A Rose by Any Other Name

Chapter 34

Writer's note- As of December 27th, we are at 5260+ reads and I'd like to thank everyone who dedicatedly reads the chapters as I post them. It means more than any of you know! Thank you very much and for being willing to see through the story with me.

Omg so. Here's the demographic update. I'm steadily losing readers and I know, it's like, my fault but yeah, these are the statistics as they stand right now.

Age
13-18 (16%)
18-25 (31%)
25-35 (9%)
Over 45 (2%)
Private (42%)

Gender
Female (38%)
Male (20%)
Private (42%)

Readers and Country:
Vietnam: 48.889%
United States: 17.778%
Canada: 6.667%
Australia, Korea: 4.44% -oof this number feels unlucky, is it like foreshadowing my dying stats, huh, who knows.
Austria, Bulgaria, Indonesia, Japan, Malaysia, South Africa each have: 2.222%

#

That feeling of guilt ate into me over the next few days. It swelled, festering until it was at the forefront of my mind. Before, going out with Mike, even grocery shopping hadn't been hard but then suddenly it was the hardest thing in the world. Whenever we went out, Mike never let me pay for anything. At first it was kind of sweet but now it was humiliating.

Other things began to bother me, too. From Mike doing laundry without asking to cooking for me. It became suffocating.

Over those few days after my birthday I kept turning over what Mike said in my head, that he'd do anything for me. It made me realize I didn't want someone to be willing to do anything for me.

That afternoon we'd been talking at the kitchen table but my mind was far away. I wasn't sure when I stopped paying attention, maybe when that knot of guilt swelled in my chest. It felt like a second heartbeat, filling me with unease and feelings of worthlessness.

"Are you okay?" Mike said in his warm, gentle voice and I snapped out of it, remembering where I was.

I breathed heavily, deciding on something. "No." I looked away from Mike and closed my eyes for a long moment, teasing my lower lip between my teeth. I felt a sob trying to surface and I pushed it back. "I feel like...This isn't working." And just having the words out, I knew they'd been building  in me for a long time.

The soft smile on Mike's face cracked, and fell. He licked his lips. "I don't understand." Every word was soft, careful, and very afraid. We were still sitting at the kitchen table, Mike hugging his coffee mug with both hands and looking smaller than usual. His knees knocked gently against mine and the gesture felt so familiar it just about broke my heart.

"Derrick. Don't-" Mike's mouth was trembling slightly, eyes looking mournful as he stared at me. Like looking at me was hurting him. I looked away.

"Don't what?" My voice hitched and I tried to stop the tremors in my voice. "I think that right now, I can't do this anymore. I can't be a good boyfriend and I don't want you to suffer because of me. You deserve better. " A hot tear prickled beneath my lashes, and I tried to blink it away.

"Where is this coming from? What are you saying?" Mike said quietly, before giving an embarrassed  laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. "Is it because we rushed things, Derrick? Or maybe that was me. You were weak and vulnerable after the accident and clearly,  I took advantage of that." I saw the emotions working across his face as he convinced himself it was his fault.

"You didn't take advantage of anything! I just don't think this is good for either of us. I want to be your equal, not your responsibility. Or your burden. I feel so guilty all the time. I keep thinking 'I don't deserve him.' And it eats away at me. I don't want this feeling to eat away at me until there's nothing left." I felt like I was doing everything wrong, like it didn't matter what I'd said, everything was already decided. I was fumbling the words, making a bigger mess of things.