gabbie
liza and i were playing poker with buttons i grabbed from the drugstore this morning. i mean, when you're living off a college student's wage, you work with what you've got. we were just trying to pass the time before her surgery. it was about noon. neither of us slept well last night.
yesterday, liza told me to go home, but i refused to leave her. "i'm fine," she said, trying to persuade me to go sleep in a real bed. "i'm staying," i said stubbornly, settling into the chair beside her hospital bed. "whatever, it's your back," she said, scoffing a little. i know secretly, she was glad not to be alone.
"boom. flush. ha! i win," she grinned, trumping my three of a kind. she pushed the cluster of buttons into her pile as the doctor came in to check on her. i stopped shuffling the cards, so i could hear anything he had to say. he did a few different checks to make sure everything was okay. "the patient before you is almost out of their surgery, and then we'll begin prepping the o.r. for you," he said, turning to leave.
i went back to shuffling before liza gently reached over and put her hand on mine, signalling for me to stop. she leaned back, silently looking up at the ceiling. she took a shaky breath. "can we take a break from poker?" she asked quietly, not removing her gaze from the intricate patterns on the ceiling. "of course," i said softly, setting the cards onto the small bedside table.
liza reached over and started playing some music softly from her phone. she moved over in her bed a little and glanced over at me. i could tell she was fighting tears. "will you lay with me?" she asked, her voice breaking. i nodded and came over to lay with her. neither of us said anything, basking in the presence of the other, listening to the soft music. i wasn't sure when i'd see her again.
"i'm scared, gabbie," she whispered. "it's gonna be okay," i said giving her hand a squeeze. "i promise." she took a breath. "but, what if it's not," she asked. "liza, you're going to be okay. you'll get through this, and then you'll get to go back to coffee trips in the morning and making weird tv show references that nobody else gets." she smiled a little with tears in her eyes. she rolled over to look at me, and a tear dripped down her cheek.
"hey, everything's going to be alright. i'm scared, too. i don't want to lose you, but we have to think positively." i pulled her in for a hug, and she cried quietly, knowing there was nothing either of us could do. it was out of our control. she laid her head on my shoulder, and we laid there next to each other with soft sounds coming from her phone.
a nurse came in, and we both knew it was time. i slid off the bed, so she could go up to the o.r. i wasn't allowed to go past a certain point, but i sure as hell was going to walk with her until i couldn't. i held her hand as they wheeled her down the hallway. i gave her a weak smile when we got to the border. i was trying to take in this image of my friend, not sure i'd ever see it again.
i gave her hand a kiss and told her that everything would be okay, not sure who i was trying to convince more. they began to pull her away when she stopped. "wait, gabbie," she said urgently. i came over to her. "what's wrong, baby?" i asked. tears sprang to her eyes again. "i need you to call my parents," she whispered. "they're gonna want to know... in case something happens." she wiped away a tear from her cheek. i nodded. "i'll call them, so that you can tell them you're okay," i said, unwilling to give up hope. she gave me a weak smile and tried to stop the light tears as they took her away.
pulling out her phone, i found her dad's contact. i was hoping his reaction to this story wouldn't be as heartbreaking as her mom's. it took everything in me to hold it all together on that call. i had to explain all of the secrets their daughter had kept from them over the months. they said they would come down immediately, and i was hoping that when liza woke up she would be able to repair things with her parents.
i walked back to the waiting room of the hospital, not wanting to be in her room. i saw down on one of the chairs away from everyone and tried to hold it in. i tried not to think about the danger of this situation, but my head was swimming. i broke down and tried to quiet my sobs while my best friend was being sliced open on a table.
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taking a sip of the gross hospital coffee, i glanced up to look at the clock. it'd been multiple hours, but i refused to sleep or leave. finally, i saw one of the surgeons on liza's team. i got up and walked over to them, eager to know that she was okay. eager to know when i could go see her. eager to know when we could go home. their face already read a different story.
"where is she?" i asked hesitantly. "during surgery, there were some complications," he began in a professional tone that was supposed to sound comforting. "no," i whispered, tears returning. "she didn't make it. i'm so sorry, but liza is dead." the styrofoam cup fell from my hands. i felt empty. he tried to reach out and touch my shoulder, but i flinched and moved away. "don't. touch me. please," i breathed, stepping away from the situation.
i moved into a vacant corridor, and my back slid along the wall as i sat on the floor and hugged my knees. this couldn't be happening. there was nothing in me to stop what wanted to come out. i had no regard for trying to quiet my cries. i couldn't bear the pain, but i knew liza was out of her suffering now. i didn't know how much longer she had anyways. i just wanted her to be happy. i think i can say the days before she died, she was truly happy. i miss her so much already.
after my composing myself slightly, i went back out to the waiting room. i knew i had to wait for her parents. after awhile, i saw two people rush into the room and go straight to the desk lady, frantically asking for information. i knew that was them. i approached them gently, forcing myself to hold it together for them. "mr. and mrs. koshy?" i asked, they turned to me. "um, we spoke on the phone, i was friends with your daughter." "was?" she asked desperately.
"i'm so sorry."
