For Your Love

True Friends

"No mom, it's not what you think." I try to think of an excuse, but nothing is coming to mind.

"I just thought if you had a friend, maybe you wouldn't feel so alone. Finnly, you didn't need to plan an elaborate lie and bring a stranger into the house. What did you even hope to accomplish?" She asks, breaking down the wall that I put between myself and everyone else.

"I just wanted to prove to you that I am doing better, but I thought you would only believe that if I brought home a friend. I don't want you to worry about me anymore mom." I respond, realizing the power behind my actions a little too late.

"Someone who is okay, doesn't do what you did. You remind me so much of your father sometimes, thinking you can handle it all without help." She snaps and slams her door shut.

I fall to my knees on the kitchen floor. Sometimes the darkness is still overwhelming. It feels like I'm constantly drowning, lost in the sea, unable to move. I breath in and out, remembering that I'm not there -that I'm still alive. But no therapy technique can make the empty feeling in my chest go away.

Monday comes slowly. Mom drops me off without a word, in fact she barely spoke to me the whole weekend. I wonder if I've finally pushed her away too. Maybe I did do something stupid. I played with people, but I didn't mean any harm. I honestly just wanted her to stop worrying so much about me. Luca is a whole other story. His unplanned for actions threw me off guard, but despite that, I didn't want to hurt him. I sort of even wanted him to stick around.

On my way to AP Psychology a feeling of sudden dread consumes me.

"You're coming with me." A rough voice commands and I already know who it is.

We move at a fast pace. His hand on my shoulder, holding me in place. He's smart enough to not let me near any walls, meaning I'm already lost and disoriented. Suddenly I'm pressed against a door. I can feel the handle making an impression in my back, maybe even causing a bruise. His hand swings the handle open and it sends me falling back. He slams the door shut as I weakly stand back up. My knees feel like jelly and my heart is about to come out of my chest.

"You just had to screw everything up Finny!" Todd yells, his voice echoing in the empty room.

Maybe I should cry for help. Scream at the top of my lungs for someone to come. But the thing is, no one has ever saved me before. So why would now be any different?

"The first thing I hear today is that Luca went home with you, then I hear that Luca rejected the coach's offer to join the varsity football team. Why don't you just do what you're told!" His voice is loud and makes me cover my ears.

Of course he knows that Luca went to my house. I wasn't naive enough to think he wouldn't find out. His friends ride the bus and they would do anything for him. I knew there would be consequences, but I thought they would be worth the risk. But with the outcome that occured, it was a miscalculation. I should beg for his forgiveness, apologize for disobeying him, and plead that he doesn't let any of my secrets spill.

However, his anger and stupidity are gasoline to my fire.

"Did you ever think that maybe Luca just doesn't want to play football. That not even the mighty Todd Ranger can't get everything he fucking wants!" I scream back at him, feeling rage flowing through my veins.

A fist collides with my face. A knee smashes into my stomach. I kneel over, trying to keep myself from yelling in pain. I can't give him what he wants. I can't let him win.

"He was a perfect player. He would have made us champions. He was my ticket to
Yale and you infected him with your weakness. Well now it's time to pay the consequences Finny boy." His words pierce through my defense.