Save Yourself from Me

Chapter 46

Riley's Pov

I had woken up with a groan as the light in the room was too bright, my eyelids felt too heavy and my body felt like it weighed a ton. I was not ready to get up and be alive, but then as my brain became more conscious and the darkness began to fade, my mind started replaying the conversation I had with Andy.

He made the promises I wanted to hear, he said the words that I need to hear, but I could also feel them, as they wrapped around me and seemed to be tugging me out of the darkness.

But maybe it was all just a dream or a hallucination, my mind had a funny way of messing with me like that. I could've just been imagining everything that was said, I wouldn't be surprised, it wouldn't be the first time.

I pried open one eye at a time that resulted in an accompanying headache, but that quickly dulled into the back of my head. I saw the fresh bandages around my arm and leg and my head felt heavy as I tried to sit up.

I knew what happened when I saw the white wrapping that had red spots on them. I knew that I had snapped and that everything that had happened was real. The voices were quiet, maybe they were still asleep, but I was starting to freak out in the silence of the room.

I reached for my phone, not even sure what the time was, I scrolled through my very limited contact list until I found Tracey's number and I hit the green button to call her, lifting the phone to my ear. It rang 3 times before her sleepy voice came through the phone. "Hello?"

I hadn't yet tested my pipes, so when I spoke, I sounded like a serial killer smoking 10 packs a day, "Tracey?" I cleared my throat and then I heard shuffling and a curse through the line.

"Riley? Are you okay? What's wrong?" I used to hate those two questions because I was never okay and everything was always wrong, but I knew I needed help this time.

I felt my stomach churn as I whispered through the phone, "I'm not sure anymore Trae, I'm not okay and I want to be, I don't know what to do, everything is falling apart." I feel a sob choke me and then I hear Tracey mumble before she speaks.

"It's okay Rie, I'm here and so is Andy and we'll help any way we can." She sounds distant like she's further from the phone, but I don't take much note, I just need to talk to her.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" I ask, suddenly conscious of the time and the strain I've been putting on this friendship. It was a miracle that she lasted this long with me in the first place.

"It's okay, I wasn't really sleeping." The lie made my heart ache and then she spoke again, "Riley, you know you can talk to me whenever you want right?" She knew me too well, as the silence stretched on.

"I know, I just don't want to burden you." My voice felt small.

"Riley Meredith Jones, how many times must I tell you I love you unconditionally and you are never a burden to me, except when you wake me up early when I'm hungover, I think that's just mean and you enjoy watching me learn the same lesson over and over." She laughed and I smiled, she never complained about the trouble I had been or the trouble I had put her through.

"I love you too Trae," I whispered and I could feel a need to hold onto that love, that I was teetering on the verge of losing.

"You doing okay there? Is there anything you need me to bring when I come to see you during visiting hours?" I paused, I wanted nothing but her love and support, hers and Andy's but I knew that I was asking for too much and it made me feel even smaller.

"No, I'm fine. I just missed you." I lie, but it's easier this way, a lie covered in the truth, sprinkled with disillusions of being okay, "I'll talk to you later." I ended the call without giving her a chance to say anything.

I sat and stared at the blinding white wall. Not sure if I knew what was worth what anymore.