Harry Potter One Shots

He'd Never Admit

All rights belong to the author, JustAnotherWannabe

He didn't own a picture of Lily. The ones of their youth were lost thanks to his impassionate mother, and as Lily dropped his friendship in adolescence, it was impossible for him to grab hold of a photograph. In the months following her death, Snape feared his memory of Lily would be swept away with age. And as the years went by, it indeed started to happen. Oh, he remembered the bigger picture of course. It was the finer details he couldn't pick out. He was unable to picture the freckles on her nose. He couldn't see the exact place on her shoulders where her hairline ended. And if you asked his to place the beauty mark on her neck, he wouldn't remember where it was. And Snape was frightened by it. It was his biggest fear.

But her eyes would never leave him. The green emerald eyes that never stopped sparkling. Even in anger her eyes danced animatedly, always so full of life. He could never forget her eyes.

Twenty-four hours pass
I look around and find
That I haven't thought of her

Snape would never admit he liked having Harry around.

He didn't know why. Surely it would be much easier than holding on to the spite he's felt since he was an eleven-year-old boy. Anybody who has ever tried to hold a grudge for any long period of time can tell you that it isn't an easy thing to do. Most would find twenty-five years an impossible amount of time to loathe someone so passionately. But he did it; he didn't know how, but he still did it. He knew it didn't make sense. As he forced Dumbledore to swear never to reveal his hand in protecting Harry, he could hear the idiocy dripping from his words.

Sometimes he thought about giving up. Before the Dark Lords return, he toyed with the idea of giving up his façade. There were days when he wanted to throw his hands into the air, completely ignore Dumbledores concern of His return, and just come clean to Harry. He wanted to be what Lupin was to him, what Black was to him in his life. He wanted to provide Harry with memories of the mother he would never know.

Really, he just wanted somebody to mourn with. Playing his part in the war, he never got any sympathy. That was fine, really, seeing as he really didn't like people. He had been sulking in corners all his life, and was fine with doing it now. But sometimes he just wanted somebody to sulk with. Somebody to understand, or at least recognize his pain.

In the end, he knew he could never give up his act. It wouldn't turn out alright. Things rarely ever did for him.

Not even when I'm somewhere
We used to go
Not even if there's someone
We used to know

It hurt the way Harry was like her. Snape didn't want him to be. He wanted them to be complete opposites. He wanted to hate the son of James Potter. But he couldn't. Harry was also the son of Lily Evans. In the months before the boy's arrival at Hogwarts, Snape spent hours dreaming up a dream Harry. His father in all he was; pompous in his newfound power, the whole saved-the-wizard-world thing just boosting him an extra step higher. He was too disappointed for words when he actually met the boy. He wasn't cocky or rude; he was quiet, shy, always trying his best to avoid the spotlight. It was with frustration that he realized the dream Harry was nothing like the real thing. They were so clearly opposite that at times he would actually question his memory of James' character; if he was so wrong about the boy, he could very well be so wrong about the father. It alarmed him like nothing else ever could. Snape spent years sneering at the young Potter, trying to convince everybody around him that he was, indeed, his haughty father. He spent seven years trying to convince himself. And it never worked.

Even though he never let on, he never hated Harry. And Snape always hated the way he couldn't hate him.

It's hardly everyday
It's most unusual
In fact I can't remember when

Every so often throughout Harry's school years, his worst fear would come true. He'd forget about Lily. It didn't happen often, and it never lasted long. But it happened. He would wake up and go through his day without missing her smile, or picturing her hair shine in the moonlight during all those times they had taken nighttime walks together. He would wake up the next morning and his heart would catch fire, realizing that he had forgot to remember. He'd forget about the only woman-person, if he was telling the truth-that he had ever loved.

Strange thing was that those were the days he was actually happy. He wouldn't make his class work so much harder than necessary, just to make his students feel inferior. He wasn't as prejudiced against Gryffindor students. He wasn't so hardhearted toward everybody around him. Maybe it was because he no longer felt the guilt he harbored because of her; guilt for the horrible things he said to her, guilt that he ended her life, guilt that he had to be so terrible to her son, guilt for becoming the person he is today.

But sometimes a day goes by
When I don't think of her
'Til morning comes and then
There she is again

One of the most peculiar things about those days was that he never stopped fighting. He always figured if it weren't for Lily, he would never have joined the Order. He always thought if it weren't for her, he'd be rotting in some Azkaban cell. But at times like these, he just wasn't sure.

Because if that was the case, he wouldn't try so hard to protect Harry. But he did, even on the days he forgot about her. He was always looking out for him. Sometimes he would even forget to hate Harry. He worked for years to shelter the boy he always claimed to despise for the woman he worshiped. He loves Lily, so he defends Harry; that part was simple math. But then when you took Lily out of the equation, the outcome was still the same. He could argue that it had become a habit at this point, something totally involuntary. But he never would. Deep down he knew it was a lie.

Maybe that was why he pushed Harry so hard. Maybe all he had been trying to do was to help him to succeed. Maybe he gave Harry so many detentions so that he'd stay out of trouble. Maybe he was so upset when Mad Eye came to teach because he didn't want anybody else looking out for Harry; maybe that was part of the reason why he didn't want Lupin teaching either. Maybe he only cringed when Harry was compared to James because he knew that the boy was so much better than that.

Maybe, just maybe, despite how he acted towards the boy, despite what he told Dumbledore, and despite what he told himself...maybe he had actually grown to care for Harry Potter.

Sometimes a day goes by
When I don't think of her
'Til morning comes and then
There she is again
There she is again...

Snape would never admit he liked having Harry around. But that doesn't mean it isn't true.