The First Cut is the Deepest

Chapter 2

As I crawled back into bed I glanced at the clock on my nightstand.  11:57 AM, Teddy and Maura would be bringing me lunch soon, I was sure.

I couldn't let them see that I had cut again, it would kill them.  They were so worried and scarred last time, and I swore I'd never do it again.  Oh God!  What have I done?  I started to cry.  'I promised.' I whispered between sobs.

*Knock.  Knock.  Knock*  "Sweetie?" Teddy's voice came through the closed door.  "We made you lunch."

"I'm not hungry." I sobbed, barely loud enough to be heard.  Knowing that they'd bring it in anyways, I got under the blankets, hiding my wrist and facing away from the door.  'If they see my face, they'll know.' 

"Sweetie, you need to eat."  Teddy soothed as the bedroom door opened, and they came in.

"I said, I'm not hungry!" I snapped.  I didn't mean to, it just...happened.

"Zona.  Just because you're upset doesn't mean you get to talk to us like that.  We're trying to help you."  Maura explained, she was a lot calmer than I though she would be.

"I know that you're trying to help.  And I know that I should eat.  But I'm not hungry.  And you're 'helping' is only annoying."  I couldn't see their faces, but I'm sure their expressions were that of pure shock.  I hadn't spoken to anyone, much less them, like that since my last depression and cutting episode.

"Arizona?" Teddy asked, concern flooded her voice.  "Are you in you're dark place again?"

I could tell she was starting to cry.  'Damn it!'  "No.  I'm just upset." I lied.  "I just need the day to myself and I'll be fine tomorrow."  I told them, holding back my own tears.  I hated lying to them, but I had to.  I couldn't tell them about my depression and defiantly not about cutting again, they'd worry.  I didn't want them to worry,  I'm not worth it.

There was silence for a long time before Maura finally spoke again, "Arizona, are you sure?  Because last time..." she trailed off. I could tell she too was trying not to cry,  and it only made me feel worse.

"I'm sure Maur.  Just give me today."  I lied again.  I knew I wouldn't be fine, how could I?

"Okay.  We're going to leave your food here and we'll be in the living room.  Please remember that we're here for you.  We love you so much, and we'll do anything for you."  Maura said.  She and Teddy kissed the top of my  head, laid the food on the nightstand, next to the clock, and finally left.

After the door closed I rolled over 12:15 PM.  I sighed deeply and started to stare off at the wall as my mind wandered..

'What's the point of living if you feel dead inside?'

'What's the point of living when the woman you love, can't reciprocate that love?  When she loves someone else?'

'What's the point of living if you have to battle depression that always seems to win, and tares your life apart, making you feel completely worthless?'

I honestly didn't see the point, but I also knew that I needed to live.  I knew i had to fight through it.  I've done it before, maybe I can again.  Hopefully I could again.  I couldn't hurt Teds and Maur again.  But could I actually get through it again?

That was my last thought before i fell asleep..