10 Things I hate About Her (10 Things #1)

The Fifth Letter

January 4,

In-between street gigs with Matt, school, teaching Matt and Dana's sisters to play a piano I bought for them and studying, I have had some time to think about myself.

What is it about me that I hate so deeply? Why do I think that I don't deserve happiness? 

I think at the end of the day it comes down to the way I've seen others treat homosexual individuals and the church that raised me. Religion definitely plays a big role in my idea of myself.

I have been told what God wants of man and woman, and those views don't coincide with what I want from you.

I have many passions that I want to explore, but then I think of dad or of God, and it makes me feel disgusted with myself. How can I love what I've become when God doesn't approve? 

How can I love what I've become when my father doesn't approve?

It would be so much easier if I could call God and ask, 'Hey, are you alright if I live this way?' 'Will you still love me?'

But I can't do that, so this is foreign territory.

I can only trust my instinct.

I want to do the right thing, but I'm not sure what the right thing is. The pastor that was counseling my parents told me to ask for forgiveness and go home. Mom said no one but me can decide what is right for myself. As long as what I'm doing doesn't cause anyone any physical or mental harm, then its fine. She said to come home when I feel that it's safe to.

I thought that by now I would know what was right and what was wrong, but I'm just as confused as when all this started. I have made no progress. I would love to say that this is me, and that my reasoning for defining our love as pure is valid, but I don't know.

I really don't.

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Claire told me you kicked Hunter in the balls yesterday. And that the thing about you guys having sex was a rumor. I had always known it wasn't true, so I never questioned it. I'm surprised you kicked him in the balls because you have always been a 'pacifist'. 

As for me, the only news I have to pass on is that Matt and Stephanie haven't made any progress. The guy gets tongue-tied around pretty girls. He can't speak whole sentences. I'm not even sure if he'll be able to give them his name when asked.

As for my mental condition, I'm neither happy nor sad, I'm hovering somewhere in-between. I'm taking better care of myself now. Eating better. Taking care not to get sick. I know that's what you would have wanted.

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