Ruben or August

Chapter 1

Loving can hurt ~
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I placed my hot cup of tea down on its coaster next to my book. I sat down glad I had finally finished hoovering. A friend of mine had come around earlier in the day with their dog and it had left fur all over the lounge. And of course fur is the most annoying thing to hoover off a carpet.

I quickly stood up, and rushed over to the kitchen. I had forgotten to pour some milk in my tea too tired after an early morning getting the house ready for my friend. I opened the fridge maybe a little too quickly nearly making the shelf contests tip over onto the kitchen floor and went to grab the bottle of milk, but then I realised that it wasn't there. I quickly looked up and saw my last but now empty bottle sitting in the sink. Kate must have washed up when I had gone up to the toilet.

I closed my eyes, counted eight deep breaths. Then I breathed out. I repeated the exercise eight time like my favourite and lucky number. Then feeling calmer I slowly opened my eyes and walked over to the table. I took the cup of tea and taking another few deep breaths I walked over towards the sink and reluctantly poured the hot brewage down the sink. It was a hard effort for me to make, I hated wasting food or drinks, and I knew that my 4 pm cup of tea would be a miss.

I left the dirty cup in the sink and walked over to my front door. My shoes were neatly resting underneath it, and I slowly put them on, cringing at the thought of having to go out to the supermarket now.

I knew I would find myself in the shop at the busiest time of the day, but I had no choice. I needed some milk for my 7 pm cup of tea and on Thursdays I always had mashed potatoes and for that I had to get some milk. I usually shopped early Saturday morning. I was one of the first people in the shop, and at that time there weren't that many people. Since a child, I had been used of shopping on Saturday's with my mum and I had kept it that way ever since busy with work the other days.

I put on my jacket, zipping it up, picked up my bag that was hanging of the wall and slowly opened the door. I lived in a quiet neighbourhood. I had chosen it specifically because of the silence. I could hear the birds chippering in summer and the leaves crunching under people's feet in the autumn. The bus stop was only a short five minute walk away taking me in the town center in under twenty minutes. I quickly walked off, looking at the flowers on my way.

'Pansies, roses, forget me not...' I whispered to myself as I walked up to the bus stop. It was one of my many habits, guessing the flower names. In winter, when the snow covered them up, I played the same game, just differently. I tried to guess where each plants were.

As I arrived just in time for the 4.12pm bus, I pulled out my bus card from the side pocket of my bag, and waved at the driver to signal that I wanted him to let me on. He stopped and I hurried onto the bus heading towards my favourite seat. Of course at this time, children were heading home for school and people were coming home for work. The bus was nearly full and I could feel my breathing catch. I quickly pulled out my ear plugs to cut out most of the noise. I tried to concentrate on my breathing, but the noise was unusually high and I couldn't concentrate. I tried to concentrate on a women's shoes, but she kept moving and that just made me feel more stressed and panicked. I quickly pressed on the stop button, remembering that the supermarket would only be a ten minutes' walk from the next stop and that I'd be a lot more in control of the situation.

The doors had barely finished opening that I was shovelling past people to get out. The spring fresh air welcomed me and made me feel slightly better. I stood on the pavement waiting for the bus to drive off before I carried on towards TESCO.

I slowly walked over to the fish counter. I knew that I should have hurried up, just get some milk and go, but on my way I had remembered a request made by my therapist. She had asked me to find the courage to change on of my meal plans. Instead of having the same meals on the same days, she wanted me do discover new foods and vary my diet.