Ruben or August

Chapter 14

I had decided to go and have a walk on the beach. The changes in my life at the moment had made me feel generally overwhelmed. I needed to think and clear my mind. Kate had admitted about the set up coffee date with the son of one of her friends. She had jumped in excitement when I had told her about seeing each other again. I had told her to try and not intervene with my life and she had nodded with a grin and I knew she would really struggle.

I stared at the sea. The slight waves crashing onto the yellowish beach. The rare adventurous people swimming and looking rather cold. The people surfing on the little waves looking like they were actually stand up paddling. The sun was shining and reflecting on the waves making the day look like a typical beach day. I could remember the small memories of when I used to come down here with my mother when I was younger, playing on the pebbles and splashing away in the sea. We used to bring some sandwiches along and spend most of the day here. I sighed at the happy memories, the happy times.

I could also remember my teenage years, before my life came crashing down one night. I could remember the alcohol we drank on the beach late at night, the strong smell and the strong taste burning my throat at first. I could remember the smell of bonfires, the illegal like the legal ones. We used to have lovely bonfire roast marshmallows and then jump in the freezing sea to try and sober up before we had to head home so that our parent's wouldn't smell the alcohol or see how drunk we were. I could remember the girls thinking they were discreetly having sex on the beach behind the group, or the boys trying to kiss the girls. My teenage years were the best. When I had the most fun. I smiled remembering the first time I had kissed the boy I liked.

I thought that he would be the love of my life, that I would grow up with him and then he had admitted that the kiss was just a bet. He was my first crush and my first deception. However I smiled at the memory. 7 years had passed and I had grown to realise that he wasn't the one for me at all. A few years later, after I had forgiven him and started to talk to him again, he had been the one to make me try and smoke pot. At first I had taken just a few breathes of the thing but I kept going about how it didn't do anything, so he decided to give me a blow of it. Let's just say I felt like I was choking. I couldn't breathe and the people with us were just laughing thinking that I was being silly. I then ended up fainting and they had to call 999.

And that's when it all happened. When my life was turned upside down. Because of some stupid teenager thing that had led me to the hospital.

I could remember it like it was yesterday. I could remember the panic, the fright I could feel in the pit of my stomach, the smell of it...I could remember how the days had past, how I had felt relieved to have been found and that he had died. I had been more than happy. I knew that he wouldn't and couldn't harm me anymore. But even though he had died, the stigmata of that day still haunted me today. I was still a nervous wreck with new people because of the trust issue I had. I was still overwhelmed in stranger's cars even though I was starting to get over that issue but deep down I was still upset that someone had allowed all that to happen.

I thought of all the time I had spent talking to psychologist with the hope of feeling better. I could remember the days when I had cried in bed, the nights when I had stayed awake and the hospital visits to try and calm me down. I had been put under several medications, not of them really working. I remember my mum even taking me on month long holidays to try and get me to think about other things. But unfortunately for her, we only later found out what really helped me. Kate's shop. One day my mother had brought me to go and see Kate to give her something I can't remember now. They had left me to look at the animals in the front shop whilst they had disappeared into the back shop. I had never felt so good within minutes of stroking and petting the animals. I had felt so much calmer and so much more relieved and less stressed. My mother had even left me there for the afternoon. That's why Kate had let me work there a year later. Of course after the incident, I had ended up dropping out of school and I hadn't even wanted to go back. But at the end of the day, I felt really happy working with Kate.

I slowly continued walking along the beach. I took my shoes off and timidly but bravely put my feet in the water. The waves crashing in were making my trousers wet, but the cold of the sea was waking me up and helping me clear my mind. I looked over towards the pier and couldn't help but remember when I had been there with Ruben. I quickly shook my head to try and focus on anything but him. I needed to forget about him and for good. I walked along the beach still in the water. My body had got used to the temperature. I walked towards Hove as if I was turning my back towards the Pier and its memories.
And with that I promised myself that the next time I'd go back to all the places I had been with Ruben, it would be with someone special and that's truly worth it.

It's not easy to walk away I thought, but it will be okay and I will be just fine. I can do this I thought and it will be alright, even though it may be painful I told myself and swore to myself that I could do this. I know that to rise you need to stumble a few times. Love is a complicated matter, its complex and can be difficult to define. But trust goes along with trust. If Ruben had trusted me to admit that he knew Jace more than just as friends knew each other, then I would have been able to accept that he had had a long relationship which ended up not that long ago. And the fact that he had not sent me a message or come around to explain or come up with some well-prepared excuse, then I must not have been that special to him.