Take a hint

7 Years

*Jade's POV*

Recently I've thought a lot about that song Time After Time. I never really stopped to think about the lyrics nor have I ever imagined it would come to mean so much to me.

"If you're lost, you can look and you will find me. Time after time"

I was lost. I would constantly push people away because I was afraid to let them in, then you came along and just saw through my walls and my crappy attitude. I opened my heart to you and you made it whole again instead of running away; and my life suddenly had colors again, no more darkness, just a beautiful blue sky.... But then I lost you. You allowed yourself to be taken away because you wanted to protect me, and then I hurt you again in a failed desperate attempt to get you back; After a painful eternity of hours I found you again, broken and at the verge of death. My heart was ripped apart by my thoughts and after the rage tore apart my clear judgment; guilt, fear and regret crept into my mind and I allowed myself to believe that you were better off without me, and I foolishly let you go.

The following weeks to that decision nearly drove me insane and realizing what my life would be like without you hit me like a ton of bricks.

There's something I haven't told you about that time, about one particular night when the "crazy" really took over...

It was on a Sunday night, we had classes the next day I just couldn't take being away from you anymore, so I got inside my car and drove all the way to your house. When I got there it was like one in the morning and I climbed the tree next to your house, and then got inside your room using the same window I used the night I realized I was in love with you.

You were sleeping like a beautiful angel but I could tell your dreams weren't as peaceful, so I quietly rushed over to you and caressed your cheek with the gentlest touch I could; you stopped shaking so I gave you a kiss on your forehead and started to get up to leave, but your hands were laced with mine and even though you weren't exactly aware of who was standing there, you pulled my hand closer and I couldn't help but give in to your gesture. I lied down next to you and stared at you, taking in every detail of your beautiful face, almost as if I would never see it again.

As crippling and devastating leaving your side might be, I knew you wouldn't appreciate me being there after my royal screw up, so I slowly got up and planted a gentle kiss to your forehead before leaving your room, quiet as the night so I wouldn't wake you up in the process.

That night was to me what drugs are to an addict in rehab. I craved for it, I tried and failed to suppress my yearn, my longing for a single moment with you, and then I allowed myself to drown in my desire; my brain numb, my mind intoxicated by the overwhelming feeling of sharing the same room as you. But then there was the aftermath. Like the cruelest hangover, an unforgiving headache took place and heart was crushed by guilt and regret.

So I decided to talk to you, at last, but the look on your face when I came close to you shattered what was left of my heart. Your soft expression turned into sorrow, the blissful light behind your eyes was gone and the once sweet sound of your voice was now hoarse and wobbly. I hadn't simply broken your heart, I had broken your spirit. Jake may have been the one to hit you, but I was the one to strike you down.

That night I cried in a way I never thought I would, my body trembled and convulsed sending painful sobs to my chest. A fitting punishment for my actions, one might say; but I felt like I deserved worse, you risked your life for me and I nearly killed you. I almost lost you, and it took me so long to admit that I love you that now I lost my chance. I could never tell you I love you anymore, I could never hold you in my arms or caress your cheek... No. I refused to accept that, the last time I accepted you were better off without me we both ended with broken hearts. No more.