10 Things I hate About Her (10 Things #1)

The Second Letter

December 25,

My mom and dad got into a fight last night. It was about me. This must be the twentieth time. Mom was crying on the sofa, I went and embraced her. The front door slammed shut. Dad left without saying goodbye. She said, "That man is so unreasonable, I don't know why I married him." She paused and looked at me. "I love you for who you are, you know that?"

Did I?

I was always close to dad and mom, but mom wasn't the head of the family. Dad was worth his weight in gold, mom wasn't. Despite being a doctor, despite being esteemed by friends, she didn't have a dick. Her body wasn't filled with testosterone. She was weak. Something for my dad to protect and control.

It's the woman thing I was writing to you about before. Sometimes, women are so undervalued, it makes them depressed and question their worth. You should see my mom now, she's fighting hard to keep me here even if I someday bring home a girlfriend. She's lost maybe 10 pounds. Dad hasn't budged, and we haven't spoken in a week. Mom's eyes are sunken and red from crying. She isn't eating much in an attempt to gain dad's pity. Maybe he'll reason if he sees how much she's suffering.

She went after him in a nightgown so thin it was practically see-through. I called after her, tried to pull her back inside. But she moved like a ghost across the snow, her hair limp on her shoulders, her feet bare. I couldn't go any farther than the edge of the driveway. I could only watch in defeat. I was afraid. Very afraid.

I told my dad about the kiss.

I told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be.

He beat me so hard the morning that followed Halloween, I can't bring myself to look at him. I can't speak to anyone, talk to them like I use to. Everything hurts. I don't think I deserve to be here on this planet. I think I'd be better off dead.

+

+

+

Dad hasn't returned and mom went straight to bed and slept for most of the day. Juliana is God knows where. And I'm starting to panic. It's getting hard to breathe; my heart won't settle. Tears keep streaming down, wetting the paper. I- I want to be okay. I want my family to be okay and I'm going to put an end to this. I can't be the one that rips my family apart.

+

+

+

I have all my clothes packed and I'm ready to go. Where? I don't know. My hands are so cold, and I can barely write this letter, I feel like my fingers are going to fall off....

It's cold where I am. Are you warm?

Do you remember how scared I was of the night?

You would always take me on those tests of courage through the woods in the dark. All we had was your one flashlight, the ugly pink one with the butterfly sticker. You would hook your arm through mine and we would walk down the dirt path together. The sounds we heard at night. Snapping branches. Animals scurrying everywhere. Little whimpers and inhuman chatter. I walked because you pulled me along, otherwise I would have turned and ran. You called me 'scaredy- cat' and I pushed you into a tree and sprinted home. Then, realizing that was immature, I went to your house and offered you a chocolate chip cookie. You turned your nose up at it. And I had to get on my knee and beg your royal pain in the ass for forgiveness.

Ah, crap my nose is running. Give me a second...

It's cold tonight.

I feel it in every part of my body, seeping through the gaps in my jacket. The bench beneath me is hard and unloving. The night is empty and alone. All I have for company is the endless stream of street lamps decorated with reefs.

My family never celebrated Christmas to begin with, but sometimes I'd sneak over to your house and you'd share your presents with me. I remember you got this skateboard once- the one I told you I wanted, but my mom said it wasn't safe. You never liked skateboards, but you asked your parents for it, then you gave it to me. I still have it, somewhere in the backyard.

I still remember the taste of your mom's carrot cake- the hot chocolate with marshmallows. Are you eating now? Have you exchanged gifts yet?

Ah, shit.

Why is it so cold tonight?

Why am I so alone?

Are my parents happy now?

I hope so. They should be happier with me gone. I'll no longer cause them pain.

It's cold tonight, Naomi.

I hope you had a lovely Christmas....

+Val+