Desolation

Chapter four

I woke up alone in our bed for two days. James hadn't come home and I hadn't called either. If he needed time or space to clear his head, that was what I was going to give him. I skipped work on the first day because I didn't feel like dealing with people yet. But on the second day, I didn't feel like hiding out anymore. I had a job that needed to be attended to and this time, I stayed as long as I liked.
I got home by 9:25 pm and the first thing I noticed was that my car was back which meant that James had brought it back. I'd been using my second while he hid away and he was still nowhere in sight. Something was cooking; the aroma hit me once I opened the front door. The table was set, complete with lit candles and a shirtless James came out of the kitchen, both arms bearing plates of food. This would have been a sight for sore eyes on any other day but with where things stood, I was completely indifferent.
"Please, sit. I made us dinner." He pulled out a chair for me and waited. I didn't have it in me to start another fight do I did as I was told. He filled a plate and set it in front of me and to be honest, the food was great but I didn't have too much of an appetite. After trying for a few minutes, I pushed my plate aside. He had something he needed to say, it was obvious so I looked at him expectantly, urging him with my eyes to get on with it. If he came clean and the conversation veered to the right direction, maybe I could finally tell him the secret I'd been keeping, God knows it was about time.
"Look, Kate. I'm sorry for the way I handled things the other day. That was wrong of me. I'll admit that I was offended, I didn't like that you out my business out there like that. Whatever is going on is between us both; no one else needs to know." He paused for effect and then continued. "But that was not the best way to go about it; it's just that I've been dealing with some things..."
"What things?" That was what I really needed to know because whatever they were, they had the power to destroy my marriage.
"Kate, can you please just trust me on this? I promise I'll tell you when the time is right." So he still wasn't going to tell. Instead of launching into the "I am your wife" speech, I asked him another thing I wanted to know. "Where's your car?"
"I'm having a little trouble with it." The way he said it had me thinking he wasn't telling me everything there was, there was definitely more to the situation than he was letting on. He obviously wasn't going to tell me though, so I stood. I'd had enough.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going upstairs to change."
"But we weren't done talking."
"Yet we weren't talking." He stood, I watched him with caution as he approached. He wasn't going to catch me off guard this time. But it was my hands he was going for. He took them in his bigger ones and looked me directly in the eyes. For the first time in a long time, I really looked at him. His eyes looked tired, there were bags under them making him look like he hadn't had a decent night's rest in days. He was still the most handsome man I'd ever seen, complete with the chisel jaw and dimples, just like the characters in a romance novel. At that moment, I realized that I missed the man I married so much, it hurt. He was staring at me like he'd been thinking the same thing. We just took the time to remember each other's faces; every line, crease and contour.
"I'm truly sorry; I should never have hit you. I don't know what came over me but I promise it won't happen again. I love you, so much. I don't want anything to hurt you, anything to make your eyes this sad. And I'm sorry I was the one that did that to you." He looked so sincere; it brought tears to my eyes. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a hug, he hugged me back fiercely. I don't know how long we stood there, I just cried and he comforted. For the first time in a long time, I actually hoped that maybe it wasn't all doomed for us. And when he kissed me, I believed that with all my heart.
"We'll be alright Katie, I promise. We survive anything." He whispered against my ear and my heart fluttered.
Things seemed to have improved significantly since our little reconciliation dinner. James deemed to be doing better than before. He came home earlier and ate dinner. He also talked every now and then, more than he was doing before. We weren't completely fixed though, far from it. There were still awkward silences and whatnot, but it was a step in the right direction or at least, that was what I thought. I made it a point to leave work earlier as well; made sure I got home in good time to prepare a fresh meal. I didn't want him to think I was choosing my job over my family. I needed him to be happy, to at least smile when I served him every night. It warmed something inside of me; it also felt like I was being the wife he needed me to be. But in my bid to be the perfect wife, I was slacking at work. I had a backlog of meetings and appointments to attend to. While it felt like I was doing better at home, I was drowning at work. Leaving work early was doing me no favours. I still had a business to run and I needed to find a way to balance both out.
My phone rang, it was David calling. I'd been so caught up in the new bubble that I'd forgotten to call him or at least return any of his calls. Mimi has called too but I'd barely spoken to her in the last two weeks. By the time I retired each day, I felt so beat that all I wanted to do was sleep.
"Are you avoiding me?" He asked immediately I answered the phone.
"No, why I would be?"
"Good, because I'm outside your office, you can tell your receptionist to let me up."
I don't know why I felt like I was doing something wrong by letting him up, but I did anyway. David and I had been friends for the longest time, we had been through a lot of good times and bad times over the years and he'd always been there for me. The problem was that he and my husband never got along. I didn't want to offend James but at the same time, I didn't want David feeling like I'd cast him aside. Things were only starting to get better with James and I didn't want anything to set us back. Sure, there were still unresolved issues; for example, he just kept driving my car and never returned the keys. But I was holding out hope that it would all come together. I didn't have time to wonder for long though, David was standing outside my door. I put on my best smile and waved him inside through the glass. I gave him a brief side hug and offered him a seat while I sat perched on the edge of my desk, facing him. Within a few minutes of his arrival, I was already laughing harder than I had in months. He knew how to make me forget my problems with such ease. It was one of the reasons he was such a good friend. It was 4:30 pm now and following my new schedule, I would've been home but I didn't have the heart to ask David out of my office before he was ready. I also was having such a good time, I wasn't too eager to have it come to an end. It felt good to just laugh for a little bit and not have a care in the world. I was so caught up in the moment that I almost jumped when I saw James leaning against the door frame, piercing brown eyes glaring at us. I guess the receptionist had closed; I would've been better prepared to handle the situation.
"Babe, hi." I sounded like a bundle of nerves. "Please, come in."
"You weren't home so I decided to come to see if everything was alright. It seems you're doing just fine, I'll show myself out." I tried to go after him but his long legs showed him out faster than I could keep up with. David was still in the same spot when I returned.
"I have to leave," I said as I gathered up my things.
"You know you didn't do anything wrong, right?"
"It's complicated, David." He wouldn't understand that we were barely hanging by a thread as it was.
"No, it's not. Don't allow him to make you think you're guilty of anything when you did nothing wrong." He sounded angry. I was constantly fighting this battle it seemed.
"Look, I'll call you. Okay?"
"That's what you say. If you want me out of your hair, just let me know."
Great, I'd hurt his feelings too. "Don't be like that, we'll talk. I promise." But he was already showing himself out.
James wasn't home. I waited for hours in the living room before he finally came back, it was 10 pm. I'd nodded off but his key turning in the lock woke me up. I got up as the front door swung open, I could immediately tell that he was heavily inebriated.
"Finished throwing yourself at men, I see." His voice was full of disdain; it was going to be a long night.
"You're drunk, let's not have this conversation right now."
"Oh no, we're going to have it. I finally understand why you love that job so much." He wasn't slurring too much but he obviously was intoxicated.
"James, please. Let's talk in the morning. Nothing happened at the office and I don't think we'll achieve anything by going at it while you're not sober."
"I'm sober enough. You don't come home so I go to your office to find out what the problem was. And there you are, throwing yourself openly at another man. Not just any man, David. Have you no shame? You're married to a Pastor for crying out loud. What are people going to say when they find out all that you do with your spare time?" His words cut like a knife and anyone listening in on this conversation would think I was the worst person alive. And I literally hadn't done anything wrong.
"That's rich coming from you, don't you think? You're the Pastor who's home late and drunk."
"You're out there acting like a loose woman, I call you out and you're talking back at me."
"I was not doing anything with David. And I was only a little late; I would've still made it in time to make you your dinner if that's what this is about. I can't talk to you while you're drunk, I'm going to bed." But I only made it two steps away from him before he dragged me by the hem of my night robe. He turned me around and before I could react, he struck me hard against my right cheek. This time, he didn't stop at the one. I was too stunned to do anything and before I knew, I stumbled and fell. He was obviously going to kick me and I knew I had to act fast. I was still pregnant and it was the saddest way to lose it. I quickly turned around and the tip of his shoe connected with my back. This wasn't my husband, what had gotten into him?
"Please, James. Please stop." I sobbed but he kicked me again, twice, three times. I kept begging and crying but it fell on deaf ears.
"Please, I'm pregnant. Please stop." I cried. My voice was muffled by the tears but I know he heard me because he stopped. I grabbed the couch nearby and helped myself up. He was just standing there wide-eyed and staring at me. I backed away from his as quickly as my battered body would allow and made my way to the guest room. I locked the door as quickly as I'd entered. I was too stunned to be worried about anything for a while. At the Church, I counselled women who went through things like this in their marriages. Never did I imagine in a million years that I'd be in this position. It was like he had become another man, like he was enveloped by this blanket of blind fury that he couldn't shake off. When he finally stopped hitting me, he was panting like he'd just run a marathon.
Then I started to worry about the baby. Even though I'd turned around so that my back took the kicks, they were still hard ones. I was praying fervently that it be okay, I would deal with James another time. I thought about texting Mimi to book me a sonogram first thing in the morning when she got to work but realized I'd left my phone upstairs. There was no way I was going to get it; I couldn't risk running into James again.
I woke up to loud banging on the door. I don't even remember when I'd finally fallen asleep but apparently, it was morning already. Panic set in and I quickly lifted my night robe to look underneath. There was no blood, which was a good thing, right? I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough; I just hoped the baby was still okay. The rather obnoxious banging continued accompanied with... Was that crying I heard? I couldn't believe my ears, I laughed. I walked to the dresser to look at myself, I looked terrible. My light skin did nothing to hide my black eye and bruises. The banging still continued. He was talking now, in between sobs of course.
"Katie, please open the door, I need to see you. I'm so sorry, please just open the door."
I needed to get out of the house and fast too. There was no way I could avoid running into James, so it was best to get on with it. I opened the door to see him kneeling down. I didn't need to hear anything he was going to say, I headed straight for the master bedroom. He tried to hold onto my night robe but I moved very quickly. Upstairs, I grabbed a suitcase and started throwing things inside as fast as I could. I ignored James and his pleas, completely blocked them out. I didn't bother with a shower, just grabbed the keys he had deliberately kept for himself and I was out the front door. When I got into the car, he stopped a few steps short and just glared at me, saying nothing. I needed some space; nothing was going to stop me from leaving so I sped away. But where was I going to go? I thought to myself once I was out and realized I didn't have a definite destination. My first thoughts were to call Mimi, but I didn't want a scandal on my hands. If I'm being honest, I didn't want anyone to know. As bad as I was feeling, I still didn't want the Church to know what kind of man my husband, their Pastor had become. Anyone in their right mind would lose all respect for him. David was out of the question for obvious reasons. Those were the only people who were consistent in my life so I had no other options in the form of friends. I devised a plan and decided it was the best course of action.
I checked into a hotel, took a bath and tried to cover up my bruised face with makeup. It wasn't completely concealed but it didn't look terrible as it did when I'd left the house. I drove to a private hospital where I was sure they would be discreet as opposed to my initial plan of letting Mimi book me an appointment, it was best to avoid her and the many questions she was sure to have. Even with the confidentiality policy of the hospital, I checked in with an alias, I couldn't take any chances. Forty-five minutes of waiting and I was able to hear my baby's strong heartbeat. My eyes welled up with tears of relief as I took my first easy breath of the day. I couldn't let anything happen to it, I would protect it even if it meant I was doing it against its own father.
I slept in a hotel that night. My phone was off, I wanted to be oblivious. My work could survive without me for a few days, even if it wasn't going to be easy. The next day I checked out and made the 1hour 45 minutes' drive to my parent's house. I couldn't go back home and I couldn't put up with Mimi. So naturally, I felt like it was a good idea until I actually got there. Both of them were home, sitting out front when I arrived. My mother went straight for the kill, making me regret my decision immediately.
"You have to go back home, Katherine." she started once she'd heard the story. "What he did wasn't right but you pushed him." I couldn't believe I was hearing her right. I'd come home with bruises on my face and it was my fault that my husband beat me up. My father tried to reason with her, telling her to go easy on me but she wasn't having it. For all she knew, I could not close my big mouth and keep my opinions to myself. I don't even know why it surprised me so much; nothing should be a surprise coming from the drama queen that is my mother.
"Mama do you know I'm pregnant? Think of what could have happened to the baby." That caused her to pause for a bit. But she came back strong.
"Enhe, did he know? Have you told him?" I just shook my head and stood. "No, answer me, did you tell him before the fight?" She could tell she was winning again.
"I'll be on my way now," I informed them both.
"You can stay my daughter; no one is chasing you away from your father's house. If you need a few days to clear your head, you're welcome here." My father was always the more compassionate one between them.
"Ei ei ei" my mother objected strongly. "This is not her house; she should go back to her husband and fix her home."
"Thanks, Baba, but I think its best I leave," I said my goodbyes and got back into my car, heading the same way I came. I couldn't believe my mother, she believed so firmly in the institution of marriage and in the notion that it was the woman's responsibility to keep it together. It clearly hadn't been the wisest decision to go home; I had to deal with things on my own. I tried as much as I could to clear my head during the drive and device a more elaborate plan. Clearly, the one I thought I had didn't work.
I drove back to the hotel and checked back in, I knew I couldn't hide away forever though. I needed to do something; I just needed to figure out what it was.