Of All the Things that I Don't Know (Spot Conlon + OC)

Chapter 3

It was beautiful outside. The air was cool with the promise of an impending season change. Summer was almost over, and the breeze blowing throughout New York City felt like a refreshing new beginning. Maybe this would be my chance to finally start fresh as well, shedding the hurt and pessimism of the past 2 years. I hoped this to be true, but I already wasn't off to a good start, having caved so easily to something that would be sure to hurt me for weeks to come.

When I turned away from the intriguing night sky, very few stars dotting the great black void, I noticed Spot staring at me with keen interest. His eyes reflected a worry and confusion that usually were not present, and he had yet to speak a word to me. He simply inquired to me gently with his eyes, but I could not find the strength to respond to his questioning stare. What would I say to him? What could I say?

Possibilities floated through my mind as we slowly walked along the dark street, some almost seeming reasonable, but when I felt compelled to speak, I stopped myself. What was the use in verbalizing any of these thoughts? There was no point in continuing in this manner anymore. As I was constantly reminding myself, his heart belonged to someone else, and as much as I wished it wasn't so, that remained the unfortunate truth.

"Kate, you're startin' ta worry me, doll. What's going on with you?"

I looked away from his gaze, sighing. I wanted to tell him everything, but how could I ignore the reality of the situation? If I did answer his inquiries with candor, what would be different?

Unfortunately, the answer to that question was nothing. His mind would not be changed, and, if anything, my hurt would worsen. He had been the person I shared everything with, but this was where the line had to be drawn. Wouldn't that ensure my peace of mind as well as his?

"Don't you want to know what Julia said when I gave her your note?" I whispered, choosing not to respond to his question.

He stopped walking, putting his hand gently on my arm. I stopped as well, turning towards him and lifting my eyes to meet his. He looked tense and I felt his hand tighten its grip on my arm.

"If there ain't anything else you want to tell me," he said, his hand becoming even firmer on my arm. "Then, yeah, I wanna know."

I looked down at his hand on my arm, then back up at him. His stare seemed to take on a harshness, almost as if he was giving me a final chance to convey my true feelings. I contemplated my next move for a moment, looking into his eyes questioningly. The severity of his gaze intensified the longer I stared.

And strangely, an annoyance began to fill me, slowly replacing my melancholy. Perhaps it was all the musing I had been doing as of late about the past two years, or maybe, I had finally exceeded my limit on the many weeks of pain I had been experiencing since his romance with Julia started. Whatever the cause, I felt an intense surge of energy flood through me, fueling an anger I never knew I was capable of feeling. All of the notes I had given Julia from Spot and all of the hours I had listened to him drone on about her now seemed enraging. Even his current grip on my arm seemed to warrant the fury that filled me.

I realized in that moment that I really couldn't continue in this manner anymore, but staying silent would have no effect on that. If I truly wanted a legitimate change, I needed to force the matter. The thought of doing that made my stomach churn in uneasiness, but then more memories of the past two years engulfed me, the hurt of my consistent immobility reigniting my anger.

I abruptly yanked my arm away from his grip, utilizing the excess energy that now filled me. His eyes turned from deliberation, to shock.

"Kate, what—" he started, but I quickly interrupted.

"No, Conlon. I can't— I can't do this anymore."

My voice was quiet and shaky at first, but I finished my sentiment firmly. The sudden influx of zeal within my body made me feel fidgety, and I began backing away from him, shaking my head.

He looked at me expectantly, the astonishment still plastered on his face.

"I—I need to go. I can't do this with you anymore."

I turned around, my anxious energy propelling my journey back to my home. I heard his steps behind me and felt his hand for a second time on my arm trying to stop me. I yanked away from him again, turning and facing him even more assuredly, saying, "Spot, from now on you can handle your correspondence with Julia. I'm not doing it for you anymore."

My voice was still quiet, and I noticed how his eyes widened again as he responded, "Kate, what exactly are you tryin' ta tell me here?"

I looked away from him, pausing for a moment to contemplate if I should leave the conversation as it was or finish what I had started. I felt that I had already crossed the Rubicon of what should not be spoken between us, so why not say it all? If I couldn't turn back anyway, why carry the burden any further? Spot had always been open and upfront with me about everything thus far, so wasn't he warranted the same consideration?

I turned my gaze again towards him, but with much more certainty than before. Taking a deep breath, I resolutely stated, "I can't pretend anymore, Spot. I can't ignore how I really feel anymore. I don't want to be your messenger and I don't want to be your friend."

He looked horrified, his body seeming to buckle slightly from the blow I had just dealt. "What exactly is it that you want from me, Kate?" His question rang out with hurt and confusion.

And, finally, the moment of truth was upon us. I looked at him sadly, knowing that this was most likely one of the last times I would see him if I did indeed answer with honesty. I shook my head, letting the weariness of the past two years finally fill me completely. Everything had been so overwhelming and I had been expected to just take it in and keep going as if I was fine. I needed to release this, as well as the heavy burden of Jack, so that maybe, there would still be a chance for me to begin rebuilding my life. So that maybe instead of pretending, I could actually be fine. Now seemed to be my last chance to ensure that this came to pass.

"Spot, I want you— I want you to leave Julia and be with me instead." My words spilled out of my mouth haphazardly and seemed to reverberate after I spoke. I felt the heaviness in my chest begin to ease slightly, and I stared at him apprehensively for a moment, seeing his face pale and his eyes widen even more. When he remained silent after several more seconds, I nodded at him knowing that his lack of response was my answer.

Although it was the closure I longed for, my anger quickly morphed back into sadness and the hurt began to intensify almost unbearably. I felt tears begin to fill my eyes.

"I guess that's something you can't give me," I whispered, trying to control the sob that started to creep up my throat. He remained frozen, staring at me dumbfounded. I watched him for another moment, taking in his beautiful eyes and handsome features, our many memories flashing across my mind. A few tears escaped my eyelids and I breathed in deeply for more strength.

"Spot Conlon, thank you, for all you've done for me," I murmured. "But for my own sanity, I can't do this with you anymore."

I felt the tears slowly fall down my face as I half-heartedly smiled and turned away from him. I began to slowly make my way back to my room to cry myself to sleep for what I hoped would be the last time.

When I climbed up the fire escape and had securely closed my window, I fell onto my bed, letting the sobs overtake me.

I realized that no longer would he come into my room at night, torturing me with what would never be mine. No longer would he ignore my family, not wishing to eat dinner with us as I had constantly offered. He would not come to my father's store and spend time with me. Julia would be his main focus, as she probably should have always been, and I had secured my fate to disappear into his past.

Thus, for hours, the tears flowed freely as I quietly whimpered into my pillow. When I began to tire out from the immense upheaval of emotion, I hoped with everything in me that the new day would bring with it some relief. I prayed that I would wake up, sure of the decision I had finally made. Because in that dark moment of twilight, all I felt was an empty hopelessness that threatened to never cease.