About Her...

Leaf

Have you ever been pricked by a rose thorn?

I have, and it hurts.

I don't love roses ever since that incident. I prefer leaves  instead.

They live to be in the shadows.

Live to give. Give until their lives get sucked out of them and they turn dry. To be replaced by another unsung hero, just like themselves. Leaves are simple, not beautiful.

Unlike roses, who lure you in with their beauty just to stab you with hurt.

Betrayal is a rose. Beautiful but destructive .

You have just witnessed one of my many menial emotional traumas. Just first world problems that haunt you at night.

The Oxford Dictionary defines trauma as ' a deeply distressing experience'.

Scientifically speaking PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is essentially an overstimulated amygdala, an underactive hippocampus and ineffective variability (The sympathetic nervous system remains highly activated leading to fatigue of the body and many of its systems, most notably the adrenal.)

So what are my traumas and the PTSD I suffer with?

Is it when I, at the age of 9, fell from my bicycle and no one came to pick me up?

Or is it when my own father tried to throw me off a balcony?

I still hear the loud 'dhak-dhak-dhak' ringing in my ears sometimes. It was a heartbeat. Whose it was, I'm not sure.

Was it mine? Or was it my brother's, who was begging for me to be let gone? It couldn't be my mother's. Her heart is too broken to make any sound now.

But I can't blame my old man. Instead of breaking, his heart just turned to steel to prevent damage.

All I can do now, is learn. Learn not to turn into steel but also not to accept being broken.

Just protect. Protect this muscle with all that I have left. Building my walls up so high that no demon can ever enter them again.  But have a backdoor just in case love decides to knock. And no, not the kind of love you're thinking about.

The love that a mother nourishes her child with, a sister gives to her brother, a friend gives to her confidantes and a leaf gives to its tree.

All I want to learn.

Is to be a leaf, not a rose