Diary Of The School Misfit (#wattys2019)

The Day of Resolutions

Dear dairy,

All my life, I never felt I belonged but I knew I had to fight. Despite our humanity, we will always be animals. Survival instincts rule us and we're all part of the food chain. It was eat or be eaten and for so long, I was at the bottom of the food chain. Despite being at the bottom of this food chain, vulnerable to all, I still wasn't good enough. I was the carcass that even the vultures would not touch. Until recently. I started to fight, more for someone else than myself. I was fighting to be the girl my Adonis would desire. The girl he could, should and would love. I stood, but not for myself and that was my downfall. I didn't stand for my somebodiness. I didn't fight for who I was and what I believed in. I didn't fight to get to the top of the food chain. I was fighting to be the carcass so perfectly dressed that even predators, not just scavengers, would find me appealing. I was fighting, but to remain at the bottom of the food chain. Fighting to be everybody's resort. I don't know how I'm going to but I need to move on from that.

Ever since my confession, it's been torture seeing Lemuel at school. It's not like he's been avoiding me. Quite the contrary. In the hallway, on assembly, during lunch, I feel a deep pair of eyes on me. I get the feeling that I'm not only being watched, I'm being scrutinised. When I turn I find none other than the ebony demigod staring at me so hard. It feels like I'm being assessed. An assessment I know I'll fail, at least for now. Sometimes our eyes lock and he never stares away. He looks at me so intently as if daring me. A look so deep with musing. Every time I feel those black eyes piercing my soul. I'm surprised I've never for once lost my head. He drives me in ways he'll probably never truly know but I'm done losing it all for him.

A little dignity. That's what I need and that's what I'm going to apply.

Jenny and Tola seem to be getting a little too cozy with me. They're being awfully nice. Too nice and it's nauseating. From occasional "Good morning"s when I pass them to a lot more cheerier conversations. What if Lemuel told them? Or worse; what if he made it seem more embarrassing than it really was? He left with the sheets. What if he showed it to them? I'm sure they all had a wonderful laugh about that. Ugh! I'm so irritated - by everyone and everything. Why does life have to do this to me?  It's unfair but I'm moving on. I'm letting go. I'm better than all this and refuse to let my life be determined by a boy (no matter how perfectly created) and his girl posse. I'll give them back whatever it is they give to me. Nice and warm? I'll return the gesture. Cold and unkind? I'll return that too.

"Well hi Ruby." Jenny said with an obviously fake smile on her face. "Hi." I replied with the sweetest smile I could. "I was just wondering if you've been to the music room all day." She said. "No. I haven't. Why?" I asked. "Oh nothing. I just thought you'd go see Lemuel or some..." I interrupted before she finished her sentence. "I know you have an unknown level of idiocy, so, just so you understand, I'll say this slowly. I. Do. Not. Go. There. Because. Of. Lemuel." I punctuated every word with a step closer to her. "I go there because of the essence of the place. Music and it's mere presence rehabilitates me. Lemuel is just an added advantage." I deadpanned. Disarray crossed her features but she quickly covered it up with a scoff. "Uhm. Okay. That's how you've decided to fight? With English and your big fancy words?" She said trying to keep her smile in place. A smile that was faltering. " I...uh...I want to leave now." She stammered and only then did I realise that I had her between myself and the wall. My eyes roamed her body and I saw her trembling slightly. I bit back a smile and stepped out of the way. I watched her scramble away and headed to my own class.

I have decided to be a reflection of life and of people. A mirror. I will give whatever it is I receive. I refuse to be stepped on. Regardless of who it is. Yes even if it's Lemuel. I'm having dignity and I'm unapologetic about it.

I've started it, and it will go on. It doesn't just end here tonight with me in my Pyjamas scribbling in a book. My reforms will be with me from now for as long as is necessary.

I'm even getting rid of the bear. It's not good for me. It reminds me too much of a part of him that doesn't exist. I'm giving up on him. I can't keep waiting for a fairy tale ending. This Prince isn't considering Cinderella and so Cinderella will become a Princess on her own.

I have a day of badassing tomorrow, so...
Good night Diary.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
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