i'm only given clues

Chapter 9

They get back late.

She pauses when Dinah follows her to her room and turns before she can come all the way in.

And it doesn't make any sense.

For all the days she spent laying awake wishing Dinah was beside her, holding her, now she can't think of anything she wants less.

She can't think of anything she deserves less.

"I don't..." she shakes her head and stares at the dip between Dinah's collarbones instead of looking at her face.

She's scared she'll still see that disappointment there in sad eyes, that it will take her hours to stop crying again if she sees it. She supposes Dinah's expression must be the picture of concern because her hand reaches out to stroke her cheek, knuckles brushing the same path tears had done.

"What's wrong?" she whispers. It's strange that it's only eleven pm and the house is quiet. She wonders, momentarily, if anybody's home before Dinah cups her cheek and she's grounded again, back in the conversation.

She flinches slightly at the touch. Dinah looks at her, her eyes soft and questioning and Normani can't stand it.

"How can you bear to touch me?" she whispers softly, laugh breathless and exasperated. "How can you even–"

Dinah leans in to kiss her. Normani pulls away before there's even any pressure against her lips.

Dinah sighs.

"Let's just... go to bed," she says softly and pulls them into Normani's room, closing the door on the rest of the world.

/

Dinah strips her of her clothes, leaves her in her underwear and leads her to the bed, sitting down on it.

She waits and Normani knows she's waiting for her to remove her clothes too, to engage in the dance they always do before they fall into bed together. Normani doesn't move, doesn't even shift, just sits there dumbly because she knows where those actions lead.

She can't trust herself anymore.

Dinah's sighs again and moves away from her, walking to the other side of the bed before she undresses. Normani waits until she feels the bed dip before she lays back.

Arms wrap around her body and for the first time they feel like they're smothering her rather than anchoring her to the world.

She doesn't sleep; just lays awake and wonders how far she'd have gone if Dinah hadn't have stopped her.

/

She must have fallen asleep at some point because, when she wakes up, Dinah's leaning on her elbow to look over her, hand resting on her diaphragm. It's still raining and Normani blinks the sleep from her eyes before she glances at her.

"Are you okay?" Dinah asks softly. Normani glances away as she remembers why she needs to be asked that question. She doesn't feel worse, but she's not sure she feels better. She doesn't answer because the more she tries to be honest, the fewer words she has.

Dinah's brow furrows and then she leans in again to kiss her. Normani sees it and takes in a breath, readying herself to need to push away Dinah when their lips finally touch. Her hands grip at the sheets either side of her as Dinah moves further atop her and this is okay, she can handle this. Their lips move smoothly together, soft and gentle, innocent. It feels like Dinah's kissing everything away.

It isn't until Dinah's kisses linger down her neck that alarm bells start to ring. Her hands fall from where they'd reached to hold Dinah's waist back to the sheets. Her hands tighten in them to preemptively stop herself from doing something she might not be able to control.