Mission: Impossible Operation Redemption

Three

     It had been 3 weeks.  3 weeks and nothing.  No photos, no calls, no going out to get new cereal (despite Brandt's insistence), and definitely no leads on Derik Bishop.  It was like he had completely disappeared from existence — which is exactly what Benji felt like doing.  While the gashes on his back had healed significantly, he still winced when faced with getting out of bed in the morning — for other reasons now then physical pain.  The rest of the team had started to look at him differently.  First, after they had seen what Derik had done to him.  Their looks were of worry.  Now, the looks had changed.  Disappointment in Ethan's eyes.  Disgust in Brandt's.  Pity in Ilsa's, like a woman staring at a lost dog.  He had never felt entirely at home since he had arrived, but now he felt more alienated than ever.  He no longer was a member of the team, just another piece of evidence to be placed in a folder to examine.

     Benji groaned as he was pulled out of his train of thought and set eyes on the alarm clock next to his bed clock.  3:37 AM.  On any given night, it was either impossible to fall asleep or impossible to wake up.  It was pointless trying to fight it.  He sat up on the side of the bed, staring at the door that faced him.  Might as well walk around a bit, Benji thought.  I'm not getting much sleep here as it is.

     Benji stood up and shuffled over to the door. Opening it slowly and as quietly as he could, he stepped through the doorway and down the hall towards the living room.  He froze as one of the floorboards creaked under his foot.  Did he wake someone up?  He waited for a moment before resuming his course, trying to tread more carefully than before.

     Upon making it to the living room, he narrowly avoided taking a coffee table to the shins and successfully landed on the couch. He sighed heavily and hoped that something would lull him to sleep. Closing his eyes, he tried to shut out the thoughts that flooded his brain like a crowded subway station. Just as he thought he was making progress, however, he heard footsteps approaching from the hall.

"Benji?" A lamp switch was turned on, which revealed Ethan standing in front of the coffee table, in a set of blue pajamas and holding a glass of water. "Couldn't sleep either, huh?"

"Ethan!" Benji sat up quickly, almost knocking his leg against the table yet again. "I-I'm so sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, Benji," Ethan smiled and sat down on the love seat adjacent to the couch. "I was up."

"Oh," Benji said. "I see." Ethan was up, too? What was he doing up?

"I take it you've had trouble sleeping lately.  You haven't been looking so good."

     Benji nodded.  "Either I'm up all night or I can't get out of bed, to be honest."

"Sounds rough," Ethan said.

"Well, you're up too," Benji commented. "Are you alright?"

Ethan sighed. "I'm just worried about the team. We're all sitting ducks here, waiting for Derik to find us. If we don't think of something soon, I'm afraid he'll win. I just....I don't know what to do anymore." Well, this was different. Ethan was never one to open up to people. Even though he and Benji were close, he rarely ever spoke of his feelings, much less express his fears so plainly.

"You'll think of something, Ethan," Benji said, hoping his tone was a comfort to him. "You always do." No matter what the situation was, Ethan always had a plan. Why would it be any different now?

"Maybe, but by then it could be too late." Ethan took a drink of his water and then set the glass on the table before turning back to Benji. "I can't let the team down, Benji. I can't let you down."

His words came as a shock to him. Ethan let him down? How could he feel like that, when all Benji had done the entire time is feel sorry for himself? No, he didn't even deserve to be let down. He's already let everyone else down, so what's the point?

"Benji? You okay?" Ethan's brows furrowed in concern.

"Oh, what?" Benji shifted his focus back to Ethan. "Y-yeah, I'm alright. Just lost in thought. I'm fine."

He wasn't falling for it. "No, you're not."

"What do you mean? My cuts are healing just fine, I swear I'll sleep eventually-"

"That's not what I'm talking about," His words cut right through Benji's charade. "You've been in your head a lot since you've gotten back. You've been acting differently. Avoiding questions, eye contact. And just now, staring off into space with that look on your face. Are you gonna tell me what's going on?" Ethan's eyes bored into his and Benji squirmed in his seat.

"I.....". Benji started, but stopped. Was there even an answer to his question? Even if he knew what was going on, how could he explain it? He sighed. "You're right, I haven't been the same. But it's not anyone's fault but mine. I let the team down, and now we're all suffering because of it." He glanced back up at his friend, hoping that would appease the questions. Was it true? Maybe partially, but deep down Benji knew it was just to get Ethan off his back. His heart beat faster as he waited for his response.

"So that's what you're chalking it up to? Guilt?" Ethan asked, clearly waiting for a better explanation. Try as he might, there was no shaking off Ethan Hunt when he wanted an answer.

"Well....." he trailed off. No getting out of this one. He took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves before taking. "You want the honest truth? Do you? Then here it is: I don't know. I don't know why I've been acting strange. I don't know why I can't sleep or why I suddenly can't make myself get up to attend your team meetings. I don't know why everything seems impossible to do and I most certainly do not know why I can't even talk to my friends without my heart pounding out of my chest or nearly vomiting!"

Ethan was clearly at a loss for words. "Benji, I....I had no idea you felt this way, why didn't you tell me?" He reached a hand to rest on Benji's shoulder.

"I...I don't know, Ethan, it seemed pointless," he explained. "I'm useless to the team, anyway, so—"

"You're not useless to the team. Don't ever say that again."

Ethan's harsh words caught Benji off guard. "O....okay," he stammered.

"Benji, no matter how many meetings you make it to, how many missions you go on, or how often you get to wear a mask, you are still a vital part of this team," Ethan started, more gentle this time. "And while you are my teammate, you are also my friend. You could never be useless to me."

"Thank you, Ethan," Benji said.

Ethan nodded in response and then stood up. "Good night, Benji," he said before switching the lamp off and making his way down the hall.

"Good night," Benji called softly as his figure disappeared into the dark. He sighed and stretched out onto the couch. Just talking to Ethan had made it feel like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Sure, the thought of confronting the rest of his team terrified him to no end, but Ethan's words were comforting. No matter what, Benji knew there was one person in the world he could count on, and that person was Ethan Hunt.