Desolation

Chapter nine

Michael
I went to the bathroom to ease myself right after breakfast before leaving for work. Usually, I left right after I finished eating but on this day, I needed to take a leak. Eve had already gone back upstairs after serving me breakfast. She said she was feeling a little under the weather and needed to rest. She rushed out of the bathroom when I walked in and accidentally dropped something in her haste. I looked down to find that it was a pregnancy test stick. I picked it up and looked at her; puzzled. She looked like I'd caught her doing something bad; wide-eyed and taken aback. I looked down at the test; two lines. That meant she was indeed pregnant. Had she known all along?
"You knew?" Why had she lied to me about being pregnant? "I thought you were taking your birth control pills, did you skip?" She just stared at me. "Ivy is still so young, how did this happen?" I was confused.
"I didn't know yet, I just wanted to be sure after Aunty Martha kept going on about it."
So why did she look like I'd caught her doing something wrong?
"And you just found out?"
She hesitated. "Yes."
"Eve, don't lie to me."
"Why will you think I'm lying about something like this?"
"Because a second ago, you acted like I'd caught you with your hands dirty."
"I was just caught off guard, that's all. I didn't hear you come up."
"So what are you going to do?" I wanted to be happy that I was having another kid; it just was such poor timing.
"I'm having a baby, what else can be done?" She looked insulted that I'd even asked, but it still didn't seem like she was too thrilled about it herself.
"We'll be fine, don't worry about it. Number three is on the way, it's not a big deal." I pulled her into a hug and tried my hardest to reassure her that it wasn't the worst thing in the world. And for the days that followed, that was my job description; convincing Eve that it wasn't such a bad thing to be pregnant. She was so worried on some days that I wondered what other reasons she had aside the obvious one.

A neighbour organized a cocktail party/fundraiser for a children's charity and everyone in the neighbourhood was in attendance to honour him. He was a friend also so naturally, I had to attend. Eve was not feeling up to it so I attended it on my own.
It was drizzling this Friday evening and I was grateful to be inside the warm and brightly lit hall at last. It was freezing outside. My relief was short-lived when as I spotted my biggest nemesis; John. He was laughing at something the lady in a bright red dress had said. I wasn't surprised that he'd attended; he lived on the same street that I did, just farther down. I wasn't surprised that he was with a woman either; it also wasn't going to shocking if she was married. I couldn't trust the man for any reason ever since he came to my house and disrespected my marriage. He spotted me a minute later and headed my way. I don't know why the man insisted on talking to me; I couldn't stand him and I'd made that abundantly clear.
"Michael, for a second there I thought you were not going to make it."
Why was he being so cheerful? I wondered. I also wondered why he thought I wanted to talk to him. He was expecting an answer but I just stared at him.
"Look, man, I'm sorry about the other day. It was just a spur of the moment, you know?" it almost sounded to me like he was trying to make light of the situation.
"I would appreciate it if we let this slide." Why was it even important to him to be in good terms?
"Sure." I didn't agree and we definitely were not going to become friends overnight but I didn't feel like arguing with him or talking to him for longer than was necessary. I needed him to go away.
"You came by yourself?" he looked behind me like he'd magically missed seeing my plus one the whole time. Was he serious?
"I did." I wished he would take the cue from my curt answers and leave me alone but there was no such luck.
"And Eve? Is everything okay?"
"She wasn't feeling too well."
"Oh my, I hope it's nothing serious?"
"She's pregnant." I regretted the words the minute they left my mouth but something about the man before me made me want to mark my territory where my wife was concerned; I felt the need to brag about knocking her up. His entire demeanour changed once I said it. Gone was the cheerful, go figure attitude. In its place was a scowl. He made up an excuse and left as quickly as he could. At least I got him to leave me alone, I could finally go find the host and enjoy the rest of the party. It didn't skip my notice that he didn't look too happy about the news of my wife's pregnancy though. But it wasn't like it was any of his business so why did he care?
I tried to enjoy the party as much as I could before heading home. I wanted to get home at a reasonable time so it looked like I was leaving early but even though Eve knew where I was, I didn't want to give her reasons to worry about anything. I never stayed out late for longer than was necessary and when I did, it was always work-related. Nevertheless, the house was still quiet when I got home, meaning that everyone had gone to bed. Eve had become withdrawn since we discovered that she was pregnant. She now slept on the far side of the bed and flinched at any form of physical contact. I was getting increasingly worried. We still had a long way to go with the pregnancy and if she kept that up, it was going to be a tough one.
This night wasn't any different; Eve closed her book and went to sleep the minute I walked into the room. I was starting to wonder if I'd unknowingly offended her but as far as I could remember, things had been okay up until the day of the pregnancy test. I wanted to blame her hormones but as much as that made sense, the changes were too abrupt. Every day, she said things were fine but they ended up being worse than the last day. I even apologized, just in case I'd offended her and she was holding it against me. As the rain splattered against the roof that night, I wondered what I was going to do about my current situation. This was all very new to me; it had never happened before in all our years of dating and marriage. Even when we were actually in the middle of a fight, we weren't this cold towards each other and it never lasted this long. It was the one thing I loved the most about our relationship; our misunderstandings were taken as avenues for learning and we recovered quickly from them. But this, this was a whole new dimension that we had yet to explore.
It was Sunday morning and I was downstairs drinking coffee and catching up with some world news. Eve was not feeling too great as usual and was still in bed. The kids were with nanny out front so I was by myself. I heard the not so subtle pound on the front door. I went to open it and saw John on the other side of the door; I couldn't believe my eyes, it was like the man was following me.
"What can I do for you?" I never felt the need for small talk when it came to him. Truth be told, I would much rather never see him again. His very existence was proof that I was failing at the one thing I really needed to be good at; being a husband.
"I need to see Eve." he didn't miss a bit; staring at me right in the face and demanding to see my wife. I had to give it to him; the man was bold.
"Is there a problem?" I was seconds away from throwing him off my property and it depended largely on the next thing that as going to come out of his mouth.
"I'm sorry man, but I need to see her. It's important."
"If you can't tell me what it is, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"Eve!" he shouted, pushing past me. Was there something wrong with this man?
"You need to leave, now." I was almost losing my temper and tossing him out when I saw Eve hurrying down the stairs.
"What are you doing here?" She looked both surprised and pissed.
"You wouldn't answer your phone. I need to talk to you, it's important. Do you want to come outside for a bit?"
Was he serious? "You either talk here or you leave. I'd make that decision very quickly if I were you."
"I'm sorry to do this man, but I need to know if that baby she's carrying is mine. Eve, please tell me. Is it mine?" My heart stopped, I thought I was going to die. I struggled to pull in my next breath. Had I heard him correctly? Oh my God, what was he saying? I looked at Eve, the tears in her eyes were guilt-ridden, what was going on?
"Eve, what is he talking about?" It took all my strength not to choke on those words. She just kept staring at me as the tears streamed down her face. I wanted badly for her to deny it, for her to open her mouth and say that he was delusional or just plain crazy.
"Babe, please tell me it's not true. Tell me you would never do something like that." But she just stared at me. Why wasn't she saying anything? I felt like my heart was getting squeezed tight with a set of pliers; I was sure it was going to burst open any minute.
"Look I'm sorry for causing any trouble but I've been trying to have a kid for a long time. I need to know if there's a chance that this kid could be mine."
"You need to leave," Eve spoke, at last, addressing John. "You've caused enough damage already."
There was a lump in my throat the size of an apple, I couldn't get any words to come out. My eyes burned with unshed tears and I found a place to sit when I started feeling like my legs were going to give way.
"I have the right to know Eve, please." John was not leaving either, what kind of a day was this? I couldn't even get angry and throw him out, I felt immensely sad. Like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, or more aptly put, like my world had just ended. I don't remember ever feeling that kind of pain before, my vision blurred and one lone tear slid down my cheek. I watched through my tear rimmed blurry eyes as Eve struggled and finally succeeded in throwing John out the front door. She turned back to face me when she was done and was probably going to apologize but I held up a hand to stop her, I didn't want to hear it. There was nothing she was going to say that was going to make me feel better. She paused for a few seconds then tried again.
"Michael..." I got up, I couldn't listen to her. I had to leave, just go someplace else. Her voice felt like the scraping of nails against a chalkboard to my ears. I couldn't even look at her; much less listen to her. I went upstairs to pack a bag and she followed, begging me not to leave. I wished she would just stay quiet, her pleas made me want to leave faster; I couldn't handle it. Worse still, I felt like she was lying. I packed a bag as quickly as I could and made to leave but she knelt down and grabbed my leg. As angry as I was, I didn't want to brush her off and risk hurting her, she still could be carrying my child. Which brought the painful wait to my mind, I had to wait at least six months to find out if the child was mine or not.
"Michael, please..." she sobbed.
"So all this time, I've been walking around here feeling guilty for one thing or the other and you were out there..." I put my two hands on my had. "God! I can't even say the words. Why would you do something like this to me? I know I was not around enough but Eve, I know I tried to be a good husband. Why would you go and do something like this?" I didn't know what I supposed to do; to laugh or cry. My mind was clouded with so many emotions I had never experienced before. When had my life become such a mess? One thing wasn't clear yet. "How long?"
"Michael, please I'm sorry."
"That's not what I asked you." I was trying so hard not to yell, it just wasn't in me to scream at her.
"Michael... "
"Answer me." I wasn't as gentle this time.
"I don't remember, it started shortly after Ivy was born."
"So, not only did you lie to me. You cheated on me with another man for months, you looked me in the face and lied to me when I asked you what else you were doing with the man." I couldn't believe my luck, it took everything I had not to break down and cry like a little child. Nothing had ever hurt like that before. This one one of those moments where you felt like the whole world was conniving against you. I felt like I was never going to be happy another day in my life; like I was never going to be able to smile again. The pain was by far the most real thing I'd ever felt.
"Eve, please let me leave; let go of my leg. I need to get out of here. I can't do this right now." I meant every word I spoke, I wasn't equipped to handle a situation like this one.
"Michael, please..." She kept repeating the same words over and over.
"Don't do this, you knew exactly what you were doing. You didn't make a mistake, you had an affair for months and all the while you made me feel like I was the worst husband in the world. But this, this is on you. Now, let me go." I needed to get away from her as quickly as was possible. She finally let go and I took my bag downstairs, grabbed my keys and left. But not before I found my kids and kissed them goodbye. They were the only reason I'd ever set foot in that house ever again. They were my priority and I loved them with everything I had. Their mother's infidelity wasn't going to change that. I drove to an apartment that I owned, one of my tenants had moved and I was grateful for it. I needed time alone to take it all that had happened and strategize. What was the correct way of dealing with something like this? I wondered.
Three days later, I was still completely useless. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't find the energy to breathe normally. I probably had one shower in all that time. I knew I was pathetic and I couldn't do anything to help myself. I'd called in sick at work but my phone was still going crazy with notifications. Well, it stopped after some time, I guess the battery died. I didn't have it in me to find my charger and power it up. I had not told anyone where I was so no one had come looking for me. I knew I had to get up and be a human being, but it was definitely easier said than done. I was living on coffee and alcohol which was very bad in every book but I didn't care. I didn't even stop to think about the risks for a second. I didn't stop to think about anything, it was like my body was on autopilot.
But on the fourth day, I started to miss my children with an intensity that both worried and scared me. I needed to see them so bad that it was starting to become the biggest worry I had. I guess you could say that they were the ones who got me to stop living like a total wreck and to reclaim my life and take control. I took a bath and went to the house, there was no avoiding Eve so it was best to get on with it. She was in the living room when I arrived. She got up to greet me and I could see the hope in her eyes; etched in the features of her face. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea so I shook my head; making her see that I wasn't there for her.
"I'm here to see the kids." It still hurt to be in the same room as her.
"Oh." Was all she said.
I headed upstairs to their room where they both sat on the mat on the floor of the bedroom with the nanny, playing some sort of game and enjoying it from the look of things. They went crazy when they saw me. I guess they missed me as much as I missed them. I smiled for the first time since I found out that Eve could possibly be carrying another man's child. My kids made me hope that perhaps, there could exist a time when I didn't feel like I could literally die from sadness. Maybe there was some hope to recover from this after all. I decided to hang around the house for a little bit and spend some time with them. It had been a hard few days of not seeing them or at least hearing their tiny, delightful voices; even if they didn't always make sense.
I regretted my decision though. It was great to see the kids, I didn't regret that but bad news seemed to love the house. It was the gift that just kept giving. Eve came up to inform me that John was demanding a paternity test for Ivy. I looked at the woman I had loved more than life itself and wondered where I had gone wrong. I didn't go to the house to be made to deal with more sadness, yet it seemed like I couldn't catch a break.
"You said the affair started after Ivy was born. Clearly, that's not the case, so how long ago was this?" But I changed my mind before she could answer, I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to that question. Instead, I asked her something else. "Should I be worried?"
"No."
I hoped not, I wasn't ready to give up the kid I had already come to love so much. John had sounded like he really wanted some children.
"And the one you're carrying?" When she hesitated, my heart started to thud wildly in my chest. That was never a good sign.
"Eve, answer me."
"I don't think it's yours." A tear slid down her cheek when she said that.
"Wow."
"Michael..." But she stopped, I'm sure she realized the futility of it. Plus at that point, her apologies were beginning to be redundant. I'd heard them all and they hadn't done anything for me. If anything, they irritated me. If you were going to feel so bad after you were caught then why did you keep at it? And for so long? I decided that she was only sorry to have been caught. But I could not help but wonder what the plan was. Did she plan on forcing another man's child on me or was she going to leave me for John? For the longest time, I'd known him as John from down the street, not the man that was tearing my family apart one stitch at a time.
It was raining again, so heavily that I had no choice but to wait. I used the opportunity to hang out with my kids. I didn't have anything to say to Eve so I completely ignored her and the imploring glances she kept casting my way. There was nothing left to be said. I felt like if she could do that, she had never loved me and was even capable of worse. Eve was always chasing a high. Ever since I'd known her, she was looking for the next adventure. I guess my time was up, she had started to be bored obviously and made the switch without having the decency to at least inform me first. I found out from the man she was cheating on me with, imagine that. Of all the bad things I'd gone through in my life, this was by far the worst of them all. I've tried to do capture how I was feeling, but I can't adequately put it in words. It was the worst kind of betrayal that there was and I didn't wish it on even my enemy, it was the worst a person could be made to feel.
The rain let up and I let myself out the door without bothering with goodbyes. I still had the DNA test for the unborn child to look forward to, but I wasn't holding my breath. Chances were, the child belonged to John, who was married for years but had never had a child. I was guessing he'd tried to get my wife pregnant on purpose. There were a lot of single girls out there, there was the option of surrogacy, adoption, IVF, etc. Why did he feel the need to come after my wife? Wasn't that being a little selfish? Well for all I know, he didn't care. And it wasn't exactly like he'd forced Eve, she'd gone willingly. They both deserved each other. Where was John's wife in all of this? I wondered. Was she aware? If she wasn't, I envied her oblivious bliss. She didn't have to deal with the mess left for the rest of us. The man obviously had no respect for the woman if this was what he was doing behind her back.
I went back to my apartment but I didn't continue to mourn. Nobody had died, I'd just gotten my heartbroken. I was going to survive, I had children who needed me. I didn't know what was in the cards for Eve and I or if we even had options; all I knew was that I was going to wake up every day, dress up and show up. Maybe even eat some food and see friends. I was done hosting this giant pity party for myself. I was done wondering where I had gone wrong, done dwelling on my pain. I was going to live, move forward and take time to heal.
I still had a lot of things I needed to iron out with Eve. I didn't know the details of our separation, I still needed to figure out a way to spend time with the kids. Since Ruby was a little bigger, maybe I could get her on some days. I probably wouldn't be able to handle Ivy on my own yet but once she got bigger, I would. I didn't know if a divorce was next or if I even wanted one even after everything that had happened. Nothing was settled yet but I knew that time would help me figure things out. In the meantime, I needed to make my apartment more homely since I was going to be having children over. I called my cousin Gina and she helped me set the place up. I was content to leave Eve with our house if it came down to it; I didn't want things to get ugly between us. We still had a long way to go as Co-parents to two or three young children.
I would be there for my kids, always. I promised myself that they weren't ever going to need me and find that I wasn't there. I was going to be a hands-on parent, nothing had changed about that. Be it school, sports, church activities, I was going to show up for them. I was not going to be the man who turned my back on them because my marriage had failed. Wherever my life was headed, I was ready for it.