After James // phan

confidential pt. 6

I could sense the internal struggle going on inside of James as he considered how to respond to my statement. I was egging him on, trying to evoke a confession, and I think he knew that. I waited for his reaction with bated breath.

"Yeah," he agreed simply. "Sometimes."

It wasn't the answer I was hoping for. But what exactly was I hoping for? You got me! I actually am Dan! Surely he knew that I knew. And if that was the case, then why wouldn't he just confess?

But he didn't confess. And as I had been doing nonstop since the moment I bumped into him, I began wondering why he wanted to leave Dan behind so badly. Why would anyone assume an entirely different identity and deny the existence of their old one?

But it was no longer a game, where my imagination conjured up increasingly ridiculous and exciting scenarios. With dawn came the abrupt realisation that this was someone's life. Not a puzzle to solve. Not a novel to dissect.

And standing there observing James, silhouetted against the early morning light, I began to feel a little guilty. It wasn't like I'd been interrogating him. And I had never bluntly said, "I don't believe you", but if the reason for his denial was personal then it was definitely not my place to pry.

The curiosity was strong and pointed to tempting paths, but my moral compass was stronger. I didn't want to upset him by overstepping any boundaries. And I didn't want to sacrifice a potential friendship for my own selfish gain.

"I'm sorry," I let slip accidentally.

James glanced over at me, eyes questioning. "For... what?" he asked warily.

My brain went into hyperdrive trying to come up with a reason as to why I would be apologising. One that didn't give away my unhealthy obsession with his past. "For... for keeping you up so late last night. You must be tired."

James let out a shaky breath and laughed, while I mentally patted myself on the back for my quick thinking. "It's not like you were holding us hostage," he pointed out. "We were free to leave anytime. And it wasn't that late."

"I know, I know. It's just... I got the vibe that you didn't really want to stay long, and you were just trying to be polite." Nothing I was saying was a lie, it just wasn't the real reason why an apology slipped from my lips.

Forearms resting on the banister, James resumed his staring at the city beneath us. I felt like perhaps that's what I should be looking at too. It was a nice sunrise after all, and the quiet urban landscape below glowed softly under its light.

But my eyes insisted on watching James instead.

"It's not that I didn't want to be there. I was just a little tired," he mumbled. He still looked tired, and for more reasons, I suspected, than merely lack of sleep or the stress of moving into a new apartment.

But I digressed anyway. "So it wasn't me you were eager to get away from? You don't already hate my guts?" I joked.

James chuckled. "Not yet, no. Is there a reason why I should?"

I pretended to think for a moment. "I forget to close kitchen cupboards," I said seriously. "And I leave socks on the floor. And I'm a cereal thief."

James looked up at me, a little taken aback. "A serial thief?"

"Cereal with a 'c'," I hurried to clarify after realising what I had just said. "Like... shreddies. And cornflakes. Sorry. That was unclear."

James began laughing and I couldn't help but join in. His laugh, much like his smile, was infectious. "That hardly seems like a valid reason to hate someone."

"Well it annoyed the hell out of my last boyfriend, that's for sure."

"And now?"

"Probably not as much. Seeing as he's not around anymore."

"No, you dingus. I meant are you with anyone now?" He tried for a tone of exasperation but the barely concealed smirk on his face ruined the effect. It was adorable.

"Oh. No. It's just me." James opened his mouth to comment but quickly closed it again, seemingly thinking better of it. "And you?" I asked.

I realised the stupidity of my question as soon as it left my mouth, without the help of James' raised eyebrows. "Yeah. Married actually."

"Right. Darcy. I knew that." My face flushed in embarrassment. Not just because of my momentary memory lapse, but because I realised I was low key trying to flirt with James.

James. James who was married. James who liked girls. James who was Dan, and Dan who was the boy I admired from afar in primary school.

It was all very confusing.

"Speaking of Darcy, I should probably get back. She'll be wondering where I am," James said with a weak smile.

I was going to remind him that he literally just got here, and that it was still early, and that Darcy, like any normal person, would likely be asleep at this time.

But James was already heading back through the double doors that led into the building. I didn't try to stop him. I just watched him go. And, not going to lie, I also took the liberty to check him out as he did.

I shook my head to clear the wandering thoughts. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I was a romantic. Maybe I was just intrigued by the whole secret identity thing. But I could have sworn there was something between us, a spark of sorts. Small, but difficult to miss nonetheless.

But it shouldn't have been there. Because he was married. He was taken. And that was wrong.

But that just made it more exciting.

No. It was wrong. Definitely wrong.