary for my family to feel some kind of closure. I guess he's right. At least they'll know I just can't take all the stress anymore and that it's not their fault. It's all me. I don't want them to hurt any more than they have to and I hope my note conveys how much I love them all.