Wandering Fireflies

Chapter 26: Something Out Of Nothing

Song: Iris by Goo Goo Dolls

It's 7:30 am and I think I am on the brink of insanity.

What if I'm not good enough for him? What if I can't be there for him when he needs me? What if he decides to leave me because he decides that he just doesn't like boys? What if he decides that he doesn't want to be with a fake guy? Or that he just doesn't want to be with me? Maybe I should take female hormones. I'm technically supposed to be female anyways and wouldn't that be easier for Vance? He won't have to worry about dating a guy, or his sexuality. But every time I think about becoming female, my stomach churns and I physically feel sick. There is no way I could do that. I am NOT a girl.

8:00 am.

"Zaavan! Get up and start getting ready or we'll be late for Sunday Mass!"

And that was my night. My thoughts haunted me, refusing to let me sleep. At some points, I fell into that state where I was half awake and half asleep, but it was nowhere near restful.

I sighed as I got up, sitting on the edge of my bed. As hard as I tried, I couldn't get them to stop. I felt consumed by them. All these thoughts circled my mind, constantly asking for answers that I just didn't have.

I grabbed my pillow and slammed it against my face as I screamed out in frustration. After that pointless action, I simply got up in defeat, mindlessly walking around and getting ready.

I've tried so hard to get these thoughts out of my head but they just wouldn't stop. They refused to give me even a moment of peace.

Today was going to be a bad day.

I could already sense it. Something felt wrong. I felt wrong. Right now, the uncertainty I felt about Vance liking me was clawing at me, but that wasn't all. The immense amount of gender dysphoria I was experiencing was tearing me apart.

I just couldn't stand the female part of me right now. Most days, I tried not to think about but today, it felt like it was what defined me, and I hated it.

The dysphoria was also getting to me. I know that I have a guy's chest instead of female breasts but right now,  it was hard convincing myself.

I went to my closet and took out a chest binder my parents didn't know I had and quickly put it on. As unnecessary as it was for me, I felt better knowing that now there was no way that people might think I have breasts. Though a part of me was embarrassed that I had to go to this extent, but I was just didn't want to risk it. I was really unsure about my body and as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was actually insecure.

"Zaavan!"

"I'm coming, I'm almost ready!"

I held my face in my hands and rubbed my eyes in a futile attempt to wake myself up. I'm running late but it's fine. I'll just skip breakfast. Eating made me nervous. If I started gaining weight in the wrong places I'd start looking more like a girl and I just couldn't go through that again. Even so, I knew that just stopping to eat wasn't good for you, so normally I was just really cautious about what I ate.

But today was different. It was one of "those" days.

I just didn't feel like eating. If I were to eat something, I'm almost certain that I'd puke it back out.

I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my temples to try and calm down my growing nerves.

Taking a deep breath, I started to walk out but then I did the one thing that I shouldn't have done. I took a look in the mirror.

I saw myself and being fully dressed, no one would've ever guessed that there was something wrong with me. But I knew, and that's something that I'll never be able to get rid of.