Desolation

Chapter two

The ring of my phone pulled me out of my thoughts, it was Mimi calling. She was one of the elder's wives at Church and we'd taken a liking to each other. She was one of the few friends I now had; it was getting harder to keep friends around. Even this one, I hadn't called her in a while. We mostly saw each other on Sundays now, which was different because we were inseparable when we started out as friends. But now, even when I saw her on Sundays, the conversation was polite more than anything. I was in my head a lot.
"Mims, it is so nice of you to call. How have you been?"
"I'm fine, but how are you? You know if I didn't know better, I'd have thought I have offended you."
"I know I know..." I sighed. "I'm sorry I haven't been the best friend to you."
"Well, I've missed you." I loved her even more for letting me off so easily.
"I've missed you too darling, we'll catch up soon, I promise." I heard the door to our bedroom open. James walked in with a question written all over his face, one that I read all too clearly.
"I'll text you soon; we'll set something up okay?" I wrapped up the conversation as quickly as I could.
It was the fifth night in a row that James was coming in late from work. This time, it was 9 pm, earlier than the usual 10 pm. Ever since the dining table incident, this was the new norm. I guess it didn't help that I'd let it hang between us for so long. I'd said I'd address it when he had slept it off but somehow, when it really came down to it, courage failed me. I kept feeling he wouldn't take it so well. He had been a little cordial since then but still a little curt. Forehead kisses before work, forehead kiss after work. No real conversations, no laughs, no sex.
"How was work?" I asked as I walked over to welcome him. I leaned in to kiss his cheek but he tensed up so I pulled away. Instead, I stood there, just looking at him like he was looking at me, waiting for him to get what was bothering him off his chest.
"Who was that on the phone?" he questioned, voice low.
I walked to the bed where I'd left my phone, pulled up the call log once I had it and showed it to him. It said "Mimi" as the last received call.
"That was Mimi, from Church." He just sighed and ran a hand over his face, something he did when he was frustrated.
"James, what is wrong? What's going on?" Now was a good a time as any to get answers, if I was ever going to get them.
"Nothing is wrong. I'm just really stressed and tired too. I'm going to take a bath and go to bed." He dropped his briefcase and suit jacket on the sofa to the corner of the room, clearly dismissing my concerns.
"I made you dinner." I didn't know what else to say.
"Thank you." He said as he disappeared into the bathroom. I felt like the bathroom door closing signified his shutting me out of his new world. I didn't understand it, but I knew enough to realize that he wasn't himself. Something was wrong, I felt it in my gut but I couldn't say exactly what it was. I'd been praying about it but things had not changed.
James had replaced the dining room table just like he'd said he would. I came home from work to find a similar table sitting in the space where the old one sat. He'd also bought some new kitchenware. Apparently, that was all that needed fixing to him. He carried on as if nothing had happened. I don't know if I was wrong to have allowed him to do that but the reality of the situation was that there wasn't much I could've done. He has become more withdrawn as time passed and I just let him. Well, I tried talking to him but I guess I could have tried a little harder. I took his dismissal for what it was when I would try talking to him and he wouldn't bite. I knew I wasn't doing us any favours though but I couldn't help the situation.
He got out of the shower and went straight to bed. No dinner, no prayers. I stood in the same spot I'd been standing and just stared at his sprawled out figure on the bed. Lost for any more words, I turned off the lights and joined him in our bed. I couldn't sleep though, how could I? I needed to talk to someone about what was going on, even if it was just someone to pray with me. I didn't do anything wrong, yet I felt like it was my fault somehow. David had been my friend for years and James knew this, somehow he'd never accepted it. I couldn't talk to him about what was bothering me, especially since he was part of the reason that triggered the last incidence. I refused to believe that was the only reason; there was something James wasn't telling me. That left Mimi, the only other person I could talk to. I texted her to let her know I'd be meeting her up the next day and then I tried very hard to fall asleep.
"So what are you going to do?" Mimi asked once I'd filled her in. She was particularly concerned about the anger outbursts.
"I really don't know, pray? And maybe I'll try to talk to him again. Hopefully, he'd be willing to talk this time."
"How are things at his job? Do you know?"
"Mimi, he won't talk to me. I don't know if it's something I did, he's just shut me out."
I'd met Mimi the next day after work at a nearby restaurant. She was always good at making me feel better, she made me forget all about my problems and just have a good time. So much that I got carried away and lost track of time. We'd had dinner and a few cocktails and had just caught up and laughed. It was the first time I'd had a good laugh in a long time. I'd forgotten how good it felt to have some time to just myself, away from my household problems. Don't get me wrong, I loved my husband fiercely, it was just the cloud of gloom that had cast over my marriage that was making it difficult to be around him and to breathe the same air he was breathing without having it choke me. Gone were the days of laughter and endless teasing. Now, curt responses and silent treatment were the order of the day.
I looked at my wristwatch and it was 9:34 pm. All kinds of warning bells went off in my head. I'd gone to meet with Mimi straight from work, which meant that there was no food for James to eat when he returned from work. Even though he skipped a lot of meals, I'd never gone without actually leaving him dinner at least. Some days he ate, some he just went to bed. I didn't know what kind of day it was going to be.
"Shoot, look at the time. This has been great but I really need to go." I hoped my face mirrored just how sorry I was to be leaving her, I truly was.
"Aww," she pouted for effect. "But let's do this more often, okay? I worry about you sometimes." I could tell that she did from her tone of voice.
"We will, I promise." At least I would try to; I'd also sincerely missed our girl times.
Between clearing the bills, saying our goodbyes and driving home, time had run away from me. It was already a little after ten when I pulled into our driveway. My heart was beating wildly. It wasn't exactly the best time in our marriage to disappear without telling James where I was going. I wondered what he must've been thinking. His car was parked outside so he was definitely home. I checked my phone; there had been no calls or text messages from him. Maybe he had just gotten home, I thought. Well more like hoped. The front door was still unlocked, I found him sitting in one of the single chairs with his face in his phone. Whatever he was looking at must have been important or he didn't because he didn't even acknowledge my presence.
"Hey... Good evening." I waited. A moment of silence passed before he finally looked up.
"Where are you coming from?" He asked in that low voice I was quickly associating with danger.
"I was out with Mimi, I'm sorry I didn't call or..."
"Talking about me, I suppose." He interrupted. I didn't respond. Partly because it was true, but more because I didn't know how to answer the question.
"You were." He scoffed and stood.
"James, it's not like that..." I tried to explain but he wasn't having it.
"I get it; I'm your new object of ridicule. You go out to gossip me with people, members of the Church I minister at if I might add." He didn't look all that pleased about it.
"It really wasn't like that."
"Then tell me how it was." He was now right in front of me. When I was quiet, he asked again. Just not as gently as before.
"Answer me!" he roared. The words were stuck in my throat. I couldn't say anything; it wasn't as if I even knew what to say to him. I was too scared to form coherent sentences. He raised his hand and I flinched, but he was only running it over his face. Something he did when he was frustrated.
"You thought I was going to hit you?" he honestly looked surprised. "That's the demon you're out there painting me to be, yes?" I just couldn't answer. Instead, I felt my eyes start to pool with tears. It wasn't long before the lone tear slid down my cheek.
"I come home, there's no sign of you or dinner. You're somewhere gossiping me to your friends but you're standing here with tears in your eyes, acting like I'm one who's offended you. If really want me to be this bad person you're making me out to be, I'm more than happy to oblige."
That night, James slept in the guest bedroom and I cried into my pillow. I honestly can't remember for how long. Everything had happened so fast, I didn't understand it. Years of building a solid relationship were crumbling so fast and I didn't know how I was going to slow the process. I didn't know why I'd thought he was going to hit me or why I was even suddenly so afraid of him. He had never been one to get physically violent, at least not with me. Now that I think about it, the incident with the dining table was a huge factor; I didn't know what he was capable of anymore. There was a time I'd believed without a shred of doubt that my husband would never do anything to hurt me, but I wasn't so sure anymore. I also didn't know why I couldn't talk to him like I used to. When he'd asked those questions about what I was out doing, I thought in my head that it was the best time to address the elephant in the room. But somehow, I couldn't form the words. I was struggling to talk to my lover of many years like he was a stranger. I thought about going down to the guest bedroom to talk to him but again, I couldn't. I didn't know how he was going to react and in my mind, it was important to avoid another fight. They were getting more difficult to make a full recovery from; the fights. The silence wasn't helping either. I knew that, I just didn't know what I was going to do about it.
I was awake for hours, tossing and turning. My tears had long stopped but I couldn't actually fall asleep. After what felt like an eternity, I heard the door open and then I felt the mattress dip with his weight. I laid very still, not wanting him to know that I was awake. But he didn't go sleep like I thought he would. Instead, he scooted over to my side of the bed and put his arms around me. The tears came again. It was the tenderness of the gesture, like he was rendering a silent apology. I heard it the same. It made me warm in all the places I'd long forgotten about. I closed my eyes and revelled in his touch, his scent, and the things I'd missed for so long. This time, I actually slept. It was the first time in so long that we'd fallen asleep in each other's arms. Maybe it was all in my head but in my mind, everything was right with the world again. James was back and everything was as it should be. Looking back now, maybe I jumped the gun, or maybe I was being naive seeing that nothing was settled. We hadn't actually talked things through; no logical conclusions had been reached. Now, I think he had just been as badly in need of comfort as I'd been. It had been a miserable night and he probably couldn't get any sleep too. On that bed, soaking each other in, we'd both fallen asleep. Now if only we could've kept that up.