LIMN

O N L I N E

june 7th, 2018

O  N  L  I  N  E

searching for someplace i belong
between each swipe of pages on the bright screen
held resting in my hands,

between my thumbs
mindlessly repeatedly opening and closing and opening and closing apps,
going back and forth
from one to another
until dawn becomes dusk.

refusing to face the harsh truth
of all my piling problems and thoughts
as i scroll through the same posts
i've read hundreds of times already,
hoping maybe there'll be something new,
so i check every other minute just to make sure,

looking for somewhere to hide myself behind
even if it's a place too familiar,
trapped within the eyes that can't pry away,
that are too worried about wasting life's short time
and finds its solution skimming over the same material for each passing hour.

hating this replaying loop i've fallen into,
hating why i can't seem to do anything right,
hating how i get nervous and anxious over the smallest things,
hating how i can't bring myself to connect with others,
hating how i have no one i trust enough to share how i've broken,
hating how i no longer have a way with words,
hating these short bursts of motivation that leave unfinished projects left to collect dust,
hating this lack of good, original ideas,
hating how my talent and skills are just a scam,
hating my body every time my eyes catch it,
hating every time he comments about it,
hating how i'm expected to love them when they make me hate myself,
hating how i can't follow my advice to love who you are
because how can i when there's not much to love,
hating how my own stubbornness keeps me from doing anything because i don't want them to feel any satisfaction,
hating it all,

so i throw myself online,
a moment shielded away from reality,
even if it's just around the corner,
hoping to find happiness,
even if it's not true.

☆

i haven't really written anything recently, and now it's summer break for me. maybe i can write more? but i'm going to participate in this summer program at a university and i don't know how busy i'll be with that.

also, i've been thinking of writing a collection of poems and writing that presents my thoughts in the way they truly are. it'd be me being completely honest and open with my life at its current point. no more hiding behind vagueness. it's just that it's been pent up inside me for so long, and i feel like i'm ready to spill it all out. maybe i'll feel motivated and productive and actually write this because i've been wanting to for awhile, but it hasn't happened yet still. oh well. i guess we'll see.

edit: pls ignore me being melodramatic