11 Months and 17 Days

Day 0

Did you ever think about the feeling of being watched? Maybe when you just do your daily basic stuff and then suddenly there's this shiver on your back and you start freezing, can't move your body, heart races and you feel this constant fear just not dropping off?

Well, this is how I feel since a couple days. I didn't talk to anyone about it, tried to not make anyone notice something's off, because I just thought it's my body acting up or the stress of having my third semester in college and I'm scared to not keep up with the materials. It's definitely not anymore. Something's wrong and- whatever makes me feel this way, doesn't let me live normally.

„You thought about just dropping college and become a male stripper?" I sit in the cafeteria with my best friend Tetsutetsu, who's also my roommate and takes part in the same courses as me. While he pokes in his fries, I didn't touch my food at all but am just staring outside the windows, arms intertwined, leaning against the back of my chair. „Bro?"

„Huh?" He rips me out of my thoughts, stares at me with wide opened eyes, a vacant look and his fork with seven crooked fries lancing on it. „Sorry." I add sighing and lean back again, nose stretched up to the ceiling.
„I know this isn't manly bro, but you've been acting so weird lately." It's a miracle someone like Tetsutetsu remarks that. He doesn't quite notice when a person is changing or if something seems to bother someone. Maybe I just show what's bothering me a little too much. But the weird feeling in my chest, on my shoulders and back is so itchy and triggering. Every time I go outside, I feel this presence close to me, as if something just keeps walking behind me, but I can never see anything. I don't know how to explain it, I don't know what to do and I don't fucking know how to get rid of it.

My head tilts back down to look at my plate with meat and fries. I didn't even drink my water. Heavy lids and pale face, I look into Tetsutetsu's face.
„Fuck..." I whisper and close my eyes. He just looks at me concerned and lets me alone with the decision if I should be honest to him or lie. I don't know. „What do you mean?" I ask him instead, maybe he means something else.
„I hear you at night." My eyes rip open, my heart races. His voice is calmer than usual. He's a very loud person, very radiant and excited. The seriousness he shows makes me worry. Not only about him, but more about what he thinks of me. The things that have been happening in the past couple days really reach their limit. I don't know how long I can take this painful feeling, the fear and the constant shiver telling me there is someone who shouldn't be there. Am I seeing demons?!
„Hear me?" My voice is dry and anyone could hear out how afraid I sound.
„Bro, you moan and shit. First I thought you're just a loud masturbater, but then you started to even cry. I was thinking you might cry because you jerk off instead of meeting up with girls and going to parties, but you also seem really tired and kind of messy, bro." The tone change in his voice makes everything sound like a joke if he says it. And what he says is extremely stupid and it makes me kind of nervous. How can he be so- dumb?

„I'm- not jerking off." I answer crossing my arms tighter and frowning a little. My hair falls down my forehead.

„Maybe that's the problem." He simply adds and sticks his fork in his left over fries over again. I glimpse at him angrily and see this stupid long smile, the smile he puts on his face when he's proud of his own joke. Frowning, I sink deeper into the chair.
„Shut up."

„You look like a mess bro. Get yourself together." Letting his fork fall inside the plate, Tetsutetsu stands up, pushing back the chair roughly and walks away from me, throwing a quick „bye". Though there are many other students in the cafeteria, I feel as lonely as never.

And there it is. The shiver. My whole body twitches for a split second, my eyes open widely and the fear grips on me again. This feeling. It's so awful, it's so terrifying. Even if I turn around now- even if I look behind me, if I look everywhere- no one's gonna be there. I tried searching for cameras in my room, tried looking for suspicious people, but there was nothing. Never.