Compendium of My Poetry

This is Me

Author's note: this poem could get slightly political

This is me
Or is it?
This is not me, but only what people see

How to look at me and say, I am this or that
But in silence I allow
In complacency I accept, but I ask
Is this me?

This is about the one who's father came
Many years ago across the border
Who's long since made a life here
Who's as American as can be

This is about the one who's mother died at the age of three
Who wept for years not moving on
Who's mother's smile and warm embrace
Are all but a long lost memory still fading

This is the story of the one who's ancestors came
From far away, a long time ago
Ancestors who settled in this country
Before it had become one

This is not a statement on history or heritage
This is the memory
The memory of things long forgotten
But still the memory lives in my blood

This is the story of the mixed boy
The one who never knew which to call his
The culture he lived from morning till five
Or the one he saw in the evenings after dad came home

This is about how he never felt at home
Not totally
Neither with his relatives on one side or the other
He knew he wasn't totally this or that

This is about how he felt separated from people
How all the bullying
All the name-calling
All the things he pretended never hurt him
Hurt him

How before he even knew what it was to be gay
It was something forced upon him
A mock title
His own crown of thorns to wear for all to see

How he begged many nights to be free
Free from the curse he felt of feeling
For who society said he should not
And condemned him

This is about how he felt forced into life too early
How he never had the chances others had
To be carefree the way they could
To be ignorant the way they could

Always seeking knowledge
Always wanting to know more
Striving to be free of the deep-seated fear
That existential dread which only came out late at night

This is the story of his journey to far-off lands
To mystical and magical places
To see the unbelievable and the ordinary
In a place where he couldn't understand or be understood

He strived and strived
And came to know and to be known
To live a life he never thought he could
To be loved in a way he never thought possible

He gained more in one year
Than in all previous years of life
And the places he visited and the people he met
They never left his heart

This is his return triumphant and facing the world
Learning to see how little people cared
But still making an effort and putting on a smile
If only to keep the peace

This is the story of his own anxieties and stress
The weight of his responsibilities that nearly crushed him
That weighed more to him
Than the world on Atlas' shoulders

This is story of how he fell in love
Of how from a thousand miles away
You could learn
To care about someone more than you ever thought you could

This is the story of their adventures together
Their homelessness on the streets of Tokyo
Their trip to the sea
Their walk among the temples of old
Their view of the world from high above
And their affection and arguing through it all

This is him meeting the boy's family for the first time
Them spending Christmas together
And New Years
And falling apart when vacation breaks

This is their time spent in Baltimore
By the sea
Meeting HIS family
And soaking in the sweet greenery

This is their birthday
On the same day
Spent in the cold, winter weather
Meeting Poe's ghost and staying in fancy hotels

This is their breakup
Their screaming and crying and shouting
The lies and cheating, the hate and the love
And finally in one swift shot, their history is ended

This is heartbreak, trying to recover
His pain, his misery
Losing the one who he valued above all else
And still holding those memories dear despite

This is his spiritual journey
His discovery and awakening
From all the lies and ignorance
From the suffocating fears and anxieties

To find a living master
One who seems to know
The ultimate, the truth
He pursues it with great striving
And he found one

Through his high school graduation
His college life and
His long relationship
Through it all, his spirituality held

This is the boy who finds himself on a tract of life
Where he doesn't even know which way is up
Nor which way to go next
Or if there even is a way to move forward

But through all this the boy still believes
There is a way
And no matter what he will pursue it
No matter how hard

This is the story of that boy from birth till now
With some parts simplified
Some parts shortened
And some parts cut out

But indeed, this is his life
Or all he's known and cared for till now
Of all things he's loved and lost and
All things he's survived and accomplished

But this isn't about his life
Because his life could be yours or mine
But we're blind to world of the other
Until it crashes down on our head

That's why I'm telling you
This is not political
This is not racial
This is not gay
This is not death
This is not suffering

This is just life
One out of many
And I'm telling you this because

This is me