Total Drama Revenge of the Island: DarkWitch1999's Fanfiction

Jason's Audition Tape

Static on the screen appears briefly, then transitions to a very crappy and messy looking apartment. Police sirens can be heard from the background as Jason faces the camera while sitting in a damaged bean bag chair with duct tape on several areas of the bean bag chair.

Jason: (deadpan tone) Yo, I'm Jason! And I'm just gonna be straight with you; I don't watch Total Drama whatever that much. I've really only watched the show whenever I'm hanging out a friend's house; they think the show is awesome. I've only seen several episodes of the show but they were out of order and from each season. But you don't have to be an expert on Total Drama to win Total Drama. If the cast from seasons 1 through 3 can survive their first season, than I can without a doubt survive as well. As you can see, unless your blind, I live in a crappy apartment building in a very rough neighborhood. I had to learn to survive this neighborhood before I could even walk or talk. One mistake can get you shot at by some douche bag, stabbed by a homeless guy with a broken beer bottle, raped by a registered sex offender, and/or mugged by some punk or another homeless guy. (sighs heavily) Yeah.....it's really messed up over here, especially if you live in this crap shack. The landlord's a douche bag who doesn't care about his tenants or takes care of HIS apartment building, and the neighbors are annoying as hell! There are only a few decent people who live in this building; the rest of them are a bunch of crooks, drug-junkies, typical grade A (*beep*)holes, occasionally a depressed person who "vacates" after the first month or less, and families with 24/7 domestic disputes.

The muffled sound of a door slamming shut can be heard.

Jason: (sighs heavily and rolls his eyes) Speak of the devil........the jack(*beep*) that lives next to me is home late. (sarcastically) This will be fun.......

(As the following conversation takes place, Jason silently mimics the man and woman as they argue)

Woman: There you are! Where have you been?! Do you have any idea what time it is?!

Man: (*beep*) you, you (*beep*)! I was out!

Woman: Out where?!

Man: NONE OF YOUR (*BEEP*)(*BEEP*) business! That's where I was!

Woman: None of my business?!?! It's freaking midnight, you (*beep*)! It's none of my business to know where my husband is doing out so late?!?!

Man: Your (*BEEP*)(*BEEP*) right it's none of your business!

Woman: I bet you were out partying with your (*BEEP*)!

Man: DO NOT CALL HER THAT!!!!!!!

Woman: YOU ADMIT IT!!!!!! YOU (*BEEP*)ing (*BEEP*)head!!!!!!

Man: Y'know what?!?! Yes, I admit it! I was (*Beep*)ing!!!! And while we're at it, I've got a bone to pick with you, too! I found two hundred dollars that I didn't spend listed on our bank statement! What the hell did you buy?!?!

Woman: I bought some new curtains!

Man: OOOHHH!!!! Well ain't that just fan-(*beep*)ing-tastic!!!!! It's not like we have curtains! Just those (*beep*)ing things that hang down the windows!!!! What were they again?!?!

Woman: Other than ugly, they're old rags! I was trying to brighten up this (*beep*)y apartment!!! In fact, those curtains might just add value to this whole crapper we live in!!!!!

Man: You're always spending money we don't have on (*beep*) we don't need! Who do you think pays for everything around here?!?!

Woman: That would be me, you son of a (*beep*)! Your crap job doesn't even pay a quarter of our rent!

The couple continued fighting as Jason stopped mimicking them and rolled his eyes.

Jason: I have to put up with that kind of bull all the time. Y'know what's the worse part? The apartment walls are supposed to be really thick! I swear if I get on this show, I will do whatever it takes to win so I can finally move my dad and I out of this crap hole, far away from our annoying neighbors like the Figpuckers next-door! Maybe then my dad will be motivated to get his life tog-............

Jason was cut off by the sound of breaking glass. Jason sighed heavily and rolled his eyes as he stood up.

Jason: I swear, that's it! I can't listen to this anymore! (Walks out of the camera's sight and starts banging on the wall) Hey! Mr. and Mrs. Pig(*beep*)er! SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!

Man: (*beep*) you! You little piece of (*beep*)! This ain't none of your (*beep*)(*beep*) business!!!!

Jason: Then either fix your marriage or get a divorce already you (*beep*)ing douche bag!!

Man: Why don't you go snort crack with that (*beep*)ing cracker you call a father, you son of a (*beep*)!!!!!

The room went silent for a moment. Then Jason walked back over to the camera, obviously trying his best to suppress his rage. His right eye was twitching in anger, but he maintained his usual deadpan look.

Jason: (calmly) I gotta go beat the living (*beep*) out of a certain (*beep*)hat by kicking his (*beep*)ing (*beep*). Think about picking me for the next Total Drama and I'll show you how much of a bad(*beep*) I can be!

Static on the screen appears, end of audition tape...........