If I Lose Myself

Chapter Twenty-Six: Astoria

January 1998

Astoria felt like a ghost walking in the shell of the person she used to be. The temporary nerve damage in her body, while not as dreadful as most Cruciatus curse cases, became something of a hindrance to her daily activities. She couldn't go down a flight of stairs without support from the railings or holding onto someone. Every time she needed a cup of tea, her hands shook, causing her tea to rattle under the shakiness in her body. Moving was all the more painful without potions to ease the pain temporarily. She didn't know if she'll ever get back to the way she was.

Madame Pomfrey had said she was lucky to be alive. Astoria wondered if she even deserved to be.

Ever since she woke up in the hospital wing, she had been scared of physical touch from just about anyone. The fact that she couldn't bear to be touched made it painful for her to see the people in her life recoil from her, as though she were a ticking bomb and at the slightest touch, she would explode. She wished she didn't have to be that way, but anyone attempting to touch her just brings back the horrid memories of her torture.

After she had woken up from her being bedridden for a month, she went home for the holidays. The moment her parents saw her in such a state, they felt all the regrets of sending their daughters to Hogwarts, but what choice did they have? Her parents had even considered that Astoria drop the second semester and stay home to recuperate, but she was immediate in her response.

"I know I need time to recover..." Astoria had said as she fidgeted with her hands, a habit she began to develop in the hopes of getting rid of her nerves. "But I can't just stay here while my friends are in trouble. I want to help. I need to help."

"You'll do no such thing! I am owling the school this instant!" Cassandra had exploded in a fit of rage. It was bad enough that her parents hadn't been allowed to visit Astoria during her month-long injury, it was mere torture then to hear their daughter want to come back. "The repulsiveness of it all! I always knew those Carrows were trouble. I always hated the lot of them back when I was in Hogwarts! I swear, if I get my hands on them—"

"Mum, you could go to the Ministry of Magic for all You-Know-Who cares," Daphne had intercepted then. "The Headmaster finds it grounds that her recuperating needn't extra care at home. She has potions to help her get to classes, and if it's not as contagious as that Weasley boy's spattergoit, she still has to go back."

Cassandra Greengrass still sent an owl the Headmaster to petition against his wishes anyway.

The holidays were a pleasant break from the horrors of Hogwarts. While at home, Astoria had managed to reconnect with Daphne, who had been cried every time they spoke, and had been keen on apologizing aimlessly for being selfish when Astoria needed her the most. Despite how much it had pained Astoria to have known her sister had not been much of a sister since the start of the school year, she truly couldn't stand to hate her. She was her sister, after all. And she cared more about rebuilding their relationship than letting past mistakes get in the way of things.

Since they came home, Daphne had been Astoria's matron. She checked Astoria's vitals, fed her whenever she couldn't make it down the flight of stairs to the dining room, helped her into her clothes—she was fine with the slightest brush of Daphne's skin against hers while doing this— and even fussing around at the merest grunt of pain. It was almost impossible to have some alone time, but Astoria appreciated her sister's concern nonetheless.

Perhaps what troubled her other than her shaking form was the fact that Luna had been abducted by Death Eaters from the Hogwarts Express. She had tried to duel the Death Eaters who tried to take her friend despite the circumstance she just went through defying the Carrows, but her body was still too frail to move, and it had been too late to do anything by the time she got to Luna's compartment.