The First Cut is the Deepest

Chapter 22

I've been crying for almost an hour.  The word "too" haunting every second.  Wiping my eyes, I walk into my bathroom and stare at the mirror.  My hands go to the top of the medicine cabinet.  Laying the jewelry box on the counter, I remove the lid.  "Don't do this again Arizona.  Come on, this is dumb.  Don't do it.  Don't!"  I push the voices aside as I dig the blade into my left wrist, and drag.  One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Warm blood is running down my arm and dripping on my foot.

Seven.

Eight.

"I need to stop."

Nine.

Ten.

"That's enough, Arizona!"

Eleven.

Twelve.

I drop the blade before I start a thirteenth, and grab the closest towel and drop to the floor.  "White, of course.  Steady pressure.  Breathe in.  Breathe out."  I can hear my phone ringing in my bedroom, but i can't bring myself to get up.  So i sit, shaking, and trying to hold the towel to my arm.  "God.  What have I done?"  I whisper and start to cry.  I want to get up, I want to clean up my mess, I want to crawl into bed with Calliope's protective arms wrapped around me,  I want so much but I don't want to do any of it.  I just want it to magically happen.  I'm tired of fighting,  I'm tired of losing all control as soon as I get some, I'm tired of not knowing what's happening, or what's going to happen.  I need Calliope, but can I have her?  I have to,  I can't live without her.  But if Erica makes her happy, I can't keep her from happiness.  "Oh God!  Why is my life always so fucked up!?"

--3 hours later--

*knock knock knock*

"Go away!"  I yell.  I can hear the door opening but I refuse to roll over and see who's coming in.  I feel someone sit on the other side of the bed.  My breath hitches, "She's back," and I smile slightly.  I still don't roll over but i scoot back towards her.

"Arizona, don't."  She whispers.  I freeze.  "We need to talk.."

"About?"  I whimper, knowing I'm not going to like what she's going to have to say.

"Us.  I don't think we should do this anymore."

"Do what?"  Tears are streaming down my face.

"Date.  I.. I love you.  But, I'm still in love with Erica."  her voice is barely audible, and i can't reply through my tears.  "I though I was over her, I really did, but then she showed back up..  And now I don't know.  I don't want to hurt you, so we shouldn't be together.  I just need some time Arizona.  Please just give me some time."  She's crying now, and I still can't respond.  "I.. I um.. I'm gonna grab my things and go home.  I'm sorry.  I'll text you."  I feel her leave the bed and I cry even harder.

Before she leaves I finally roll over and call out, "Please don't leave me."

"I won't."  and with those words she's gone again, leaving me crying into a pillow that smells of her.