d_s_t_e's Wattpad Reviews

Muma by irideae [Pokémon]

It's Halloween night, and all she wants to do is put on her costume and disappear among the celebrating children. Unfortunately, since the death of her mother, her father has strictly forbidden her to do anything except stay in her bedroom and practice the violin while a bodyguard stands outside her door. But what happens when a mysterious shadow sneaks inside?

Muma is a Pokémon one shot that has a really good concept to it. The main character is easily sympathetic, and to see her struggling against a controlling and overbearing father makes for exactly the kind of tension that a teenage audience will enjoy. The Halloween setting is also very well executed, particularly in setting the scene and tone for the story in the descriptive first section of the story. 

The biggest problem, however, is that it's difficult to understand what's happening in the story. Why does the main character's father forbid her from trick or treating or handing out candy? The story mentions many things in what seems to be an attempt to explain: her mother's death, her father's focus on business over charity, the fact that he doesn't really notice his daughter much, her father's belief that the world is a dangerous place. It even seems to contradict itself when attempting to explain why her father has laid down these rules. For example, it says that her father wouldn't even notice if she snuck out, suggesting that he's fallen into a sort of apathetic depression over his wife's death, but then he puts measures in place that make it seem like he always has someone watching her every move, which makes it seem like he's turned into a control freak who's anything but apathetic.

The only motive for his actions in the story that makes sense to me is if he believes the world is dangerous and wants to keep her safe. That could logically lead to him concluding that she shouldn't leave the house or interact with strangers, and it could trace back to the death of her mother if he blames her death on that "outside world". It's too bad that the story doesn't take this angle because it would make the book much stronger to have an antagonist with clear motivations.

On the opposite end, the protagonist does have clear motivations. I really liked how the story set those up in a clear and compelling way, such that the audience could really feel her desire to escape. This is definitely understandable and strong. I just wish the father's motivations were so well thought-out and executed.

Another thing that makes the story confusing at times is the lack of transitions from one part to the next. At one point, the protagonist is in her room with a bodyguard outside the door, and, after some strange occurrences, she's suddenly running down the stairs calling for her mom and her dad... Her mom who is dead. Why would she be calling for her mother? What happened to the body guard? 

And the events become even more confusing to me after that. I have far more questions than answers about the entire ending, which is a real shame for a story that started out as strongly as this one did when setting the scene and the tone and the protagonist's motivations.

On a positive note, I only found two technical errors in the entire thing: one comma error, and one missing possessive. The entire story is very readable from that sense, which is really quite impressive.

Overall, this seems like a story that's well written on the technical side of things and has a concept that could be very attractive and perhaps relatable for a teenage audience. With a teenage reader putting himself or herself into the shoes of the main character and filling in the gaps with their own personal expectations, I could also see the story evoking quite a bit of emotion for them. As an adult reader, though, I was really missing some clear motivation on the part of the father. Although the actions of parents might seem to not make sense to their teenage children, they don't actually do things to make their children's lives miserable for no reason whatsoever. I feel that taking some time to flesh out this angle of the story and add more explanations and transitions would make the story more appealing to an older audience as well as make it even stronger for a teenage one.