I've Always Been Around (Camren)

Chapter 17: I Need Closure

*Lauren's P.O.V*

Seeing Camila at school everyday is just plain torture.  She won't even look me in the eye.  I don't know why.  I don't know if it's because she regrets it or if she hates me.  So many scenarios have run through my head of all the things she could be thinking about when it comes to me.  Thinking that she doesn't feel the same way as I do is absolutely unbearable.

I decided to tell Ally what was going on between Camz and I, I thought she deserved to know because the other two girls did.  I even admitted to Ally I was in love with Camila.  I haven't told Dinah because her and Camila are so close it would just ruin everything.

I admire her from afar during orchestra.  That's pretty much the only time I see her now a days.  She doesn't hang out with the group anymore, she no longer eats with us at lunch; banishing herself to the piano room of the high school.

Watching her leave me is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I thought I loved Luis when I was with him but whatever I had with him isn't even comparable to what I feel for Camila.  I have never felt this way before.  The emptiness I feel inside can only be filled with the feeling of Camila's lips on mine and I don't know if I will ever feel that again.

I decided the only way I can at least live semi happily is to come out to my family.  Tell them how I'm feeling, tell them what I'm feeling so I'm at least not going through this alone.

I burst threw the doors one day after therapy and met my family in the living room.

Mom smiled brightly at me, "Hello Lauren, how was your appointment?"

"Fine." I snapped while shuffling my feet.  I breathed to calm myself down, "Actually, I need to talk to you guys about something."

"About what, Lo?" My dad asked, concerned.

I nervously ran my fingers through my hair, "About why I got so angry and trashed my room that day a few weeks ago.  The real reason." I sighed.

My mom started to stand, "No. Sit down.  I think you all should sit down."  They sat completely still looking at me like deer in head lights. "Mom, dad, guys," I gestured to my siblings.  "I came home full of emotion, yes I do need to learn to control my emotions, but the reason I came home like that is because.. well.. I'm in love." I breathed out.

Taylor's eyes sparkled, her naive mind probably racing with every fairy tale she's ever imaged.  Chris just looked at me like her didn't understand why he was here for this conversation.  Mom smiled widely and my father clenched his jaw like he often did when he was uncomfortable or when he was stressed.

"What's his name?" Taylor cooed, at the same time Mom said "Honey that's great."

"I want to meet this boy." My dad said roughly and Chris nodded.

"Wait," Mom paused. "Why would that cause you to trash your room?"

"Well, I didn't want to be in love with.. them." I chose my pronouns carefully.  "I thought it would ruin everything.  Hell, it has ruined everything.  I didn't.. I don't know what to do.  I was angry at myself and at the world.  I was mad at my feelings, I was mad at the other person, I was mad at the situation.  I took it out on the outside world because my inside was already so torn apart that I couldn't beat them up anymore." I shuddered, tears threatening to fall.  "But by God I love her.  I love her Mom. I love her Dad.  God damn it I love her and I don't know what to do about it.  It's not even a acceptable in most social situations.  I don't even know if you will accept it.  I will be devastated if you don't but even if it's that way nothing can change the way I feel because I fucking love her.  I always have been, I just was to much of an idiot to realize it."