all the boys // weekman

we're taking over

"fucking hideous," a pale boy with sunken in eyes and bright blue hair muttered to himself. However, this time the pathetic insult was not directed at the awkward students that he terrorized on the daily ; hell, it couldn't possibly be, as the high school senior has not entered that institution since last July. no, this time it was directed at himself.

ryan seaman wasn't always a self hating, homeless teenager with a lost look in his dark eyes. as hard as it is to imagine with his current state, he was once confident, to the point where it was almost narcissistic of him to think that way ; his dull, dark brown eyes once were bright with potential and hopefulness.

those days were long gone, however.

as he stared into his reflection in the tarnished mirror of the public bathroom, he wished he had just kept his damn mouth shut,

if only, if only he hadn't let those three words out of his mouth, he could've tethered as a middle class teenager. he could be in his room, wasting away the early hours of the wake on his laptop, watching and stalking them.

them, of course being the men who had made ryan literally feel high.

they, performed a play in his head where maybe, just maybe his father would've understood, but as always, that was just a pathetic delusion he had conjured up in a daydream state.

he, however, couldn't blame them for his father's actions.

or perhaps he could?

he didn't know, nor understand what caused his father's hatred for himself, or rather his 'sin', as his father put it.

but it wasn't a sin, surely a sin is something that you can control, right? being gay isn't something you can just decide to be one faithful day.

ryan should know, he tried. he tried so damn hard to just be straight, to fit his father's agenda and stay put on the high pedestal that his father placed him on. he dated girls, desperately trying to find his type of girl.

but the only type of girl that he found attractiveness in were the ones that weren't girls.

he despised himself for it, he was so unbelievably envious of the flamboyant, out and proud kids at his high school. therefore, he did what any insecure kid with a status does - he tormented them, with the help of his 'friends'. they'd torment them until they saw tears, or blood. he didn't mind which.

ironic how the tables flipped, yes? ironic, how the popular homophobe turned out to be tossed aside for the same thing he tormented others for. it was almost like karma did a 360.

as he heard the unmistakable sound of shoes shuffling on the concrete floor, he knuckled at his eyes to dry them and put his hood up.

he wouldn't let anyone see him at his current state.

he told himself daily, that no one will ever betray him again, whether it'd be by hate and wrath or love.

afterall, he is ryan seaman, and he does it all the time.

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a/n = whelp, here's the first chapter! i hope ya'll like it or that it kinda makes sense. i've literally finished this at 5:37 am and now i have to get up in like 40 minutes to go to school hahakillmeplease - xodyl