11 Months and 17 Days

Day 180

Planning this whole thing was more than complicated, I need to admit. I would even consider it not being worth the time and effort- and of course the victims I offered. But I have him by my side now. He's with me and I promise that I won't let go of him for the rest of my life. I will do things better than my father. All I'm trying to do... all I'm trying to prove, is that I'm not like him.

I grew up in a small town next to Tokyo, my father was working in a small office, my mom was a waitress at a side road diner, where truck drivers mostly took their breaks. We weren't rich, that's a fact. But it was my fault we weren't. I was born. And my whole life, I was blamed for bringing our family into ruins. My dad said he had a good time fucking my mom, until I came and she forced him to stay. Yes, he was planning to leave me and her behind, but then she threatened him to expose his drug addiction and alcoholism.

My dad was a huge alcoholic and crackhead. When I turned five, I saw him beat up my mother for the first time. She came home later and he thought she was cheating on him. Actually, she spent more time working, so she could afford a birthday present for me. It was the first generous thing she tried doing for me- and the last. Because my father was on the urge to beat her up every single week. It started with once a month and grew to twice up to four times a week.

He was a son of a bitch, a bastard and anything else I could insult him with. He didn't deserve me, nor my mom. But she needed his money and he needed hers. They both depended on each other. And I depended on them. So when I did things wrong- ...

He beat me up. Not just with the belt, or a stick. He had a baseball bat, even once broke my ankle and we couldn't afford a doctor. He realized himself, that he can't break my bones, but he could make me suffer in various other ways.

That's when the basement came into mind for the first time. My mother begged him not to do it, but he pushed me down there. Kept me for two whole days, without once opening any window, door or turning on a light. I have always been scared of the dark and monsters, so it was the scariest two days of my entire life. I think I have never cried so much. The day he let me out, I was quiet. I didn't want to show him how much it affected me, even though he heard me crying.

He abused me, he hit me, he taught me how to use knifes, guns and how to fight. But he said if I ever try to use this knowledge on him, he would get me first- and kill me. But there was another side in him, which was maybe the worst of them all. He wasn't kicking me, punching me or stabbing me with anything. He touched me. Said it was unfair I was born being so beautiful. The moments he came inside my room at night, or sometimes forced me to stop doing what I'm doing, just to be with him- these moments were the most terrifying for me.

Kirishima doesn't have these problems. He doesn't have an abusive father, a sick and scared mother or a lunatic self, who was raised the way he ended up being. Kirishima's life seems perfect. Watching him for such a long time and being at the advantage, that no one ever gave a fuck about me, made me realize how much I want to be like him. I wanted to know if he would be in my situation, if he would be able to get out of it? And clearly- he can't.

It seems no one could ever handle a situation like mine. So is it normal for me to be the way I am? To have this mad personality, that I just can't control and that doesn't seem to ware off. And since these years, I try to find something that can cool me off. I just need to get normal, like everyone else. These thoughts and feelings need to fade. That's why I think it's better being alone, where no one can fear me, judge me, hurt me. But Kirishima. I have the feeling that I need to be with him all the time and that I feel just slightly better.

I confessed to him. He ignored it. He ignored my confession. Maybe that's why I'm crying since days. When I let him out, we barely talk. Sometimes, I want to- but I can't. And he seems to be quiet too. At least he's up here with me in dad's old room. I just wonder, if he's fine. I haven't visited him in two days. He should be finished with the water and the food I gave him. And a fresh shower would sure make him look beautiful. He is beautiful. And I'm talking about his soul and how he acts so human around me. The fear and the sorrow, self-pity and feeling of loss. It's everything that I expected if I logically think about kidnapping someone. He wouldn't feel the same way towards me, if I treat him the way I do.