liza
"yeah, i enjoyed tonight," i smiled, shutting the door behind her. a grin still plastered on my face, i lightly walked over to my bed and plopped down. suddenly, everything came back down. quicker than i could handle. "oh, god. i enjoyed tonight," i cried, sitting up and putting my head in my hands. "why can't i ever just follow these stupid rules?" i sobbed. i wanted to be gabbie's friend. i really did. which is why it hurt so bad that i couldn't. it hurt so bad that i had to cut her out just like everyone else.
i saw a message from her making an inside joke about something that had happened earlier. i cried harder, throwing my phone back down, refusing to respond. i held a pillow over my face as i wept alone in my little apartment. i ignored the next message i received and tried to forget tonight. i regretted saying she could come over. i should have listened to the part of me saying it was a bad idea.
i couldn't stop the tears from coming down my face. why did i care so much? why was this girl affecting me so deeply when i had so many problems that were so much more detrimental to worry about? but she was causing a fresh wound to form next to the scabbed over spots in my heart where i had finally moved on from the last person. i finally drifted off to sleep, begging for this to be just a dream, wishing i could wake up tomorrow and none of this had happened.
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spoiler alert: it had all happened. and it all still hurt. i pushed the thoughts from my mind, trying my best to move on. i got a text from gabbie. are you okay? i sighed, closing my eyes for a second before ignoring it and walking down to the coffee shop like usual. she wasn't there this time, and i was grateful for that. i took the long way home again, and she tried calling me. i let it ring, wondering why she was so desperate to talk to me of all people.
even though i'd just had a coffee, i was tired again. i fell asleep, wishing i could sleep the days away and forget about my problems. when i woke up, i read a newspaper i had grabbed from the coffee shop a few days ago. i did anything to pass the time. when dinner time rolled around, i made some ramen because i didn't have much of anything else.
i watched some netflix as i ate the salty noodles. cleaning up, i sat on the couch, looking at the tv but not really seeing it. i wanted the world and all of my problems to melt away, taking the pain with it. i hated myself for being upset over this random girl in a bar. she was probably so confused by my actions. i pushed her out and then let her in just to ghost her again.
caught up in my own thoughts, i didn't hear someone knock at the door. they knocked again, and i snapped out of my daze. dragging myself off the couch, i crossed the short distance to my door and swung it open without looking through the peephole. i suddenly wished i had when i saw the person standing in front of me.
"gabbie, go away," i said without any life to my voice or expressions. i tried shutting the door, but she stuck her foot out before i could get it closed. i could tell there were lots of thoughts swimming through her head. "liza, what's wrong?" she asked.
"nothing, i just don't want to talk to you," i said, trying to shut the door again. "you can't shut me out like you did to everyone else," she said, stopping me in my tracks. i looked up to meet her gaze, and i don't think she realized how hard that hit. she held up two bottles of beer that she had brought with her. "i brought drinks. let's hang out." i shook my head.
"gabbie, you shouldn't be here. you can't be here. please, just leave me alone," i pressed, trying to shut the door again. "stop being so uptight. last night was some of the most fun i've had in awhile. why can't we be friends? i don't get it." i was starting to get frustrated. why couldn't she just leave me alone? why couldn't she just be okay with being shut out like everyone else? "gabbie, leave."
"i'm not leaving. not until you tell me why you refuse to keep anyone in your life," she said, staring into my eyes. i looked away. "it's complicated. just take my word for it. you're better off without me." she shook her head. "i think i'm capable of making that decision for myself, liza. let's talk," she said, pushing against the door lightly. "gabbie, i said no," i growled, my tone getting a little more aggressive.
"liza, let me in," she asserted. i wasn't backing down. "gabbie, stop," i said slightly louder. she looked up into my eyes, but i refused to let her pressure me into something that was against my rules yet again. "please, liza. what did i do wrong?" she asked, her tone softer. however, i wasn't easing up in my frustration.
"nothing, just get out," i threatened. "why do you keep pushing me out?" she asked, continuing to push me closer to the edge. i couldn't hold it in anymore. "because i'm a bomb, gabbie! and eventually i'm gonna blow up, taking everyone out around me with the shrapnel," i shouted, irritated at her unwillingness to budge. she looked stunned, and i instantly regretted the words that had just left my mouth. what have i done?
