Random Sanders Sides Stuff

Metronome

Tw: self-deprecation, lack of self-worth, mention of panic/anxiety attacks, harsh words and yelling, let me know if I missed any

Have you ever needed something to keep you calm, something you could find at any moment of the day, that would keep you in the moment? Like a metronome, keeping you in time and never changing, never failing. Maybe someone could be your metronome, someone you care about, or who cares about you. Maybe someone or something you love. No matter who or what it ends up being, at some point in their lives everyone needs a metronome of sorts, to keep them from falling apart.
For me, that's everyday of my life. Being Anxiety means that I don't have it easy, everyone hates me, including myself, and at every moment I'm struggling not to freak out completely. I have at least one anxiety attack a day that I have to keep from Thomas, but I never know when it's gonna happen so I have to be wary every second. If I'm in front of the others when it does I need to leave, immediately, otherwise 1) I'll make a complete fool of myself in front of the people who hate me, and 2) I'll affect Thomas, making half of my panic and anxiety transfer to him. I can't do that, I never want to hurt him, and it will only make me seem like more of a villain than I already am.
Luckily, I have my metronome. Not a literal one used for music, but a person, one of the other sides actually. Not that I could ever tell them that. The sad thing is, the one person who keeps me from falling apart completely is Roman, the one who hates me almost as much as I hate myself. He would kill me if he could, but he's a prince and knows that killing people isn't allowed. If I was more of a villain he would kill me though, but I make sure that will never happen. Not unless I have a death wish. Well, at least a bigger one than I already have.
But Roman, despite almost always shouting at me, is my comfort, my metronome. He is always there, even if at times I don't want him to be. You can always find him doing something, and he never stops talking, no matter what he's doing. Just like an actual metronome. It keeps you in beat, a steady rhythm that's always there, at some point you might feel you don't need it, because that part of the music is different and follows a different beat, but you realize you need it to get back into the normal swing of the music. It's your constant, no matter where you are in the song.
That's something I need more than anyone. I need a constant, a sense of comfort, and if I find it in someone who hates me, so be it. You might think that the person should be Logan, he's Logic, he's pretty constant. But one day he acts like he can tolerate me, the next he's screaming at me for something I didn't even do. Patton would be your next thought, he's kind to me, and treats me like a child. However, just like a real parent, his feelings towards me change and evolve throughout the day and week. He can think I did something and be extremely disappointed, while later he'll not care anymore and ask me to bake cookies, only to say I don't get any because he remembered he was upset with me.
Roman isn't like that. He hates me 100% of the time, no matter if he has a reason or not. He just believes I'm a villain, so no matter what I do, whether it's good or bad, he still hates me, still finds a reason to yell at me. Sure, sometimes those words are harsher than others, and sometimes they are the cause of my anxiety attacks, but I was going to receive the same things anyways from my own head, only much much worse. I'd much rather hear the voice of someone who comforts me saying an insult than my own voice, because if it's the latter I'm much more likely to believe it and do something about it than do something to make it so the person who is always constant suddenly changes. I'm thinking more rationally after he insults me than after I insult myself, funnily enough.
I continue staring at my ceiling, not wanting to get up but knowing that Patton's going to knock on my door anyways. I stand up and snap my fingers, so that I'm dressed and ready for the day. I head over to my door, opening it as soon as the first knock sounds. Patton looks surprised, but shakes it off and smiles anyways.
"Ready for breakfast?" He asks happily. I nod, cautiously following him back down the hallway to the kitchen table. Roman glares at me and I resist the urge to smile brightly back at him, today might actually be a good day!
"You ready to ruin another day?" Or not. Great, Logan's mad at me too.
"Logan, don't say that." Patton chides, but I shrug it off, sitting down.
"Well he said nothing wrong." Roman says calmly, taking another bite of cereal. There we go, that's what I was expecting. Maybe there is some hope after all.
Patton just shakes his head, staring empathetically at me. I pay him no mind, simply eating like the rest of them. They start up their usual conversation, and I sit in silence, not caring about the furtive glances I get. Roman seems angrier than usual, and Logan is especially mad at me for some reason, so I have no idea what's in store for me today. I follow my usual routine, end up having to stop Thomas from panicking too much, and then get promptly yelled at for doing so.
"Really?! You think it's a good idea for Thomas to panic over nothing?!" Logan screams, loud enough that I flinch back. I shake my head, stumbling backwards as I try desperately to get away from him.
"Oh, you're so funny. You hurt Thomas and then act scared that something had even thought to do so, leaving us to yell and 'play the villain' in your eyes." Roman exclaimed, making my eyes widen. He thought he was playing the villain? I know I'm not going to be the hero, no matter how hard I try to be, but saying that I'm forcing them to be the villain? That's a new level of pain. And from the one who was so constant in his feelings towards me no less.
I blink at him for a moment, before turning on my heel and trying to run away. Emphasis on 'trying'. Logan reaches out and grabs the back of my shirt, pulling me back so fast it hurts. He turns me around, his eyes cold and his grip suffocating. He sets me down, grabbing my wrist tight enough that he can surely feel my quicked pulse, but he shows no sign of it. He gets right up in my face, inches away from me as he speaks.
"You can't just leave, you need retribution for your actions." He says quietly, a satisfied gleam in his eyes as I flinch again. Patton is still in the kitchen, with music so loud he can't hear any of this, so there's no chance of getting out of here.
I see the screen turn red and Thomas's vision blurs, which I hasten to fix. They still notice and their glares become more steely, Logan actually setting a hand on my neck before simply shoving me to the ground. My breathing becomes more jagged, but I hide it from them, letting my hood and hair fall over my face as the tears build up. I hold everything back from Thomas though, using every bit of energy I could use to keep myself mentally stable to instead keep any of it from affecting Thomas. A small, almost silent sob escapes me, my thoughts racing in my head as my heart hammers against my already frail ribcage. I hear the music stop and I freeze, not daring to move. I hear quick footsteps coming my way and flinch back violently.
"What did you do?!" Patton exclaims loudly, most likely at the other two. Still, I cower more, whimpering quietly.
I force myself to calm down some, I don't want them getting punished. Slowly, I stand, not looking anyone in the eyes as I shift uncomfortably. Unfortunately, I see red out of the corner of my eye, and my head snaps up. Seems like I can't give up my own panic without it going to Thomas. The others follow my gaze and scowl, Patton growing concerned. I don't look at any of them, closing my eyes and concentrating. I hear a confused mumble, but I just keep focusing, taking all of the anxiety and panic back.
I start to crumple to the ground, like I'm falling in slow motion. They look at me in complete confusion as I curl up in a ball, rocking back and forth as the pain multiplies, the anxiety tripling and the panic doubling. My breathing stops altogether before continuing, faster than ever. My vision blurs and tears roll down my face, my entire body shaking and quivering. I hear someone talking and tense up, before realizing who's speaking. Roman. His voice continues on, in a tone I can't quite distinguish, but most definitely his. I let myself calm slowly, trying the breathing technique I know best. His voice becomes my metronome again, pulling me back into the moment and keeping me in time. After a moment I'm able to discern what he's saying.
"What just happened? Did he just take Thomas's panic away? Why did he have an anxiety attack? He's acting helpless, like he can't even hear us. It's like he doesn't even know we're here anymore! Seriously guys! Why are you so silent all of a sudden, you know he deserved this. If he can't handle a few words then he needs to sort himself out, it's not our fault nor our problem." He rambled on, not noticing my nodding along. Carefully, I stand up and head back to my room, not looking at anyone. No one stops me, and I'm thankful. I can't handle any more social interaction right now.
I just never thought that Roman, of all of them, would be the one to create a whole new level of pain, one unprecedented with anyone. He's the one who's supposed to be steady in his feelings towards me, never wavering or changing, he's supposed to be my metronome. Instead, he became the overpowering beat of the drum, drowning out everyone else's parts so that we have to scramble just to play them right, to not mess up as we can't hear the steady click click click holding us in time. His voice isn't just the metronome, but someone else clicking their tongue just slightly off time with it, screwing everyone listening over.
I mean, I understand he hates me, and maybe it's slowly growing each day, I just never expected all of it to build up into one explosion of fury. I suppose I should've expected as much, I don't deserve to have a metronome anyways, but it was nice thinking I did for a while. He's right, I deserve every bit of pain I get, especially if I can't handle a few words. I'm pathetic, and I probably don't even deserve to exist, to enjoy the brief moments of peace that come before the pain. I only honestly deserve an endless cycle of pain and regret, as I try desperately to keep it from affecting Thomas, unknowing that it won't affect him anyways if I don't try.
I sigh, sitting on the floor in the middle of my room and resting my elbows on my knees, my head bowed. Maybe I shouldn't come back out. I can do everything I need from right here, I don't need the worry of when the next yelling match begins. Not that I'll ever yell back, I don't have that right, and I probably never will. Scratch that, I know I never will. Not with the type of life I live, nor I will ever live. It's impossible, and I'd be foolish to ever even so much as hope for it. So instead I remove myself from Thomas, letting myself drift off to sleep not caring about the odd position I'm in.
Until I feel someone in my room. All tiredness slips away as I jump up, bolting down the stairs in a panicked state, my eyeshadow darkening tenfold. I yell the first thing that comes to mind, that being why the hell are they here. They all scream and I flinch back, regretting my decision instantly. I shouldn't have come down here to face them, I shouldn't I shouldn't I should I shouldn't I shouldn't I shouldn't. Mindlessly I start replying as they talk, trying not to show how panicked I truly am, especially as eyeshadow starts appearing underneath their eyes.
The situation only gets worse, and I try desperately to lead the conversation in a way that will get them out of my room, while still answering their questions so as not to be rude. I glance at Roman as I speak, knowing he won't say something nice, it's what I expect, what I need, I understand that he doesn't like me and that's exactly how it should stay, no matter how much the others are changing in a heartbeat. I need that one stable thing, and if the only thing constant in my life is Roman hating me, then so be it.
But of course, I don't even get that. I try not to let my utter shock show on my face as he starts speaking, an apologetic look on his face as he says something I'll remember for the rest of my life. "You make us better" No. NO. I don't, they need to understand this, I only hurt Thomas! They know this, why are they treating me so kindly?! But regardless, I need to get them out of here, before something horrible happens. Before they become like me.
So I suck it up, pretending to be thankful for their kind words while internally panicking. I'm surprised, Thomas seems pretty unaffected while this is happening, only freaking out at the last second before we make it out. I just don't think that he understands why I'm actually here, to be a horrible side that doesn't deserve anything. Not to be some misunderstood child that needs love and protection. I shouldn't even exist, so why are they, the ones who know this more than anyone else, treating me like I'm one of them? It just doesn't make sense.
I disappear back to my room the second I can, smiling and acting happy so I can leave quicker. I try not to scream as people appear in my room again, why are they in here?! They're gonna hurt themselves! But I just shoo them away, giving them whatever they want. As the day starts to come to an end, I step off the stairs and sit on the middle of the floor again, this time in the living room and not my bedroom. I let my thoughts consume me as the room starts to get darker, concealing the presence of another person perfectly.

Roman's P.O.V.
I sink down to Anxi-Virgil's room once more. I want to understand who he is more, I was awful to him five days before he sunk out and he didn't appear out of his room since then, almost like he was asleep. Maybe ducking out makes you unconscious? But since we appeared in his room it forced him to be active again, and woke him up. He did seem pretty tired and panicked when we came to his room, and I noticed that we got eyeshadow as we grew more anxious. Which means that every time we've seen his eyeshadow darken it's because he's growing more anxious, more panicked, and we never noticed or cared.
I see him just sitting in the middle of his room, his eyeshadow so dark it looks like there's just two holes under his eyes, the darkness surrounding him. I sit down too, mirroring his position as I try to understand just who he really is. He doesn't notice, the room becoming too dark for him to see anything else, yet it's almost like there's a spotlight on him, the darkness swirls around him but doesn't touch him, like it's afraid or something. Or I'm just reading into this too much, take your pick.
I feel the eyeshadow appearing under my eyes as well, and all of my self-doubt that I had long defeated comes rushing back, but in a different way this time. It's not thoughts like What if you're never good enough? or What if they don't actually like you for who you are? No, it's much worse than that, like a swirling mass of self-loathing is upon me instead.
I'm not worth it, I'll never be like truly, everyone hates me, I only hurt others, they shouldn't like me, I can't do anything right, I should go kill myself just so they can be happy, no one will ever think of me as a true good guy, I can't even do one thing right, not even if it should be my final act. People look at me in disgust when I turn away, I just know it, and I don't blame them. I shouldn't even exist. I don't deserve to.
I gasp quietly as I see the darkness slowly draining away from Virgil, and onto me. This is what he thinks every day? How long has this been happening? And why have we never noticed? I can't believe I've let this happen, and even confirmed some of those thoughts! The one constant thing I had in my life is gone, and how pathetic was it to even have that as my 'metronome'. I pause for a moment, glancing at Virgil. What constant? Yes, the one thing that was always stable was Roman fucking hating me, how sad is that? And yet even he went to a whole new level, before changing completely. He should still hate me, I'm a horrible being. I don't know what I'd do if they got into my room, it would corrupt them just like it did to me.
What?! I was the one thing holding him in the moment, and because I hated him! Patton cares for him, doesn't he? But Patton and Logan would change in the blink of an eye, from compassion to hate. It's not exactly constant then is it? I sigh quietly, sinking back to my own room, as silently as possible. I feel sick, I can't believe that this was going on right in front of my eyes and I never noticed! And what did he mean that his room corrupted him?