liza
i fell back onto my bed, tears streaming down my face. "i shouldn't have said anything. i shouldn't have opened up," i sobbed quietly. i curled into a ball under my sheets with my head poking out. "but, i shouldn't have made her leave, either," i wailed, crying harder. she just wanted to help. but, i was making the right decision to push her away. it was better for her. right? i didn't know anymore. she was the one person who cared about me in this moment.
i felt my phone buzz next to me and attempted to read the message through my blurry tears. i'm here if you ever needed me or just need someone to talk to. remember that. i caused this mess. i never should have said yes to any of her invites after the bar. but, she helped. she made me feel better before i made it all worse again. my tears left traces of their path on my cheeks as i drifted off to sleep.
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when i woke up the next morning, i changed into some comfy clothes and walked down to the coffee shop. i kept my head down and moved as quickly as possible, trying to avoid any social interactions. i ended up taking the quick way back, different from my normal routine. when i got home, i finished my coffee before taking an uber to the radiology appointment i had scheduled. i was nervous of what they would find on the imaging, but i knew it was something i had to do.
when i got there, i filled out some information on a clipboard the desk lady handed me and waited a few more minutes before i was called back. i went into a dimly lit room with a kind woman who would be doing the screenings. she told me to lie in certain positions on a table to take ct scans of my lungs.
eventually, she handed me a yellow-orange envelope that had the images inside. i had an appointment with my pulmonologist in a separate wing of the same building, so she told me to hold onto them and give them to him. i thanked her and walked across the building to wait in yet another waiting room.
after about half an hour of sitting on my phone, he called me back. i handed him the envelope, and he took them into a different room across the hallway. i was waiting in the chair they had in the small room when he came back with his assistant or intern. he sat down on a stool and rolled over to where i was.
"hi, liza. how are you, today?" he asked in a calm tone. "i don't know, you tell me. you're the one who just saw my lungs," i said bluntly. he sighed a little. rolling his chair back to its place, he stood up and walked over to a little board on the wall. flipping a switch, white light started shining from the board. he clipped the images of my lungs up so that you were able to see all of my insides displayed, quite literally.
he pointed to a circular shape on my right lung. "that... is a mass. it's a little bigger than four centimeters long." he paused. "they are cancerous cells." my stomach dropped. i knew i had cancer, that part was obvious. everything was suddenly setting in as i stared at the tumor that was inside of me. "it hasn't spread anywhere else yet. we've caught it in about stage ii," he explained. i couldn't take my eyes off the screen.
"what now?" i asked in a whisper. "well, our best course of action is surgery. we would perform what is called a lobectomy. we would go in and remove the lobe affected in your right lung, hopefully preventing any further masses to form. the right lung has three lobes, you'd still have two lobes left in your lung, so you shouldn't have any substantial breathing problems." i was in shock. surgery?
"is it our best option?" i asked. "it's your greatest chance, yes," he said, trying to feed me the information gently but factually. "when would we do it?" i asked, scared of his answer. "well, we'd want to do it soon. would you like to look at different openings?" he asked softly, knowing i was still trying to take it all in. i nodded.
we eventually scheduled the surgery for tuesday. today was thursday. i paid my bill for the two appointments and the images and went outside to leave. i couldn't believe in five days i was going to have multiple people with their hands in my chest. i needed time to process everything, so i decided to walk home. the office was about seven miles from my apartment, but i didn't care. my mind was swimming with too many thoughts.
i stayed calm in the office, but i couldn't hold it in anymore. i started sobbing and tried my best not to make it obvious to the people who were driving by. if anyone noticed, no one cared enough to slow down. my feet kept dragging me on no matter how tired i got. they were carrying me somewhere, but i wasn't sure where.
after i'd walked for about an hour, i found myself take a wrong turn and go in a different direction than the location of my residence. my brain told me to turn around, but me feet kept moving me towards this unknown location. i found myself crossing campus, going in the complete wrong direction.
i arrived at a dorm building, and i walked up to a specific floor. letting my feet carry me, i found myself standing in front of a dorm room. her dorm room. i heard slight laughter coming from inside, and my brain was screaming at me to go home. this was wrong. but, instead, i raised my fist up and knocked on the door.
i heard movement inside, and the door opened to reveal her smiling while on the phone with someone. her expression changed to confusion when she saw my state. "hey, i'm gonna call you back," she said softly into the phone before hanging up.
