After James // phan

confidential pt. 8

Dan was– James was avoiding me. And with good reason I suppose. How could I have been so careless? I'd made the resolution to stay out of it - with difficulty might I add – and then I go and call him Dan. So much for putting it all behind me.

Did he hate me now? God, I hoped not. But it was clear that he was avoiding me and I didn't know how else to interpret that. I suppose I understood why. I understood that it probably wasn't anything personal against me. But it still hurt nonetheless.

I'm a "what if" kind of person. Someone who's imagination runs wild with endless possibilities of what could have been. And when I think of James, I can't help but ponder all the missed opportunities.

What if we were in the same year at school? Would we have been friends? Would we have been more than friends? Would he still have ended up reinventing his identity? It's a shame that we were separated by year levels back then. And it's a shame that we're separated now, this time by a secret.

I wasn't going to tell anyone if that's what he was worried about. But James had no reason to trust me. He didn't know me. And it looked like he didn't want to get to know me either. A pity, because I feel like his mind would be put at ease if he just learned to trust me a little.

I'm glad Darcy brought me cupcakes that night. One, because they were delicious. And two, because it gave me an excuse to go visit her apartment, and maybe run into James. Although my mind was already made up the little voice in the back of my head continued to berate me as I made my way across the hall to return the cupcake container.

You promised yourself you'd stay out of It. Stop being nosy and leave him alone.

I'm not being nosy. I'm just returning their container.

That's a lie. We both know you're only going to see James.

Using all my willpower I shut the voice down. Because it was being too logical and too reasonable, and I won't stand for such nonsense. Reason and logic get in the way of impulse and spontaneity, without which life would be a very dull journey.

I knocked on their door and held my breath as I waited for one of them to answer. Although I had to give up on the breath holding eventually, due to how long I stood there waiting. I was about to give up and assume that neither of them were home when Darcy swung the door open.

"Phil! Hi!" she beamed at me, her grin attempting to mask her flustered appearance. And failing might I add. "What can I do for you?"

"I was just returning your container," I said, handing it over. Not going to lie, I felt a twinge of disappointment that it wasn't James that answered the door. But I returned her smile anyway and digressed. "Is this a bad time?"

"What? Oh, no. Not at all." Darcy said with attempted airiness. "I was just doing some housework, that's all."

"Would you like a hand?" I asked, sincere in my offer. Not because I like doing housework. And not because I was trying to be a good neighbour. No, it's because I like snooping. And to hell with morality, I'm going to snoop.

Darcy shook her head. "No, I couldn't ask that of you. The place is a mess. There's boxes everywhere and half assembled furniture and... bubble wrap. It's a moving nightmare, honestly," she rambled.

"More reason to enlist some help," I countered. "I sure do love bubble wrap."

"Well... I'll drop some off to you when I finish cleaning, then." Darcy said, moving to close the door and disappear back inside. "Thanks for the offer though. And for returning the container."

"Wait!" I called, moving to stop the door with my hand. "Is, uh... James home by any chance?"

Darcy shook her head. "No. He's at work. You just missed him."

"Oh," I said, failing to hide the disappointment in my voice. "It's just... I haven't seen him around in awhile. I wanted to check in, say hi..." I trailed off. Ask him more questions about his childhood, badger him into being my friend, you know, the usual.

"Yeah, well, he's been working a lot recently. I barely even see him anymore. I'll tell him you stopped by though. I'll see you around, yeah?" She flashed a grin at me before closing the door, and this time I didn't try to stop her.

"Yeah. I guess so," I mumbled in response, despite knowing that she was well out of earshot. It was a disappointment to say the least. Not because James wasn't there but because I suspected he was there, but simply avoiding me. Again. And this time dragging Darcy into it.

By ignoring me after our little incident he was only further confirming to me that he was Dan. Surely he knew that. At this point he must have known that I knew, and that I knew that he knew I knew. And before my brain could confuse itself any further I decided to drop it.

For now. Because this was the most excitement I'd had in years, and I wasn't about to let it slip through my fingers. Ten year old Phil playing detective with his brother would be incredibly disappointed if I did.

I was determined to get to the bottom of the James McCloud mystery.