Desolation

Chapter ten

Kate
"I have to tell you something." David looked so uneasy that I was afraid of what he was going to say.
"What is it?" I was already anxious.
"Look, I'm a man of my words and when I make a commitment, I want to honour it."
"David, you're scaring me." He really was.
“I’m getting married.”
I was quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say or even how I was feeling. A few months ago, I would’ve been thrilled that he’d found someone. Now, I was completely taken aback, a little sad even. Having David by my side during the hardest times in my entire life had been one of my biggest blessings. He had been my rock, my friend and everything in between. So much so that I couldn’t imagine what life would have been like if I’d married him instead of James. So now, the news of his impending marriage was not the best news I could’ve received.
“Wow. Uhm... congratulations. I didn’t even know that you were seeing someone.”
“We got engaged a while back. I was going to tell you but all of this came up and I didn’t feel like it was the right time.
“It’s okay, I’m happy for you.” I really wanted to be, it was the right reaction to have instead of whatever it is that I was feeling.
“She had been pushing for a date and I didn’t want to put her off anymore.” I didn’t know why he was trying to explain, he didn’t owe me any explanation.
“David, it’s all good.”
“I don’t want to break her heart after promising her forever.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and did the right thing. “I wasn’t going to go out with you, stop feeling bad about this. Embrace and enjoy it.”
He didn’t look too pleased by my pronouncements but he knew it was the only way there was so he didn’t push it any further. It felt like I was losing him somehow. I didn’t need to be told that he would not be coming around as often as he used to, no woman would want her husband to be so completely fond of another woman who was not his family. I feared for what was to come but I was grateful that I’d experienced this wonderful individual that was before me. He truly deserved happiness and not my daily dose of drama and baggage.
“I’m happy for you, congratulations.” This time, I even added a smile to it for his sake, hoping it didn’t look as plastic as it felt. He didn’t smile back, he looked completely torn.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. I’ll be there, just let me know when.” It wasn’t supposed to bother me that David was getting married, so why did my chest feel so tight? He walked over and gave me a hug that lasted a little longer than usual; like he was saying goodbye.
“I have a few things to catch up on, preparations and what not so I’ll be on my way. But Kate?”
“Yes?”
“Call me if you need me. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing, I am always just one phone call away.” It was really sweet of him to offer but even he had to know that it was an offer I couldn’t take. I decided to spare us the argument, it was obvious enough.
“Thanks, I appreciate everything. It means a lot to me.”
“Don’t do that.” He touched my cheek affectionately.
“Do what?” But I knew.
“Don’t say goodbye.”
“Okay.” I didn’t think arguing was going to make things any easier for either of us so I just let it slide. We said our goodbyes and he was on his way.
   Mimi came back that day to inform me that it was time to go back home. She had left her husband for a little over a week and he was starting to get uncomfortable. I was finally going to be alone again, I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I’d gotten used to the company and had even come to depend on it. It was unfortunate that said company had to leave at the same time. I decided that it was going to be alright, what was the worst that could happen? I think I tempted fate by thinking that.
   A rustling outside my window woke me. I looked at the bedside lamp; it was 2:30 am. Was that the wind? I thought nothing of it and tried to go back to sleep. Then I heard it again. It wasn’t a windy night so I was a little concerned about all the noise coming from the backyard. I got up and flicked on the lights in my room and tried to look outside but it was all clear, at least from what the light bulb allowed me to see. I stood at the window for a minute or two to make sure there was nothing there. When I was convinced that it was just my imagination, I turned around to go back to bed but then I screamed my lungs out. There was someone in my bedroom, my heart was beating wildly against my chest and I was already breaking out in a sweat. It took me a moment to realize that it was James that was standing there, right in the middle of my bedroom. He had scared the life out of me, why was he creeping about in the dead of the night?
“What are you doing here?” I asked once I’d caught my breath.
“This is my house.” He had this look in his eyes that unnerved me; like he was daring me to say different.
“James, do you realize what time it is? You scared me. And you know you can’t be here.”
“You think you’re just going to wake up one day and throw me out of the house? You forget that this is my house too, you also forget that this is for better or for worse.”
“Now you want to honour vows? Are you being serious?”
“Do I look like I’m joking?”
“James, I can’t do this. You have to leave.”
“Really? Who’s going to put me out? All your bodyguards are gone.”
“Have you been watching me?”
“What did you think? That I was going to just walk away? This is my house and you are my wife! You can’t put me out, that’s a joke.” He sounded and looked angry.
“I didn’t put you out; you did that all by yourself. How did you get into the house anyway? You’ve started jumping fences? That’s criminal activity.” I wasn’t even sure what my argument was, he’d caught me completely off guard.
“I’m going to sleep; I don’t have time to go over your petty arguments with you.”
“You have to leave, you can’t sleep here.” I was starting to become a little scared, what was the deal with him?
“Make me.” He made for the bed and I immediately reached for my phone where it was on the nightstand. I was going to call the police if I had to. I didn’t feel safe sleeping in the same house with James, much less the same bed.
I dialled Mimi but James snatched the phone from my hand before I could get a word in. “Call the police!” I screamed before he hung up, praying that she heard me. James flung the phone across the room and struck me hard across the face.
“You’re trying to get me in trouble, yeah? You’re a vile human being. I thought we could do this the easy way; clearly, I was wrong.”
Was he serious? He was the one beating me up and I was the bad person? I immediately started to put space between us, this wasn’t good.
“There’s nowhere for you to run my dear, nowhere.” He said in a menacing tone.
I was scared. I tried to run out of the room but he grabbed me by the hair and pulled me back. Pain shot across my scalp; almost blinding me.
“James, what do you want?” I sobbed.
“You thought you could just discard me like a used rag, didn’t you? Only I can decide when this marriage is over. I was the one that married you and not the other way around.” He secured me on the floor with his knee while he grabbed the backpack he had brought with him. He pulled out ropes and duct tape. Was he coming over to make trouble? I guess that much was obvious, considering that he made his appearance in the middle of the night? I started to panic, was this going to be my end? I tried to beg him but before I could get any words in, my lips were covered by the duct tape and it wasn’t long before I felt the rope digging into the flesh of my hands and legs. Why was he tying me up? Had he lost his mind?
“Let’s see how you’re going to be able to answer the door when the police people show up.” He looked very pleased with himself like he’d just solved world peace.
Tears streamed down my cheeks endlessly. This man was my husband; he’d said he loved me many times. I’d known him for years, slept on the same bed, eaten from the same plate and done a lot of things with him. But the person before me; this was a complete stranger. What had happened to the man I married? I thought it was just a temper that he had, never in a million years would I have believed that he would do something like this. He was never a saint in all the years that I’d known him, but he was never this cruel. I was tied up and gagged and he was in a chair in the corner of the room, smoking a cigarette. When did this habit even start? His eyes were hooded and he stared at me with an intensity that both frightened and surprised me. What exactly had I done to make him so angry?  In all the years I had been married to James, I had tried to be a good wife. To the best of my knowledge, nothing had happened to make him want to inflict this amount of pain on me. So why was he being this way? I couldn’t even ask him since my lips were taped shut. All I could do was make unintelligible noises that couldn’t get very far. I really started to panic when I realized that he was right; I had no way of reaching out even if someone came to help. I looked around me, there was absolutely nothing close by. I was in the middle of the room with nothing within reach. I tried to work the ropes behind me but it was completely useless. They were bound too tight; I was sure they were going to leave bruises or even cuts if tried to get them off myself. The way I could see it, there was nothing I could do; I was completely at the mercy of my husband. Husband; the thought left a bitter taste in my mouth. I never thought I would ever regret getting married to James but I was beginning to believe that it was by far the worst decision I had ever made in my life. There were all the warning signals; I saw how he got when he was angry but I had chosen to ignore it. I didn’t ever believe that his rage would be directed at me. He was supposed to be in love with me and you just didn’t hurt the people that you loved. That was a very naïve way to think but I realized that far too late. A person who didn’t deal with their anger issues was a ticking time bomb and it wasn’t going to matter who you were to them in the long run. You were going to face the full wrath of their rage eventually. I loved James and I desperately wanted to believe that it was all going to be alright; love was supposed to conquer all. But marriage tested our limits and he finally broke. He couldn’t handle it anymore and he was taking it out on me.
   The rains were about to give way to harmattan which mean that they were heavier. The winds howled and the lights went off. Trees swayed and danced in the distance and dead branches fell off. Things kept crashing into others, windows and doors that weren’t shut banged and rattled. Rain splashed into my bedroom and James got up to shut the windows I’d left open. Now that he was distracted, I looked around frantically, trying to find a way to untie myself.
“Don’t bother, there’s nothing you could use.” He came to where I was sitting and looked me straight in the eye. “I didn’t want it to be like this but I had to be prepared. There was a chance you would try to put me out or even call the police. I wasn’t wrong. You’ve turned me into an object of scorn, I’ve been disrobed at the Church and people point at me when I walk the streets. What kind of wife does that make you? Yes; I lost my temper a few times but isn’t this supposed to be for better or for worse? You’re treating me like a monster, what happened to the love, Katherine? You were more content to throw your money in my face, never had time to be my wife. But money or not, I’m the head of this house and I’m going to make sure that you understand that. I’m the one that decides if and when things happen. You don’t have the right to make decisions on my behalf. Now, will you behave yourself?”
I was ready to agree to anything he said if it meant that I could get out of the position I was in. I nodded my agreement but the truth was that the first chance I got, I was going to run away from him. I understood that it wasn’t much of a plan; it was still dark outside. I needed to cooperate with him if I was going to make it out alive. Time had passed and nobody had come; I guess Mimi didn’t hear me when I called her earlier. James was looking at me like he was contemplating what to do with me. I didn't know what I was going to do once he let me go, to be honest. My first thoughts had been to escape but James was quicker than I had any hopes of ever being and it was pouring outside. Where was I going to go? Maybe I could make him remember what we were like before all this animosity came between us. He used to be a loving husband, maybe I could get him to see that we were too far away from our happy place. The only plan that I thought was practical was to appeal to his conscience, to the man he once was. If I could make him be that person even for just a night then I could make it to the morning and decide what I want moving forward.
   Leaving someone that you loved was never a good or easy thing. It felt you worked so hard for something and it always seems unfair to just walk away in the end with no reward for all your hard work. So as much as I thought that it was time to end my marriage with James, it wasn't the easiest thing for me to get around to. Everyone around me had written him off, even my mother that was a firm believer in marriage. But even after my time in the hospital, there still a tiny sliver of hope inside me. What if he came back and was a completely different person? Was I still going to throw him out like we hadn't so much history together? What if he did everything right, became the man that I was so sure he was when I married him, did I still throw him out? I couldn't let anyone see what I was thinking, they would think I was crazy. Word had already gotten out that I was in an abusive marriage so it was not about the Church or my husband's followers anymore. It was about me giving up everything that I thought was important. The problem was that James never let me wonder for too long, he always came up with something that was worse than the last time. After putting me in the hospital, I was now tied up and fast bruising on my bedroom floor, looking at the man who had vowed to love and honour me before God and 400 people. James looked like he had just made up his mind about something, I could see the resolve in his features. He got up and removed the duct tape from my lips. The fight had left me so I didn't even make a sound, I was exhausted and there was no point arguing with him. I decided that it didn't matter what happened; moving forward, I was done with James. The night needed to play out the way that it would but we were never going to be the same again. I realized there in my mind that it was okay to admit to yourself that you had made a mistake. There was no use in punishing yourself by making yourself live with your choices. Sometimes it was okay to let it all go and move forward.
   James stared at me for a moment before he began to talk. "We never should have gotten to this point. Look at me, tying up my own wife." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "We can start again, we can give this another try. I don't have all the answers to all my problems yet but I promise, I'll work on myself. We'll do therapy, anything you want. This is not the end of us, Kate. What do you say?"
He looked sincere saying it and for a moment, I thought about the possibility of having my husband back. Ultimately wasn't that what I wanted? But when I remembered that I was shivering in the cold with my hands tied behind my back, my resolve was strengthened. I wouldn't be the first woman to walk out of a marriage and I also needed young girls in my position to speak up, a man wasn't worth losing your life over. I counselled people in my position and prayed with them, yet when I saw that the man was not going to change, I advised them to choose life. Yet here I was, struggling with the decision to leave a man who had broken my body parts and cost me a child. It was time to walk away. But I wasn't going to tell him that, I was going to survive the night at all cost; I needed to. Then I was going to pack a small bag first thing in the morning and lodge in a hotel and then call my lawyer. It was time to take my life back. I was grateful because I could afford to move on, a lot of women in my position had their husbands as their sole providers and when it came down to it, they had nowhere to go. It gave me an idea to start a help group for people who had dealt with abuse. We all needed help and I would pay a counsellor to extend that privilege to as many as were willing to come. I also thought about partnering with sponsors to provide financial assistance as well as small business ideas and grants to women who couldn't pick themselves up after their marriages had so tragically ended. It gave me a new sense of purpose, something to live for. The more reason why I was determined to make it through the morning. It would all be alright in the morning.
"You have to promise me that we're done with this funny business. I'm your wife, James and I'm tied up on the floor barely covered, with the ropes digging into my flesh and my body shivering from the cold. This isn't a marriage and you know it as well as I do. If you really want this to work, we can't do this again." My voice broke on the last word, I had to make it believable or else he'd read right through my little charade.
"You're right." He got up and started walking towards me, possibly to loosen the ropes when a loud banging on the front door interrupted us. Whoever it was had the worst timing in the world, I thought.
"Police, open up!"
I almost rolled my eyes. If James was going to kill me, I would've been long dead by now. They were less than 15 minutes away and they were just showing up. How competent, I thought bitterly. James made to go to the front door but then stopped in his tracks and looked at me. I tried my best to keep my expression neutral, I needed him to believe that I wasn't going to try and sell him to the police. But he shook his head and reapplied the duct tape over my lips before heading down. I guess we had both lost trust in the other partner. I heard him open the door and let the policemen in.
"We got a call a short while ago about a case of domestic violence with this address. The rain prevented immediate action but we are here to investigate the complaint."
I could hear them from my bedroom, they weren't exactly being quiet about their questioning. I found it funny that they actually admitted that they were late because of the rain. It's not like they were going to walk to my apartment, the difference between life and death was in a minute.
"Officers, everything is fine. It was just a small quarrel with my wife and she overreacted, you know how women are. But we have settled now, she's even asleep." James lied through his teeth. I couldn't believe my ears.
"Women can be so dramatic." One of the officers said, voice laced with disgust. Some investigation this was, I thought. He hadn't seen me or even heard my side of the story, yet he was completely satisfied with James's story.
"We are so lucky to have policemen like you in this country. You take your jobs seriously and it's a joy to watch." James was completely sucking up to the policemen with no shame. This man was cunning. "Let me get you a bottle of something for the cold. Really appreciate you coming out. It assures me that if we are in any real danger, we can count on you to show up and handle things."
I heard the policemen laugh and agree with what James was feeding them. I heard footsteps retreating and I knew that this was my only shot, if I could draw some sort of attention to myself then it would be my only shot at getting out. All I needed was for them to give me a lift to a hotel. I would use the night to regroup and then deal with James in the morning. I looked around me, there was nothing that could undo my ropes, that much was clear but if only I could make something crash and call their attention, maybe they would actually do their jobs and search the house. The only thing that could accomplish my mission was the lamp on the nightstand. I started to make my tedious crawl to where it was. Downstairs, James had returned with what I presumed was a bottle of alcohol and the officers were thanking him, getting ready to leave. I wasn't going to make it. I tried to move faster but the binds didn't allow for much movement. I heard the front door close and I knew that there was nothing I could do. I quickly adjusted my position and tried to look as innocent as possible when I heard James coming back up to the room. The door hadn't been completely shut so it was easy to hear, I only wish I could've been able to make any kind of noise. I was once again at the mercy of James, the man I thought I knew.
"We are putting this matter to rest, aren't we?" He asked when he came back upstairs. I just nodded. It wasn't like I could talk. "No more police business?" I shook my head. He came around and removed the duct tape and it took all my strength not to cry out from the sting of it.
He untied me and ordered me into the bed. He climbed in next to me and wrapped his arms around me. I felt filthy like I was currently covered in dirt. I knew I couldn't sleep, the morning was just around the corner anyway. I would wait it out, freedom was coming fast with dawn.
It wasn't long before the first cock crowed and my heart soared with it. I tried to get up but James held me down.
"Babe, it's morning. I have to get started on breakfast and then prepare to go to work."
"Kate, we're doing this right? Me and you?"
"Of course." I didn't care how many lies I had to tell, I was going to make it out of there and never look back. He finally let me out of the bed and I was about to head downstairs when I heard the front door fly open and footsteps approaching quickly. Mimi was the only one that had my key and I could only hope that she was the one. It was my lucky day because she flung open my bedroom door and pulled me into a hug.
"I was so worried. I was only able to reach the police just now and they gave me a nonchalant feedback. I knew something was off. Are you okay?" She scanned me up and down, taking my bruised hands in hers and looking at them carefully.
"This is a family matter, what are you doing getting involved in it?" James's tone was practically spitting venom.
"Oh please." She dismissed then called out. "Officer, he's up here." She had come with a different set of policemen and she had told them the whole story with pictures apparently. I didn't even know she had pictures. They didn't come to play. She held up my hands for them to see the bruises and I can imagine how my face looked. It was almost like an out of body experience. I stood there in a trance of sorts as they cuffed my husband and took him away. I didn't know how to feel; was I sad or was I relieved?
"Listen to me, you need to get a lawyer. He won't be in the police net for long, you know how these things go." Mimi grabbed my shoulders and shook them when I just stared into space. "This is not the time to fall apart, there will be plenty of time for that later. You need to take your life back, do you hear me?" She was right. I thought about all the things I had been thinking the previous night and decided there and then that it was a fresh start for me. I took the number of the lawyer she was shoving in my hand and promised myself that it would work out for my good, it had to. I was done with the life I'd lived for 5 years. It was time for a fresh start. I was grateful to have a friend in Mimi, she had showed me true friendship and I knew that she was in my corner for good. She was the kind of person you needed in your corner even if she was alone in it.
Not everyone got a chance to start again so I was grateful for mine and I took it. I was going to clean house and start again. There was my foundation and help group to focus on, my writing and my actual job needed me too. I had plenty to do and if I ever felt like it was the right time, I might even reconsider love. All men couldn't be bad, I was sure there were still some good ones out there. One chapter was only over, I was yet to open a lot of books.