i'm only given clues

Chapter 7

She doesn't really sleep. All she can think about is the way that Dinah had kissed her, how she'd looked at her and made her feel in just those few short moments.

It's hard to sleep when it feels like everything is moving out from underneath her. She knows that when she wakes up in the morning, everything will be different. Her friends will look at her with eyes she's never seen before, stare at her with a newness she didn't want to experience until at least her high school reunion, and it will change her entire world. She'll be a completely different person when she wakes up, so she tries her hardest to stop it from happening.

Her last thoughts before she drifts off every time are that, if this is how people act from learning she's smart, how will they be when everyone finds out that she's a lesbian?

She has dreams of slushees being thrown at her and of losing the last few things that keep her upright.

She wakes up with a gasp, drenched in a cold sweat, and starts the cycle all over again.

/

She wakes up late.

Her face is buried in the pillow, her arms wrapped around it and holding it close, and, when she peers over the corner of it to check to clock on the nightstand, she groans when she sees the hour is already in double-digits. Her plan had been to get up early and leave for the day before anyone noticed, wanting to avoid discovering how differently they look at her.

But by the time she manages to pluck up enough courage to walk down the stairs and find out, it's clear that avoidance is impossible. She pads slowly into the kitchen and sees them all sat on the deck out by the pool, already dressed in their swimwear. They all instantly turn and stare at her.

She tries to convince herself that it's because she's only wearing a t-shirt and underwear and looks totally hot in that fresh-out-of-bed kinda way. It's easier than remembering the real reason.

"Hi," someone says, and she's glad that it's Ryan. She sips orange juice from the carton and doesn't say anything. "Are... you okay?"

Normani turns slowly and notices that someone's cleaned her kitchen. She settles when she sees the way that Ryan looks at her as she leans against the counter. It's the same look that Ryan's given her since freshman year, when she would peer over her shoulder and notice the As adorning the top of most of her papers. It's the kind of look that makes her feel like it's okay to be who she is. Dinah used to give it to her too, only it made her feel a lot different.

She gulps and hopes that look hasn't changed.

"I missed breakfast," is all she can find for herself to say. She's still not sure how she feels.

Her brow furrows when Ryan laughs and she watches as her friend peers out the window to see if anyone's looking before turning away from them.

"No, you didn't..." she says and goes on at Normani's confused stare with a satisfied smirk. "They're too afraid of you to eat your food."

Normani smiles, and the information makes her feel a little better.

/

She makes them breakfast, hoping that it's enough to keep them from asking any questions.

None of them complain about anything even though she's not exactly generous with her portions and barks at them about not being fed again if they waste anything. Still, it manages to keep everyone quiet for at least fifteen minutes before they all quietly thank her and head back out to the pool.

The change is barely noticeable, but she feels it.

Dinah doesn't look at her once and sticks to Quincy's side across the table.