How to be Forever Alone [#Wattys2020]

28.

"It's seven in the morning, you'll wake up all the neighbours," my mom says as she descends the steps of our small front porch. 

She's still dressed in her pink cotton pyjamas covered by her twenty-year-old housecoat. Everything about her just screamed that she had just gotten out of bed.

Her face is all scrunched up and red as she approaches me, "Now, you! Where the hell have you been?!" 

"Well-" I try to get out before failing.

"Don't you dare say anything!" she shouts. "If your brother hadn't told me he was the one who dropped you off at the airport, I would have thought the worst."

Her teeth are all gritted and in a few slight seconds I thought she might start crying, but instead, she holds it all in. 

"I don't think I can even look at you," she says as she turns away to go back inside.

"Mom!" I try to get her to look at me, but she doesn't stop.

"I'm out of here," I hear Flint say as he returns to sit in his car and drive off.

"Flint!" I run after him, but stop when I know there's no way I could catch up to him.

I'm not entirely sure who I was supposed to be yelling at now, but I knew I wasn't done saying my piece.

"I sent a STUPID email!" I yell into the void of the cold morning sun.

Yep, that's right, the sun is a cold, heartless, and cruel... 

I feel my face become like a crunched up piece of paper.

... I don't know... Person? Being? Well, I know it's a star. It's just a mean, horrible star! It's not even the most interesting one out there! I'm only trying to say that...

I really was at a loss for words now, I had no idea what I was getting at. I don't even know what I'm trying to say in regards to that giant flaming ball of stuff. I don't even know the first thing about astronomy, let alone what qualifies stars becoming a sun.

If there was no fear of getting hit by someone on their way to work, I would have laid down right here on the road and prayed that I would slowly disappear into the pavement. 

This world is just too big for me to understand, particularly when it comes to the people around me. It would be helpful if someone could create me an encyclopedia, cause up until now I've managed to screw every relationship up, even the meaningless ones. How can someone do this to themselves? How can I do this to myself?

I couldn't very well stay out here forever, so I came to the decision that the best and really my only course of action was to go inside. It wasn't my preferred idea, but I knew that avoiding my mother for the rest of time wasn't an option.

I don't understand what's stopping me. I said I was going to go inside, but I feel... well I guess I'm kind of scared. 

My mom was pretty mad at me earlier and I don't blame her, but what child doesn't hate getting yelled at by their parents. They may love you, but it's absolutely terrifying when you're on the receiving end of this one-way conversation. As a kid, however, my dad was much more the forgiving type than my mom. Luckily, my mom just didn't have the patience to try and get through to me and my brother, so dad was usually the on to give us a talk.

But, I'm still standing out here, and the sky is getting lighter and lighter, and I was sure if I didn't really make up my mind, the neighbours would start asking what was going on or they would come to their own conclusions.

I imagine that they would think I've been kicked out of my house, probably because of some crazy thing I did. I would be labelled "another teenager who's turned in to a complete wreck" and they would all rush to Flint, praising him for not turning down the same path.

Okay, this is it. I make my way to the front door incredibly slowly, still processing whether I'm making the right decision. 

Just walk in there and own it!

By owning it I would definitely require some confidence which doesn't feel to be mustering up at the moment. Maybe I'm not going at this correctly?

Instead, it would be much smarter to open the door and bolt it to my room before my mom is even aware that I'm in the house. 

So, I finally place my hand on the doorknob and slowly turn it. I just hoped that it wouldn't create a screeching noise to alert anyone to my presence and thankfully it was all fine.

All the lights are on, but no one seems to be moving around. The only thing I can hear is the sound of the morning news coming from the living room.

And just like that, my brilliant plan to avoid my mom was right out the door.

Even if the entire first floor is completely lit up, something still made me feel uneasy. The floorboards creek every time I take a step and I could almost hallucinate a rat crawling past my feet.

Nothing was really out of place or dirty, but I knew the vibe I was feeling wasn't right.

I finally turn in to face my living room where the TV is on and I see my mom sitting on the couch, yet there's someone sitting beside her.

I look the man over closely. The receding hairline, a closely fitted dress shirt tucked around his middle-aged stomach and his arm is around my mom.

They notice me standing under the archway to the room and gaze up at me.

"Oh, hey Claire," he says taking in a long breath, "Long time no see."

Oh my god! No! This can't be happening!

I thought I would just pass out, but my body didn't give me the luxury of doing so.

"Hi... Hi Rick."