break free from the voices in my head

if i could fly // skz x lix

author's note; 19/06/2020.

there's been rumours going around about felix and i don't want to fuel them, but i want to address how some things in this one shot could be very insensitive and triggering. we can't be sure if he's actually self harming irl and it's not our place to say or point it out. i wrote this fic as fiction and i wasn't aware of the rumours at the time so please don't take it as reality,, i'm not sure if i should take this down or keep it up with this message but i'll definitely consider this before i write now. it's almost been a year and i'm so sorry this is how i'm coming back 🥺 👉🏻👈🏻

this had been the 6th time felix had messed up during their practice. the members had become increasingly worried for their bright koala like friend- he usually put the most effort into practice, though the others did too.

felix was so exhausted. he had felt as if he went to sleep he wouldn't be able to wake up, but once he did try to rest for a few hours to fuel up for the long hours of practice the next day, he would stay up, thoughts endlessly running through his head.

snapping out of his self pitying thoughts, felix bowed to his members in annoyance toward himself. "i-i'm so sorry, i can't seem to get this part right," he said, head still down low.

"hey, it's okay," chan lifted his head up- staring at felix with a sympathetic look in his eyes, "we can just continue tomorrow, you need rest."

at the time felix had just nodded and silently walked back to the dorm, but now sitting on his bed, freshly showered, he knew it had been a big mistake. the dorm was silent, the sound of his heavy breathing and the tick of a clock being the only distinct noises. the members hadn't come back yet and it was already 11 pm.

felix sighed and walked over to the small kitchen, he grabbed a glass of water and an apple.

'you shouldn't even be eating this late at night, that's why all the fans call you chubby' felix angrily thought to himself. and with that, he put the apple back and took the glass of water to his room.

sitting on his bed, the hungry boy scrolled on his phone until a loud grumble resonated throughout the room. he hadn't eaten anything the whole day with the exception of a banana and a handful of nuts. however, it was still too late to be eating anything now.

felix was contemplating whether to ignore all his instincts and just grab the apple or to save it until tomorrow and just go to bed with an empty stomach until a bunch of negative comments flooded into his head.

'you're seriously eating right now?' 'no wonder you get that much hate' 'why don't you just kill yourself, fatty?' 'you're just a burden to the group'

even then he couldn't ignore the hunger and went for the apple, quickly calculating the calories in his head. '52, not that much' he thought.

and with that the australian continued scrolling on his phone while munching on the apple, quickly finishing it before walking to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

the freckled boy caught his reflection in the mirror and frowned. the baby fat on his face still hadn't gone away, the freckles splattered unevenly gave a dirty effect, his eyes were too uneven, it was all a mess.

leaning down to splash his face with a bit of cold water, felix started to tear up. if not even the fans liked him, why would anyone else?

he stood up straight with a fuzzy mind and made a decision. walking over to the toilet, he bent down and stared into the water. 'i would be losing more weight if i got the food out, right?' felix thought, 'the fans would like me more'