I'm Not Fine At All

Sink or swim?

The rest of the school day flew by thank God! The sooner school was over, the sooner I would find out where Ashton would take me for the afternoon. We had all the same classes today, so we were basically giggling like 6 year olds all day and gaining many dirty looks from teachers and students who were trying to concentrate. We didn't care though, we enjoyed each other's company too much. Is it childish that i've gotten attached to Ashton so quick? Is he acting all friendly and bringing me places because he pities me? Is he doing all this just to make an absolute fool out of me and for me to be the laughing stock of the school? But what if he is just being nice and i'm being a bitch to him, am I using him to try get over Mikey? Does he have feelings for me and am I leading him on way more than I should? So many questions raced through my head, oh shit. I knew where this was leading... I need to find Ashton before my thoughts eat me alive again. Im in the girls bathroom fixing my hair and makeup, but being alone for any length of time can make me go into one of my "moods".

My "moods" are what I use to describe what i'm like before a panic attack and I hate it. They have been a part of my life since I was 13 and they occur when I think too much about something that stresses me or makes me nervous. I used to go counselling for my panic attacks and I was given tips on how to prevent them. I would try all these tips but none would work, the only person who could stop them was Michael.

The paranoia began to set in, I felt all eyes on me and I sprinted down the halls looking for Ash. I look around and i'm met by eyes staring at me, laughing, laughing at me. Then I turned around to see a herd of people right behind me, why are these fucking weirdos following me?! I felt sweat run down the side of my forehead, tears making my vision blurry. I then was tripped by something but I don't know what. I looked up and saw people laughing, looking down on me like I was a fool, a stupid bitch that just annoyed everyone and wasn't wanted. I crawled to my feet trembling, fear taking over my body. I decided to forget about Ashton and go home. I sprinted to the main door, my sobs now audible. I shoved people out of the way, not even noticing that they were there. I swung open the front door and bolted across the courtyard, then I felt a strong hand grab my arm. I began to scream and try to wrestle out of their grasp as much as possible. People were now looking at me in shock and worry, not in pity and embarrassment.

"Woah woah Ind what's wrong? Breathe breathe it's just me, Ashton" Ash cooed as he pulled me to look at him. He looked so petrified and worried. I looked into his eyes and they filled me with a feeling of safety. I just broke down crying even more, falling to a heap on the ground. Ashton gathered me up in his strong, tanned arms which were on display in his tight white t-shirt. He rocked me and kept cooing "shhh you're safe you're alright, I have you now." Slowly, he began to walk us towards home. I put my hand on his shoulder and put my face into his chest, the steady beating of Ash's heart and his body heat making me feel protected. My heartbeat was beginning to normalise and my breathing came back semi normal. He did something I only thought Michael could do, he made me feel safe.

We reached my house and I gave him the key. With no hesitation he flung the door open and lay me gently on the couch, kneeling next to me and brushing my forehead gently with his thumb. "Do you want a drink of water and a bit of food Ind?" He whispered, staring into my eyes. I just nodded, bringing my knees to my chest and turning myself into a little ball on the sofa. He came back in no time, with a pint glass of water and some cookies on a plate. Jesus I am unbelievably lucky to have Ash. "Thanks a million Ash, you've no idea how grateful I am" I smiled weakly, looking into his hazel eyes full of concern. "Can you tell me what happened? Did someone get at you? Because I swear to God if anyone touched you or said anything to you I will fuckin-" I stopped him and let out a little laugh, "No don't worry i'm not getting bullied, I just had another panic attack that's all" I shrugged. "That's all? Ind you came out of that school running as if an axe murderer was after you! I didn't know what the hell happened! You can't just shrug it off if it was that bad, do you want to talk about what set you off or are you okay?" He asked. Even though he only had good intentions, I shook my head "no", he couldn't know that I was having a panic attack over him. "I'm just glad you're calm now, we won't go out this afternoon, how about we just sit and watch a movie? I'll order some pizza and shitty food and run to get some scary movies, sound good?" He cherped, smiling at me. "You're an amazing friend Ash" I smiled, pulling him into a hug. "If anyone hurts you I promise you I will defend you no matter what they did to you okay? I will keep you out of harm, always", Ash whispered as he tightened the hug. I never wanted to let my guard down so quick to someone, I was always seen as the 'tough cookie' who would never crumble, but as everyone in Richmond saw today, I crumbled into a million pieces. Am I wrong to trust Ashton so quick? My mind had so many questions but my heart was screaming at me, over all my worried thoughts, "TRUST HIM".